Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Captain American II: Death Too Soon

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! If there ever was a reason to burn the American flag, it was probably created because of this movie.

Captain America II: Death Too Soon – 1 out of 5

On my blog, I’ve been watching a lot of older Marvel movies before they decided that money, effort and actually respecting the source material was probably something they should do with their properties—or as I define it as; the era when Marvel clearly didn’t give a fuck and thought their readers were so brain dead that as long as you put the name of the character and/or book somewhere in the film the viewers would watch it and accept the destruction of their beloved characters…and, like my unnecessarily long definition of this time period, it went on for a long, long time. Giving us such unintentionally hilarious treasures like the Captain America film that proceeded this one, Dr. Strange giving up mysticism for a lost look and a porn star mustache, another Captain America movie from the 90s (which I will review in time), Dolph Lundgren punishing it up as himself pretending to be The Punisher and let’s not forget that this era extended all the way until Daredevil (although the Director’s Cut is pretty damn good), two Fantastic Four movies, Spider-man going Emo and taking a break from jazz dancing to cry on Sandman’s shoulder and Nic Cage as Ghost Rider…oh, and…*shutter* Ang Lee’s Hulk.

Taking off not long after the first film that completely obliterated all that was interesting and wholesome about the Captain America character, Death Too Soon sees Steve Rogers (Reb Brown) doing what he is known for…painting portraits of old people by the beach—wait, WHAT THE FUCK?!? Seriously?

"This is so much better than having a good backstory and fighting Red Skull."

Realize this:  At some point a person looked at Lee and
said, "Yes, that's my Miguel."

Anyway, while Rogers paints pictures that are so bad that they are dishonoring the legacy of Bob Ross for just existing during the 70s, a science working on finding a cure for aging (because, for some reason, we think of the natural order to the process of living to be a disease) is kidnapped by some terrorists led by Miguel (Christopher Lee—yes, the very European and very white Christopher Lee is playing a character of possible Spanish decent). Miguel takes the formula the scientist works on and uses it to create a gas that will make people rapidly age unless the President will give in to his demands. The government’s top scientists quickly start looking for a cure to this rapid-aging gas while Captain America goes to a town that is under the control of the terrorists and paints a picture of a cat and tries to make friends with a widowed farmer and her son…and, if there’s time, find Miguel.

"Just let me draw some boobies here on this picture of Captain America...
and now my evil plan is complete."

Like the previous film, the major crime that occurs to this one is that they changed everything good (and interesting) about Captain America. Rather than be a veteran frozen in ice, he remains the whimsical surfer who is a little too hippie for a superhero that was disgustingly established in the last film. However, even worse than his attitude of less punching/more painting, is the fact he is a hero in name only because he pretty much does jack shit to stop the terrorists.

"Just reach into my bad of used needles and venomous scorpions, Billy."

Captain America nearly crippled all credibility that bikers
had with his motorcycle.

The real heroes are the scientists who come up with the cure for the aging gas and what’s Capt. doing this whole time? I’ll give you a hint: I pretty much told you in my synopsis…he’s trying to find Miguel by making friends with a farm kid and possibly trying to nail his mom (although Reb Brown's creepy performance does kind of hint that the reverse of what I just said may be possible). After playing around on the farm and well after the cure has been discovered, Capt. finally puts on the suit and kinda/sort of does what he should have been doing the whole time and that is get into some action—wait, not the action he wanted from the widowed farmer lady...or the boy. 

"Who needs friends or protecting the country when you have oil paints
and a beautiful sunset to capture?"

However, even at this point, this version of Captain America proves to be a lame duck because when it comes time to fight the villain, it just ends up being a complete waste of time. Before the scuffle starts, Miguel gets doused with his own rapid-aging juice and starts to get old. So, he does what any fifth grader would do in a fight, he lunges at him and the two enter into a warm embrace. Capt. then knocks him to the ground with all the grace of a fat man on roller-skates and Miguel dies.

"Come here, ya big lug!"

Whoa...let's leave these two alone.

THAT’S IT! For that, Capt. is called the hero?!?  Taking down a man who is aging years in only seconds gives him everything short of a national parade?!? I almost wished this film could be Lucas-ed and have Iron Man digitally put in so he could fly in and blast a rocket up Capt.’s backside and fire his ass back to WWII so he can finally turn into the hero that he’s suppose to be.

"Isn't there a guy who uses these things to be a real hero?"

The rest of the film is filled with the exact same things as the other Marvel movies that came out during this time like bad acting, awful special effects, a very extremely weak story with very little plot in sight and production value that probably could be measured in cents, not dollars—except this time Capt.’s costume entered unforeseen levels of lame.

Suddenly, the Bat Nipples no longer look so ridiculous.

Those evil bastards!!!  Actually, judging by this version
of Captain America, he probably thought it was an improvement
and then thanked the henchmen for it.
 Like the last film, the movie is filled with little-to-no action, no tension and Reb Brown takes his level of bored acting to a whole new milestone—his delivery has about as much punch as a person waking from a decade long coma (maybe, after the first film came out, he took a nap and they only woke him up the moment before the director yelled, “Action!”). Not surprisingly, however, Christopher Lee is giving the only good performance in the entire film but he does his job so well that, as if to compensate in the wrong direction, the rest of the cast only seemed to get worse. I guess that’s why they kept Lee’s scenes to a minimum and why he was killed by being lightly shoved to the grass—if he wasn’t, he would have pantsed Captain America, stolen his shield (did I mention the shield still looks plastic in this sequel) and suddenly materialized a wet towel out of nowhere to start whipping him in the junk with—but, in fairness, with Reb Brown in the red, white and blue spandex (and that god damn ridiculous helmet) I’m pretty sure anyone—despite Brown’s very obvious appearance of being fit and in-shape—could easily take him down thanks to his portrayal of America’s Greatest Hero as a weak, almost insultingly dumb, individual.

His motorcycle has a hang glider attachment?  Shark Repellent spray on Batman's
utility belt no longer seems that stupid.

This outfit even made Toby Keith hate America.

Captain America II: Death Too Soon,with its title, feels like it’s referring to the feelings of joy being lost forever after watching this one. The movie takes all the fun elements from a comic book and immediately eliminates them and leaves you with a mushy mess that’s dressed in a flag pattern (not that I’m saying Reb Brown was out-of-shape in the film). The film is barely even a shadow of the established character and stories from the comics and it makes you wonder how much blow and how much money was given to Marvel in order to allow the near destruction of their character. I’m guess mountains of both.

Seriously, there's too much fucking painting in this movie!!!

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