Friday, May 17, 2013

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Wanna get a pizza and make fun of David Hasselhoff?

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. – 2 out of 5

I’ve never been a big fan of the character of Nick Fury—that is, to say, I’ve never been a fan of him until the Ultimates series came out and Nick Fury went from a generic gruff white old dude in white gloves and a white belt to a bad-ass drawn to look like Samuel L. Jackson. Old Nick Fury always seemed pointless to me and overdone in such a way I almost always expected the writer of the comics he was in to suddenly materialize in the panel and say, “Get it? He’s a no non-sense leader from New York. He’s got a tough exterior, shoots out obvious quips and LOOK AT THE STUBBLE ON HIS FACE AND CIGAR IN HIS MOUTH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! He has to be tough—just ignore the white belt.” And yes, writer, I got it. Fury was the tough, “I don’t do things by the book” boss who makes his own rules…but that doesn’t make him interesting.

And nowadays, the only people who wear white belts
are emos and douche bags.  Fury was a trendsetter for archetypes
we all hate.

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. was a made-for-TV movie that aired on Fox in 1998 and, due to the fact it looked like utter crap and I didn’t think Fury was an interesting character enough to warrant a movie (and due also to the fact the driver of KITT was in it), I never actually watched this until recently. If you follow my blog and my reviews, you may have noticed I’ve been on a kick of really shitty Marvel movies lately (and they made a lot of them—many of which are on Batman & Robin level of crap)—I’ve watched Captain America and his surfer incarnation from the 70s, a Dr. Strange film that eliminated all the cool things about Strange and replaced them with a main star who looks like he was too high on drugs to know what he was doing and possibly came wandering on set from his porno shoot next door and The Punisher movie that had Dolph Lundgren being Dolph Lundgren if Dolph Lundgren was The Punisher and not Frank Castle. Well, since I’ve been on this kick, I decided to check out the David Hasselhoff-containing Nick Fury film that I passed all those years ago.

Is his head trying to swallow his face?

After the infamous terrorist organization HYDRA gets their hands on a deadly virus and threatens to use it on the city of New York, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Col. Nick Fury is brought out of retirement to try and stop them. I wish there was more to the film than that but, realistically, that sums up the entire movie.

Shown:  The most convincing acting in the entire film.

"What does it do?  We don't know.  It's just cheap set
 Watching this film, it seemed like Marvel sat down and said, “You know how we draw Nick Fury with those white gloves and white belt and do so without irony or acknowledging how lame it is? Well, I think it’s time we acknowledge how lame he truly is. Put a call into Hasselhoff; only his overbearing and extremely hammy acting can really point out how generic our character is and, in making this movie, stop all future attempts of Fox making made-for-TV movies and using our properties for them—let’s not forget the Generation X fiasco, people. Now, let’s make some crap.”

Sandra Hess plays the villain Viper.  She was also in Baywatch Nights...
I have to wonder if Hasselhoff wasn't secretly funding this entire project.

Now while I admit I don't like the old incarnation of Nick Fury, it's not the reason I didn't like the film.  This movie has a lot going on in it that makes it's pure crap.  First off, the movie looks cheap—but that really shouldn’t be a surprise since it was made-for-TV and, as SyFy shows us on a weekly basis, the budget isn’t really something they worry about and just getting the product out there is all that matters. So, can we forgive this one for having production levels LOWER than some YouTube videos nowadays?  Maybe because there is something far worse in this film…

Here's a hint about what I'm talking about.

 …and that would be David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury. Don’t get me wrong, the entire cast sucks. Whether it be Sandra Hess overacting the fuck out of her role as Viper—the HYDRA daughter of Fury’s nemesis Baron Wolfgang von Strucker or Lisa Rinna giving a painfully flat performance as Fury’s estranged lover Contessa Val de Allegro Fontain. Pretty much every actor in this film is giving either flat and lifeless performances or eating the fuck out of the scenery around them…but none can compare to the level of scenery consumption that Hasselhoff is bringing with his performance as Fury.

That's the helicarrier?  Man, the exposed helicopter blades seen
in the comic books would have delivered more dignity.

It was like Hasselhoff found the cheesiest, most generic and wannabe General Patton scene he could find in any of the numerous comics he could get his hands on and then decided to play on that level the entire film. And it doesn’t help things that the script in this film is already laughably bad and filmed with facepalming retorts and one-liners that can barely be called pithy quips that could make every action star from the 80s give up on life and are completely devoid of any real wit or intelligence. In fact, most lines are on the borderline of Fury just saying, “Yeah, well…you’re a turd,” before running away to get a new white belt and apply more stubble on his chin to prove he’s tough.

Honestly, Lisa Rinna lifeless performance had more convincing bravado
than Hasselhoff.

And I won’t get started on how Hasselhoff (I won’t call him The Hoff) walks like he has a rash forming on his inner thighs due to the leather uniform he was given.

Here's a behind-the-scenes looks of the med team hauling Hasselhoff away
to treat his chaffing thighs...

Believe it or not, Hasselhoff’s god-awful performance is the film’s only saving grace. It’s obvious there was barely a budget or script and, in reality, the film’s story barely covers an 41 minute television show but it’s Hasselhoff’s truly shitty and delightfully delusional performance that makes the film fun to watch and why I gave it a 2 out of 5 rather than a more deserving 1. It’s clear he believes he’s giving the performance of a lifetime and that he is actually a badass as Nick Fury—although, the fight scenes he's barely looked conscious through says otherwise. It’s this dynamic that makes Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. watchable…the only problem was that, after it came out; we had to wait 10 years before an actually talented actor would come along and make the character of Nick Fury a badass.

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