Friday, July 12, 2013

Hellraiser: Revelations

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching!  Ever wondered what an abortion of a film looks like?  Look no further than Hellraiser:  Revelations.

Hellraiser: Revelations – 1 out of 5

Who would have thought that a movie that was produced in a matter of weeks in order to keep the rights to the franchise could be so bad that it, almost certainly, has destroyed the future for this iconic horror film series?

Actually, the answer to that one seems kinda obvious…

One of the boys was, apparently, played by Val Kilmer
from Real Genius.
Hellraiser: Revelations tells the tale of two guys who jump the border to party in Mexico. There they find booze and hookers and accidental murder—wait, wut? That’s right, after accidentally killing a hooker, the boys find themselves lost and alone in a country waiting to see some Gringos get prison-raped. A stranger appears before them and offers them up the experience of a lifetime in the form of a very familiar golden puzzle box (Why do they even bother calling it a "puzzle box" anymore since, if you watched the films, you know it requires no mental effort whatsoever to open fact, it usually seems like it opens itself). The boys take it and unleash Pinhead and the Cenobites from their sadomasochist dimension. Meanwhile, the boys’ families have been mourning their presumably dead bodies when one of them suddenly appears at their home. Things start to turn to the scary when it starts to get revealed what happened to him while hanging with the ‘head.

"Seriously, this wasn't difficult at all to open.  I just looked at it and it opened...
it's like it wants to be solved."

Revelations is the 9th film in the Hellraiser franchise and was made only as a way to allow Dimension Films to continue to hold the rights for the series. The film was made in only 3 weeks and combine that with the fact little time was placed on the script (a second draft wasn't even considered) and a budget that is lower than the price tag of feeding a family of four at Taco Bell (yeah, the budget is really small for this), the men who made Hellraiser quickly distanced themselves from the project. The man who created the original; Clive Barker, instantly stated he wanted nothing to do with the film or even have his name attached to it (even in a passive way) and the man who made Pinhead a horror icon; Doug Bradley, refused to reprise the role (probably because he was paid in Taco Bell sauces and coupons). After completion, the movie open in a single flippin' theater in California before going straight to DVD and leaving a lasting impact of completely obliterating the franchise.

"I screwed up that line.  Can we do another take?  No?'re at least going
to edit out this conversation you and I are having right?  No?"

I haven’t been the biggest fan of the Hellraiser series but I’ve always thought Pinhead was a pop culture icon that screams horror. Bradley took this character and made him a commanding presence that went beyond the fact he had fucking nails in his skull. To replace him may, on paper, seem like “no thang” because he’s just a man in makeup but seeing the performance from Stephan Smith Collins as Pinhead proves that the character was more than a leather costume and some white cover-up.

The puzzle box was even replaced by a new actor...but that change was a little more

 Collins just plain doesn’t come off threatening in any way, shape or form. First off, his rotund cheeks, near baby-like eyes and his lifeless, faux-dramatic style he gives when he reads his lines makes this usually unsettling character become a laughing stock—Collins looks less like a torturous demon and more like someone dressed up their baby as Pinhead…and comes off less threatening than the baby. 

"I will devour your soul in an eternity of torment and--"

"Aw, look at your chubby widdle cheeks!  Can I pinch them?"

Bradley is Pinhead—when he spoke as the character, you listened because even though the character wasn’t a Jason Voorhees individual that chased your ass down, Pinhead was a cool, collected villain that calmly stalked your backside and threatened you with dark poetry from a voice that reverberated off the walls. Collins tries to bring in a cliché villain whisper that sounds nothing like the character that Bradley set the industry standard for and only further makes Collins portrayal less about horror and more about unintentional comedy. Collins performance comes off like the Goth kid that thinks everyone is terrified of him because he bought a Cannibal Corpse shirt at Hot Topic, wears combat boots and has painted his nails black but, in realty, everyone is just laughing at him as he sits in the corner hissing at anyone who comes nearby.

Had that Goth kid looked like this, the laughs would have been exponentially fewer.

The rest of the movie is awesome—oops, sorry, I misspelled “terrible.” The rest of the movie is terrible. The story is basically the first film told all over again with some minor changes, there’s no real gore to speak off—and the little we get doesn’t live up to the insanity that has been seen in previous sequels—and the acting is bad on a level that shouldn’t exist. Collins laughable performance as Pinhead aside, the rest of the cast is filled with people who are either painfully unconvincing and flat or overact the hell out of every second they are on screen.

She's crying over her now dead career.

Hellraiser: Revelations should never have been made…but, since it was, it never should have been allowed to be released to the public. It should have been made in complete secrecy and anyone who whispered its existence be executed silently. Then, after its completion, it should have been tossed into the mythical dump where they put all those E.T. Atari games and never spoken of again. The other sequels in the Hellraiser films were bad but they always had an element of entertainment to be found somewhere within them…Revelations, however, does not have this element…only the element of disgust, disappointment and all around bad filmmaking.

Another Hellraiser:  Revelations related fatality...and he only got through the
first 30 seconds.

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