Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Rev. Ron's Realities: Gods of Egypt

Holy moly!  It’s time for another addition of Rev. Ron’s Realities!

Recently I watched the critically panned Gods of Egypt (oh, you wanna see my review?  You can right here!) and there was a moment that got me thinking.  Early in the film there is a ceremony where Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s character of the god Horus is supposed to take his father’s place as ruler.  The whole thing is lavish and it seems all the people in this alternate reality is in attendance.  Of course, the whole thing is mucked up when Gerard Butler’s Set shows up and takes over the throne.  One thing that struck me—and it strikes me whenever I see scenes that have lots of background characters—was just the enormity of the attending audience and the likelihood that anyone in the very back could actually hear any damn thing that the gods were saying during this whole mess.  The same thing strikes me when a general is addressing his large army in movies and I laugh at the idea of the soldiers in the back having no clue to what the leader is saying in their big motivational speech.

So, this Reality takes us to this off-kilter Egypt during the big ceremony held by Osiris and two unlucky dudes named Rick and Tommy (don’t question their names—this is a movie where a Scotsman and a Danish man are meant to be Egyptian gods) find themselves with the worst seats in the arena.

Let’s get started!

The event of the century!

“Excuse me,” Tommy mutters as his backside accidentally nudges against a spectator seated in front of him as he works his way down the row to get to his friend Rick, who was sitting all the way at the very back of the massive arena.   His journey contains a soundtrack composed of groans, complaints and outright insults from those already sitting but he pays them no mind.  Like the heat that has caused him to sweat through his tunic, you just sorta learn to live with the rude ways people treat each other here in Egypt.

“It’s about time,” Rick exclaims once Tommy is closer. “You were going to miss it.”

“Sorry, the wine line was huge,” the friend says as he hands a goblet over.  “You won’t believe what they are charging for a single cup.”

“Did you get the dates?”

Tommy shook his head, “They were out.  All they had was dry frog legs and you remember what happened last time we ate those at the arena.”

Rick winced and unconsciously grabbed his stomach, “Doesn’t matter anyway.  It’s going to start.  Osiris is about to speak.”

In the distance, the two could barely hear the god mentioning something about leadership and rule but when Tommy saw him grab some of the offerings that were made to him at the edge of the speaking platform dread suddenly hit him and his jaw dropped.  He turned to Rick, “You gave him our offering right?”

Can you see Rick and Tommy?  They're in the very, very back in the upper right corner.

Rick’s face elongated with a horrifying realization, “Oh shiii—I forgot.”

“Rick, you bloated plague-infested rat carcass,” Tommy cursed.  “You’d forget your payment to judges in the afterlife if it wasn't for me.  You’d better get down there and give him the only gold coins we have.”

“Are you kidding me?  Look at all these people,” Rick said as he waved his hand to indicated the hundreds of thousands of people in attendance.  “I’d never get down there in time.”

“Will you two kindly shut up,” a merchant sitting in front of them said with a shushing sound.  “We’re trying to hear who Osiris is appointing to the throne.”

“Spoiler alert,” Tommy spat, “it’s Horus.”  The merchant looked flabbergasted but Tommy ignored him and turned back to Rick.  “Get those coins to him—”

The Egyptian’s words were cut short when he watched in shock as Rick just tossed the two coins in the general direction of the stage.  They made it about 15 feet—20, if we’re being generous—and were followed by two separate people exclaiming “ow” when they hit their heads.

“What on this flat earth do you think you’re doing, numbskull?”  Tommy cursed.

“What?” replied Rick.  “It’s not like he even realizes who gave him what.  Besides, Osiris doesn't know who we are.  If he asks, we'll just point at one of the other offerings and said we helped pick that one out.”

“Gods damn you, man.  I swear if we weren’t friends I’d—”  Tommy’s words were cut short when a voice rang out in the crowd.  It was only luck that they heard it.

“Who’s this?”

“It looks like Set?” Rick answered.

“Why’s he here?”

“I don’t know.”

The two friends leaned forward as if getting their ears a foot closer will somehow make up for the incredible distance.  “What are they saying?” Tommy asked.

“I dunno,” Rick answered absentmindedly.  “Sounds like he’s saying something about a ring.”

“A ring?  He’s a god, he has enough riches for a ton of rings.”

“Oh look, Set’s hugging him.”

The two watched the blurry, distant figures merge in some kind of embrace.  One of the blurry figures looked like he collapsed.  “Hmm,” Tommy said out loud, “it looks like Osiris passed out.  Must have been a good hug.  Oh look, Horus and that are trying to wake him up.  Now what the hell is Set saying?”

Rick shook his head and took a long swig of his wine.  “I don’t know.  I think he’s still talking about this ring he wants.”

“Oh wait,” Tommy said as he slapped Rick’s arm.  “Where did those guys come from?”  Tommy pointed to a large collection of soldiers who somehow made their way to the front of the crowd and looked like they had their spears pointed at them.

“I wish we were closer,” Rick said, shaking his head.  “I can’t see shit.”

“Oh, I think Set and Horus are dancing…”

“Or fighting.  I think they’re fighting,” Rick added.

“Why would they fight?” Tommy argued.  “I mean, Set is Horus’ uncle and—”

“Set just tackled Horus.  They’re fighting.”

“Oh…yeah,” Tommy agreed as he started to squint his eyes to see the scuffle.  “They just knocked over a pillar.”

This is all exciting stuff...too bad Rick and Tommy are so far away in the stands to see it.

Rick finished off his wine, “Yeah, I’m starting to hear people scream in terror now.”

That we can hear.”

“They’re all running around like you did that night you ate those spoiled berries and drank too much wine,” Rick laughed.

“Yeah,” Tommy half-hearted added as he kept his eyes on the growing crowd of panicking people.  “We should probably get out of here.”

“Let’s wait a little bit for the crowd to thin out and then we can get our gold coins back,” Rick suggested with a stupid smile plastered on his face.

“Set just pulled Horus’ eyes out.”

“What?!?” Rick exclaimed.  “You could see that?”

“That’s what it looked like from here,” Tommy clarified.  “We really should get out of here now before we get killed.”

Tommy started to move with the crowd in their row while Rick hesitated, “Yeah, I guess we should.  I just wish we could hear what they hell they were saying.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Tommy said over his shoulder.  “It was probably dumb and unconvincing god stuff.”

There ya have it!

Another addition to Rev. Ron’s Realities is over.  I hope you made it okay.

Keep checking in for more of my nonsensical and silly stories about the moments you don’t see (and I want to see) happen in the movies I watch.  Also, you gotta keep coming back for my reviews.  You can’t miss those.


1 comment:

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