Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Children of the Corn: Genesis

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! When, exactly, do they become Pre-teens of the Corn?  Teenagers of the Corn?  Jaded Adults of the Corn?

Children of the Corn: Genesis – 1 out of 5

At what point does a franchise just say, “Fuck it. We give up.” Well, in the case of Children of the Corn, it was their eighth, Direct-to-DVD installment; Children of the Corn: Genesis.

"Shit...we're in the bad one."

"There's a good one?"

"Come on in and use the phone, I don't mind.
Say...are you two familiar with 'swinging?'"
Allie (Kelen Coleman) and Tim (Tim Rock) are on a trip and their car decides to die in the middle of the desert (which cars are known to do in the world of horror movies). The young, and expecting, married couple take the short walk to a creepy, run-down home where they request to use the phone to call for assistance. The home is owned by a very unsettling man, who calls himself Preacher (Billy Drago), and his mail order bride and they, reluctantly, offer the phone up but it seems that Fate is not done poking the couple in the eye as they won’t be able to get help until the next day. Preacher offers them up a room with a dreadful warning about not venturing out where they are “not invited.” Since people are unable to take heed of warnings in horror movies, Allie finds out there is a child being locked up in a dilapidated shed on the property and it's not long later that they learn an evil presence is surrounding them and it wants the child Allie is carrying.

First rule when your car breaks down:  Sit in the middle of the road.

I’ve never been a big fan of the Children of the Corn series. I’ve never found the stories that interesting and I’ve usually watched them because they’re pretty good for a laugh but this one really takes the cake for a phone-in sequel in a horror franchise that has been all about phoning-in sequels ever since the series decided to hit the inner-city

Damn, even the kid looks disinterested in this film.

Nothing happens for most of the movie and it really feels like production had no idea what it was doing and, ultimately, decided to make something out of a quick, two sentence summary and no script. In fact, the whole movie feels lethargic and like it doesn’t feel motivated into putting the effort in. The story goes nowhere slowly, the characters of Tim and Allie and flat and flavorless, and the film has an extremely lackluster ending that’s incredibly anti-climatic. Hell, even Billy Drago as Preacher isn’t that spectacular and that’s shocking because Drago is a creepy looking dude and is able to create a fear-induced piss stream with something as simple as a glance in your general direction but, in the film, he looks bored and I actually felt sorry for him because he played the role like his dog died right before the director called "action" and was doing everything he can to not think about his pooch.

"The worst part is we watched Old Yeller before he died so I'm extra sad."

If anything, Children of the Corn: Genesis provides an excellent argument that it is time to retire the franchise. The series itself has never been the most exciting one or even one built on a rich mythology but the sheer laziness painted on the screen with this one shows that there really was no point for the studio to even bother producing this one or anymore down the line. I suppose I could make a harvest joke here but since the symbolism of corn was all but abandoned in this film, I won’t bother.

Okay...well...there was some corn.

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