Machete Kills – 1 out of 5
Just take a second to let this fact sink in: Machete Kills is a sequel to a film that was based entirely on a fake trailer made for a movie meant to simultaneously honor and lampoon the Grindhouse experience. People complain about Hollywood running out of ideas due to the amount of sequels, remakes and reboots we get but sometimes the original ideas aren’t the best either. This movie came about because of a fake trailer!!!! (I'm sorry but it bears repeating.)
|And Machete looks like he is just gearing to go for this one...|
|The Mendez character is so annoying that even seeing the|
U.S. destroyed by his missile was worth it just to get
his character killed.
|Hey! A hired killer who is always in disguise! There's no way this could fail in|
creating action in Machete Kills...(Spoiler Alert...it did fail.)
|Why the hell is Paul Mitchell in this movie?|
|Wait...people still give a shit about Charlie Sheen? I thought the Winning Era|
The same level of amateur filmmaking comes into play with Machete’s sequel. However, Rodriguez’s inability to make a Grindhouse film that is actually smart and clever in its satire aside, the biggest problem I had with this film was the fact it doesn’t have the same spirit of the first film and actually feels like another filmmaker is making a Machete parody starring the guy who actually played Machete.
|Looks like Bane and Spider-Man's offspring have become hired goons.|
|Keep plugging at it, Hudgens, you'll escape the Mouse's|
|Machete walks like that suit is giving him a wedgie.|
The only real saving grace this movie has is the performance from Mel Gibson. His past insanity aside, the guy is really giving his all in the film and comes off as a very charismatic, quirky villain that definitely has the spirit of the genre of films this movie is intended to parody and doesn’t look like a carton that Rodriguez came up with while sitting on the toilet while on a cocaine bender.
|Mel Gibson wants to cup your balls.|
|"Hey, check out my Bat'leth! I bought it at Comic-Con!"|
|It's amazing that this film has two Rodriguez-es (Rodrigui?) that are both very bad at|
their chosen profession.
|Seriously, only Robert Rodriguez could fuck up a character|
|I'm not a fan of Gaga's music but she was nominated for a Golden Razzie and I'm not entirely|
sure why because she really wasn't that bad.
Of course, it could be worse…a character could be added for no other reason to fulfill a need of having boob guns…
|Stormtroopers have better aim than the accuracy those things are capable of.|
And then later giving them a dick gun that will, no doubt, create confused feelings in the target audience of prepubescent boys who could easily replace the writers of this film and it would still be the same movie…except, they might actually be less F-bombs thrown in pointlessly because even young teenage boys who think that the more you say the word “fuck” the cooler you look have their limits.
|Wow...this fucking thing again.|
Nothing about Machete Kills (aside from Mel Gibson) worked for me. Aside from looking like someone else made the movie to make fun of Robert Rodriguez and the excess he created in the first one, the film comes off as trying too hard and failing with every attempt. It tries really hard to be funny and, in doing so, ends up looking like open mic night at the local coffee shop that is trying its hand at a comedy night after years of poetry and acoustic folk artists. It wants to be hyper-violent and be the coolest motherfuckers walking but, in doing so, just looks like it’s putting in all the effort without actually having the balls to back it up. In the end, it’s just another messy film from Robert Rodriguez that feels like it was put together on the fly and without much thought.
|Please, I beg you, God I don't worship or believe in, don't let this movie get made.|