Friday, September 25, 2015

Rev. Ron's Realities: Jurassic World

Greetings friends, family, loyal readers, complete strangers, internet trolls who’ve come to unleash needless hate on me, confused people who stumbled on this while hanging out at the local library and utilizing their free internet and all other sorts of people that are too numerous to mention—in retrospect, I should have just opened this with “Hey gang!”

I would like to welcome you to a new segment on my blog.  I know I normally do movie reviews because that’s the title of the blog but this is the first of two new features that will be either bi-weekly or weekly—depending on the response.  These new segments are meant to provide a continuing outlet for my writing needs and, hopefully, bring you some amusement along the way.

This segment is called Rev. Ron’s Realities and is all about me creating completely fictitious histories to plot points and background characters in various films.  It’s as simple as that.  When I watch a movie and wonder, “Well, how did this part get to this point?” or see a supporting extra and think, “What happened to that character that brought them to where they are now?” I will write up a totally made up scenario to explain it…with a comedic twist.  What’s the second segment coming?  I will be taking questions, theories, speculations and even guest writers doing their own Realities and compile it from readers, fans and friends.  So, if that sounds interesting to you and you wanna get in on that action, email me at  But this segment isn’t about that, this is the maiden journey of Rev. Ron’s Realities and I take aim at this summer’s major-est of major blockbusters; Jurassic World.

So, let’s get started!

I had a great time watching Jurassic World.  It was what summer popcorn action films were meant to be but two things weighed on me after I watched it.  Number 1) the sorrow I felt for Blue and Number 2) I really wanted to be a fly on the wall during the boardroom meeting when the deal between Simon Masrani (played by Irrfan Khan) used his company Masrani Corp. to purchase InGen from John Hammond's estate; a move that would ultimately make Hammond's dream of Jurassic Park a reality.

According to the Jurassic Park wiki, Masrani decided to go after InGen after hearing about the work from Dr. Henry Wu.  After the disaster with Dennis Nedry and the failure to open the first park, the whole fiasco in San Diego that lead to a T-rex running rampant and engaging in lazy Godzilla sight gags and the sheer existence of the third film (also John Hammond dying, I guess), InGen was left in financial ruins so Simon Masrani swooped in and bought up the company and the intellectual properties (read that as the dinos).

                                                                                                                     Universal Pictures
"About to buy the fuck out of some dinosaurs!"

But what exactly went down at that meeting?

The Scene…

*Enter current CEO of InGen…who, for this, I’ll name…um…Mike.  Mike is alone in a big boardroom with his many lawyers and his college friend Greg (who came for moral support and the promise of hitting Chipotle after the meeting.  They wait for a good deal of time and Mike finds himself promising to not eat a third donut (they stopped at Krispy Kreme on the way and thought it would be nice to have donuts for Simon and his lawyers).  Just as Mike breaks his promise, Simon and his team of lawyers arrive*

Actual photograph of Mike at the meeting.

Mike:  Mmf-fank oo fwo coming.

Simon:  *Long pause* Excuse me?

Mike:  *Swallows donut* Thank you for coming, Simon.

Simon:  Thank you for having me, Mike.  I’m very excited to make John Hammond’s dream a reality so I would like to get down to business.  *Simon takes a seat and, one-by-one, his lawyers follow…except the last one who finds he is without a chair and decides to stand*

*At this point, Mike begins to nervously sweat and slowly dabs his forehead.*

Mike:  Mr. Masrani, you are offering up a great deal of money that will make me and the rest of the corporate executives rich with this deal to purchase InGen but I have to disagree with your desire to try to get a park up and running.

Simon:  Why?

Mike:  Well…um…we tried it a few times and a lot of people died.

Simon:  Okay…but what if this time…it doesn’t happen?

Mike:  …That’s very optimistic but you need to understand.  A LOT of people died.

Simon:  *Leans forward*  But maybe this time, that won’t happen.

Mike:  Okay…but it could…and probably might.

Simon:  But what if it doesn’t?

Mike:  It probably will.

Simon:  *Leans back in chair*  What would you say if I told you I have a contingency plan?

Mike:  I’d say, “What is this plan?”

Simon:  *Signals his lawyer still standing and the man pulls out a 8x10 photo*  What if I told you that I have the potential to acquire the service of a man who has a sense of humor, is approachably handsome and will, most likely, have his own pack of velociraptors that will run next to him while he’s being super badass and riding a motorcycle?

Mike:  I’d say that sounds awesome and should probably be the main selling point in a movie about this kind of stuff.  Man, I'm just imagining it now!

                                                                                                                     Universal Pictures

Mike:  Yeah, it looks awesome in my head!

Simon:  *Smiles widely*  Well, I found that man.

*Lawyer pushes the 8x10 photo towards Mike and he sees…*


Mike:  Oh man.  He seems like such an everyday hero that will definitely appeal to mass audiences and is probably stupidly talented.

Simon:  And he’ll have domesticated raptors.

Mike:  *Throws contract and pen at Simon*  It’s a deal!  We’ll sell you InGen for the agreed amount of four hundred dollars!  Although, in retrospect, I probably should have negotiated for a higher amount.

Simon:  *Signs contract and slides over four 100 dollar bills across the table*  Pleasure doing business with you, Mike.

*Simon quietly leaves the room with his lawyers, followed closely by Mike’s lawyers.  Mike picks up the money and dreams about how totes awesome it will be to see that guy driving around on a motorcycle while his raptors follow*

Greg:  So…are we going to Chipotle?

Mike:  Yes…yes, we are, Greg.

And there you have it!  That’s how I think it went down in this, my very first, Rev Ron’s Realities.  If you enjoyed this and found it amusing, please share and make sure to follow the blog.  Also you can follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) and keep an eye out because I’m going to be creating a Facebook group for my blog for readers to join.  Finally, if you have a Reality you’d like to share or have any questions or other movie-based theories or conspiracies to share, email me at for the upcoming Q&A segment.  Thanks!

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