Grown Ups 2 – 0 out of 5
The first Grown Ups film was one of the most uncomfortable movies I’ve ever sat through. The movie was never funny and the impression I got from watching Adam Sandler’s lackeys was, despite the rumor that they are all friends in real life, they absolutely hated being around each other. Every single second of the film looked like a group of people pretending to be buddies but deep down harboring a burning hatred for one another and they all looked like they couldn’t wait for the director to call “cut” so they can escape to their trailers. All their camaraderie felt painfully forced and it only made the already unfunny gags playing out in the story look that much more unfunny.
And then for some reason they decided a sequel was needed.
|Maya Rudolph is a strong person because I couldn't even muster a fake smile like|
hers for this movie.
Lenny (Adam Sandler) decides to move out of the big city and return to his home town. There he just hangs out with his friends Eric (Kevin James), Kurt (Chris Rock), and Marcus (David Spade)—Rob Schneider was unavailable to reprise his role because of “scheduling conflicts” (Ha ha, right, like Schneider has anything going on right now). There he…well…he just kinda goofs around with his friends and the film literally has no story in sight.
|"Get in, we're going to look for the story but get distracted when we see two dogs|
doing it on the side of the road."
I no longer fear death because I sat through Grown Ups 2. This film is, without a doubt, one of the worst comedies I have seen in a long time and to even call it a comedy is an insult to even the worse joke writer in all of the land. The entire film feels like bad, unfunny deleted scenes from the first film (were there actually funny scenes in the first one?) edited together to create a film so painfully unfunny that it threatened to rip apart the fabric of time and space. There needs to be a Doctor Who episode where the Doctor stops this film from damaging the cosmos.
|And while we're at it, let's make Steve Buscemi the companion on this Doctor Who episode.|
It'll add an interesting dynamic when he's forced to stop his friends for the good of
all of existence.
Where do you even begin with this steaming pile? It has no story or plot to speak of. It’s just Sandler, James, Rock and Spade wandering from poorly contrived skit to the next and most of them just build up to an callback to a joke that wasn’t funny early, a terrible punch line that is capable of destroying a person’s ability to feel happiness or cutting to Nick Swardson trying, as usually, way too hard to be funny and failing in numerous and incredibly embarrassing ways. Once again, Adam Sandler proves that he is capable of outdoing himself in the shitty film department by once again releasing his yearly curse upon the world and, again, proves that legal action must be taken in order to stop him from making movies. That Doctor Who episode should be a two (maybe three) parter as he hunts down Sandler and does the universe a favor and tosses him into a sun (very un-Doctor like but something reality needs).
|A single second of Nick Swardson makes me want to watch Jeff Dunham, Larry |
the Cable and Dane Cook in a triple bill, extra long stand up showcase.
|Stone Cold...meet your new low point.|
|Somehow, Taylor Lautner made the Twilight films even more watchable by being|
complete unbearable in this one. That robot baby is easy to watch than this film.
Here’s the problem with establishing all this pointless bullshit, a majority of it goes unresolved or forgotten about until it is awkwardly shoe-horned back into the film and every single bit of it feels unnecessary. The best example is the daughter of Kurt who, for mysterious reasons, is revealed to be a person who loves to sing. Out of nowhere in the film, she mentions it in a shitty little scene that abruptly ends with a god-awful non-sequitur punch line and then is forgotten about until, once again out of nowhere, it comes back and then nothing comes of it. That’s basically the entire film, sloppy sequences that, thanks to a crapshoot of the metaphoric dice, may or may not come back into the film and will almost certainly go nowhere.
|Tim Meadows...because he desperately needed|
|Oh hey! Colin Quinn being a sarcastic jerk. He really strayed from his comfort|
zone with this role. It'll go down in history with all his other memorable roles like...
um...like...hey, remember when he was on Remote Control?
|The vomit was supplied by the test audience of this film.|
|Statistically speaking, someone beyond Adam Sandler must find this funny.|
To call Grown Ups 2 a movie is just insulting and broadening the definitions to a stretching point that is on the verge of snapping and causing a ripple effect across the entire spectrum of film, somehow rectonning past masterpieces and turning them into childish gibberish (on that Doctor Who episode, we can have a scene where the existence of Grown Ups 2 changes the past and makes Citizen Kane a movie where a guy farts “Rosebud”). The movie actually feels like it is trying to not be funny and, at the end of it all, just serves us a reminder that, next year, Adam Sandler will be in something even worse.
I’m a proud atheist and don’t believe in anything supernatural but Sandler’s career and his movies are enough for me to believe that he, years ago, made a deal with the devil at the crossroads and now has a career despite the fact he shows us, on a yearly basis, that he doesn’t deserve one. My only question is: When is the Devil coming to collect Sandler’s soul as payment? Because he is taking his sweet fucking time!