Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching!  My wish is that we get more of these shitty Wishmaster movies.  Yes, I said MORE.

Wishmaster: Beyond the Gates of Hell – 1 out of 5

Awhile back, I watched the first two films in this series and found them to be incredibly terrible…but awfully fun to watch…because they are so terrible…and that makes them fun to watch…because—alright, you see what I’m getting at.

**Warning: This movie contains spoilers, as well as milk and soy ingredients.**

The Djinn is once again set free and out to see hell unleashed upon the world! At a small Illinois college, a young co-ed Diana (A.J. Cook) discovers a gem hidden in a puzzle box (not that puzzle box) and, in doing so, awoke the Djinn (John Novak replacing the laughably bad Andrew Divoff and his terrible Emperor Palpatine impression). Now the evil genie is out to see Diana complete her three wishes so he and his fellow Djinns can rule the world.

"'Made in China'...whew, I thought this was the Djinn waker-upper gem."

I’ll just say it, this movie is horribly made and just fucking silly. The production value is really, really low on it and the script was clearly written only moments before the director called “Action!” Not much going on in this film makes sense. For example, the filmmakers wanted a chase scene and, by god, they were going to have one and it didn’t matter if the scene before did nothing to set it up.

"Throw in a scene that has a girl in her underpants.  It'll distract the audience from
our shitty story." - The Director.

And speaking of set ups…

One of the things I’ve found to be endlessly amusing about these awful films is how quick and loose the genie plays with the whole “I wish” concept and the lack of any real ironic evil twist to the wishes. In the other films, the Djinn would grant wishes without the uttering of the words “I wish” and would grant them even if someone would just say they wanted something or if the genie asked if the victim agreed to something he said and would wait for their confirmation and grant the wish. Modern day genies don’t fuck around with that whole “I wish” business.
This one is a little different in the fact we kinda/sort of get some “I wishes” being uttered but, for the most part, he's just playing it by ear here. Granted the genie throws out some leading questions that no human being would ever ask another person in real life and the victim responds with their actual wish and not the more accurate, “Why the fuck are you asking me what I wish for, pervert?” At least it’s better than the Djinn just assuming what the people are wishing for and filling in the rest.  Nevertheless, this forced wishing really makes the film look ridiculous but funny at the same time.

Everyone knows the lame adage “Be careful what you wish for” and this cliché statement is always used in films that involve getting wishes from a magical genie. The wish-giver's words are twisted and the wish they get is given to them in an ironic way that backfires on the person quickly. The Wishmaster films are built on this but the problem is the screenwriters don’t really understand irony or the vague concept of twisting the words of the wish. Like the films that came before this, the deaths barely register on the ironic scale and feel less like the Djinn is trying to teach a lesson in watching out for what you wish for and more like he just wants to kill people and it doesn't matter how he does it.

Add all the horns you want to your genie but with a moronic face like that,
it's impossible to find him threatening.

He keeps telling his victims as they are paying the price for the wish and that they should have been more specific but even when they do go into the details, they still get shit in return. For example, a file clerk says she wishes the files would go up in flames so she can get the hell out of the office (which…makes sense…I guess). What does the Djinn do? Barely singes the files and burns her to death. She was pretty fucking specific there, the Djinn just wanted to get some kills under his belt...or was she a file all along and killing her was the only real way of leaving the office (the door is not an option). Surely he can’t do any worse…

Yes…yes he does. And don’t call me Shirley (wait, that joke doesn’t work when you can actually read the words “surely” and “Shirley.”)

The smile of a man who is shitting his pants and loving it.

One point, a victim says she wishes there was a place for her to hide (because everyone states out the obvious in a film about a kill-happy genie and starts them with the words “I wish”) and the genie decides to say “fuck all” to irony and twisting her words and just puts her head in a cage with some rats. And then he utters a pith-less pithy line about how no one will find her now or something like that. Come on, Djinn, you clearly weren’t even trying on that one.

An obviously terrible script that was written with a deadline of about 3 seconds by people who were probably doing a favor for someone or have some events in their past they are not proud of and wrote this under threat these events come to light isn’t the only issue this movie has going for it. The acting, not surprisingly, is just painfully bad…but makes the film entertaining to watch.

First off, you have Jason Connery as the Professor and the later form the Djinn takes and he can’t pull off either role. Whether it be the lonely professor who wishes for two women to love him forever (and they proceed to bite and scratch him to death…because, once again, the Djinn doesn’t understand irony or words in general) or actually being the Djinn himself, Connery looks lost. This lost look is mirrored by A.J. Cook as Diana as she seems just as confused by this film as Connery is.

He got his acting lessons from a deer in headlights.

Okay, he is not bright.  I mean he's using a cordless phone
as a cell phone.
 The best example of terrible acting has to come from Tobias Mehler who plays Diana’s boyfriend and, later, St. Michael the Archangel (yes, you heard that right, he ends up becoming an angel to fight the demon and, keeping with the quality of the film, their fight scenes are about as entertaining as two arthritic old men drunk on sleeping pills slapping each other). To be honest, I’m surprised that Mehler can actually form complete sentences because he plays the character like he is a barely functioning human being with brain trauma or has severe mental retardation.

"Me wish for things!"

Due to the fact this script is a mess, most of his actions don’t make much sense. For example, when Diana wishes for the Archangel to kicks some genie ass. Heaven says, “Yeah, we’ll help with that shit,” and bathes Diana in the warm blue light of the netherworld so Michael can take over her body. Operating on the instinct of either a dying monkey or a frat boy’s insane drive to be the center of attention, Mehler’s character pushes her out of the light and accepts the power of the gods…and probably said something under his breath about how a women’s place is in the kitchen, not holding the power of angels inside her. After this, we are then treated to even worse acting as Mehler tries to be a tough guy…but, like I said in my description of the fight scenes, the producers of this film don’t really know what tough looks like.

Heaven's sword makers aren't good at straight lines.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell is lame…but I was expecting lame and since it gave me that it becomes awesome lame. That means this movie is so bad that the joy that comes from watching it is derived entirely from the fact it fails to be a decent movie. But, don’t worry, even the filmmakers know this one is shit because they make sure to put in three pairs of boobies to distract you. Like the previous films, this third movie is just a huge, steaming pile of crap that is fun to watch just to see how much bigger the pile of crap can get.

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