Dinoshark – 1 out of 5
I’ve never made it a secret that I love bad movies. The lower the budget, the worse the acting, the more abysmal the filmmaking the more enjoyable I find the experience but when those bad movies include sharks (and believe me, there are A LOT of bad shark movies) you can guarantee I’ll watch the ever-lovin’ hell out of it. Syfy has for a long time been the network to go to for bad films and they have a rich history of giving us some real B-movie monster stinkers—hell, these films have even become events with the yearly releases of the Sharknado films. I never got to watch Dinoshark when it aired originally in 2010 because, despite my love of bad movies that include beastly sharks, I still don’t go out of my way to watch them—especially when they have *ugh* commercials with them. This one has been sitting on my queue for some time (well, since 2010) and I finally got around to watching it. Honestly, I was hoping for a little more…
|Dinoshark tadpoles or...um...dinoshark sperm?|
|"Help! A rubber dinoshark head has me!"|
After an extremely cheap opening title sequence, we are whisked away to an Arctic glacier that, thanks to global warming (great, this is just another monster movie with a liberal agenda), is cracking apart and, with that, releasing an ancient baby shark. A handful of years past and the creature has made its way to a tourist town in Mexico. Once there, it wastes no time in attacking the visitors but it makes the mistake of eating the friend of Trace McGraw (Eric Balfour). After witnessing the beast in action, Trace tries to tell people that a dinoshark is eating people but, predictably, no one believes him. With the help of a local teacher named Carol (Iva Hasperger), Trace sets out to stop the prehistoric creature and all of its terrible special effects glory.
|Of course a shot like this would be in this film.|
While I wasn’t expecting a genuinely terrific monster film (let’s be honest, those are pretty rare), I was hoping for a fun bad movie and those expectations definitely were there when I saw this feature was produced by Roger Corman—the grand-daddy of B monster movies. However, I found the film to be pretty weak and light on all the ridiculousness that makes these features so fun.
|Oh Corman, your terrible movies are usually better and more entertaining than this.|
|Dinosharks aren't bad, the one that was frozen just so|
happened to be a serial killing dinoshark.
Bad computer graphics were a guarantee going into the film and this, as well as the fact the shark and the depths of the water cannot maintain a standard size, were actually the fun parts of the film. Laughing at these moments really ended up becoming the only decent parts of the movies because the rest of it just falls flat. The writing was terrible (which was also expected) but it was never fun terrible. Aside from it pretty much following your typical shark movie structure and spending most of its time just lazily wandering through this typical formula but it really gets bad when the film, right before it ends, decides that it wants to have some emotional reaction to all that is going on (something that wasn’t happening that much up to that point). The only problem is that this is not only too little too late and doesn’t at all fit with the rest of the tone of the film but because pretty much all the characters are defined by one or two character attributes and have no real depth, this attempt at an emotional response just comes off awkward and creates for the funniest moment in the film.
|Oh no you don't, movie. You don't get to try and get all emotional at the end after|
phoning it in for an hour and twenty minutes.
|No joke, this was this guy's actual reaction when his |
girlfriend was eaten by the dinoshark.
On the acting front, it was all but guaranteed that you would see some of the most bottom-of-the-barrel stuff and maybe even a has-been or D-lister. This film gives you Eric Balfour and he’s giving the same performance he gives in literally everything I’ve seen him in—read that as a slightly douche-y, very uninteresting dude. In this one he is a hero and he just can’t pull it off. Nothing about him seems tough or heroic but he’s quickly overshadowed by the rest of the cast who is just doing an absolutely horrendous job. And the bad acting is so bad that it never really achieves that perfect balance of being bad but being stupidly fun to watch. Instead, every and all interaction in the film just feels awkward and very uncomfortable. Acting isn’t helped at all, either, by the cringe-inducing ADR that plagues the film at every turn.
|Has Balfour ever done a role without his facial hair?|
I was kinda hoping for a schlocky fun-fest with Dinoshark—a film that hits all the right spaces in B-movie monster Bingo but with really bad acting, a terrible script and the very uninspired kills and weak gore, none of the fun elements that the film needed for it to be entertaining were present and it just made for a feature that is just another addition to Syfy’s long list of forgettable low budget shark movies.
|Not even bad computer generated helicopters are safe from this thing!|