Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Scary Movie V

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, is just unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Words fail me on this one...

Scary Movie V – 0 out of 5

Congratulations is in order because Scary Movie V (and no, I’m not going to type it Scary MoVie because that looks stupid and the filmmakers should feel stupid for coming up with that one), it was bad on such a level that I had no choice but to re-evaluate my rating system and incorporate a score of zero into the blog. I’ve watched a lot of movies in the past where I have flirted with the idea of giving a score of zero but held fast in my original (and completely arbitrary) rules I made for my blog when I started it. For some reason, I decided that scores would only exist between 1 and 5 and that even if a movie is so awful that it shouldn’t get a score, I would still give it a 1. However, Scary Movie V proved to be some a travesty of a shit comedy that I couldn’t in good conscience give it a 1 because that would be way, WAY too fucking generous.

The production even made sure to thrown in the unfunny comedian diva Katt Williams...
if only to prove how deep down the unfunny well they were willing to go.

Putting a synopsis of this film is an act of complete futility because they gave up having any semblance of a story when the Wayans brothers stopped being a part of this franchise BUT, they usually have some vague hint of a foundation to their phoned-in collection of poorly constructed parodies. This film is using Paranormal Activity and Mama as their base as we see Jody and Dan (Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex) inherit the children of Charlie Sheen (yes, he is still somehow profiting off his joke of an existence) and the kids are haunted by an evil spirit. What follows isn’t a plot or a story but a bunch of shoe-horned in parodies of popular movies with the belief that it doesn’t matter if the parody makes sense or if it even fits in with the story that some screenwriter shit out in the span of, oh, about 3 minutes.

"And then he falls down!!!  That's real comedy." - The screenwriter.

I’ve said in other reviews that the art of the parody and satire is a difficult thing. A well thought out parody can be brilliant to the point words can do no justice in describing it but…let’s face it…this is the Scary Movie franchise and they don’t care about having parodies that show even the simplest forms of intelligence. They just go for the fart jokes, bad slapstick and people that act like living cartoons if the cartoons forgot to include dignity. 90% of the film is just people flying around wildly in the air (I’m not kidding, that’s most of the jokes) because of stupid reasons like farting, drinking a soda too fast, taking a huge shit or being blasted by a fire extinguisher and the other jokes are someone getting hurt in a poorly constructed slapstick sequence that made all of The Three Stooges comes to life as mindless zombies and cry a single tear as the craft they so artistically crafted years ago is viciously raped into a shadow of its former self.

"Throw another kid in the air, the fifteenth time is the funniest!" - The Director

Yes, an Inception parody...because that one... was... scary.
Wait, wut?
 Most of the parodies make absolutely no sense. The characters will wander into a parody like they are in some really fucked up (and extra lame) episode of The Twilight Zone and will flounder around in an utterly pointless excursion that barely pokes fun at the source material that inspired it (and, truthfully, it makes more fun of itself thanks to extremely obvious lack of skills in both filmmaking and comedy) before, ultimately, arriving at a point where the best payoff you’ll get is a tired pop culture reference (like Lindsay Lohan is a slut, Charlie Sheen likes drugs and porn stars or something equally dated and barely even mentioned anymore on TMZ or Perez Hilton’s blog) or, it gives you what these movies really love, a fart and/or shit joke. Then it wanders into the next poorly thought-out and tiresome parody. For example, there’s a point where they parody Sinister (for no reason, mind you, it’s just edited in there with no set-up) and the payoff is a Honey Boo Boo joke. Once that happened, I realized the filmmakers were just laughing at me while grabbing their dicks and yelling, “We stole an hour and a half of your life with a movie that can’t legally be called a comedy. What are you going to do about it?”

The Rise of the Planet of the Apes parody fit into the film like a piece in a puzzle...
an entirely different puzzle.

Snoop-Dogg, seen here proving that once you have enough
money you no longer need self-respect or street cred.
 If the groan-inducing comedy wasn’t bad enough (and half the groans come from just how horribly predictable the jokes are), it was decided that only groan-inducing actors were required to fill the film’s cast. There are throw-away bit parts played by comedic performers that had their moment in the spotlight and are now doomed to be in this piece of crap and you have one-time media spectacles who are no longer relevant filling up the other roles. Furthermore, you have Simon Rex showing that he doesn't care about dignity as his performance is about subtle as one of Dane Cook’s punchlines and then you have Ashley Tisdale proving that she only got famous thanks to a deal with the Devil.

Just looking at this picture will give you an STD.

I have two nieces and a nephew and have experienced her usual level of god-awful that used to pollute the Disney channel but The Mouse never cared if his little cash-cows could act or not; all he needed was some bright-eyed grubs that would be willing to eat the other members of their clan in order to suck at the teat of the empire Walt built. All they need is a person who can ham it up like they are a deaf silent film star (you know, in order to sell the bad jokes) and a person they can auto-tune to a pathetically mediocre music career. However, escaping The Mouse to be in this piece of crap that proves you never could act to begin with tells me that it probably would have been a better decision to retire on a mountain of cash and cocaine Mickey paid you with.

I can only imagine she was the only one who auditioned for this movie.

I can’t imagine there is a single person that could find any form of enjoyment in Scary Movie V (the one person who did like this movie is already commenting how I'm worse than Hitler for hating this film). The movie just plain sucks. It’s never funny and almost becomes painful to watch. The abundant lack of effort show in the final cut is just insulting to me and shows that everyone involved in its production didn’t actually care about making a film that could even remotely, in its most basic of definitions, be entertaining. Scary Movie V is a crime against humanity and having another human being watch it should be constituted as torture—A Serbian Film is easier to sit through (and that one's funnier, too). 

Okay, I kinda laughed at this...but a kinda laugh in Scary Movie V is any noise
that isn't a groan or a cry for help.

I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to be punched in the face with this film’s obvious lack of comedy. In fact, if I ever met a person who told me that morbid curiosity is driving them to have a desire to see just how truly bad a comedy can be, I would tell them to illegal download it because the filmmakers clearly didn’t give a shit about their audience (or, even worse, thought so little of their audience that they believed that the steaming pile of crap they served them would somehow be passable); a viewer shouldn’t even expel the single dollar it is required to rent it from RedBox. No money whatsoever should be spent on seeing this shitty film. It would be more beneficially to take the cash and give yourself paper cuts—hell, the pain is easier to deal with than the pain this movie causes and you may even get a laugh out of it. Scary Movie V is the perfect example to direct a person when they complain that movies aren't as good as they used to be. All you need to do is point at that film and say, “No shit, right?”

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