Friday, May 10, 2013

Bikini Spring Break

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Or--boobs!

Bikini Spring Break – 1 out of 5

Oh, The Asylum…what a bunch of first rate douche bags. I know that sounds harsh but have you ever seen their films? For those who don’t know who or what The Asylum is, it’s a production company that specializes in extremely low budget, unbelievably poorly acted and all around god awful Direct-to-DVD films that are usually really bad horror/monster movies that are only enjoyable if you watch it while stoned or are watching it to make fun of it MST3K-style. Often the films they make are wannabes of big budget blockbusters that look enough like the better product in order to fool the naïve and/or ignorant and enough dislike the other to stop any real threat of a lawsuit. Bikini Spring Break (shockingly not a political thriller) is their answer to the Selena Gomez breast exposing film Spring Breakers…and it keeps the epic record for The Asylum of continuing to create shit!

They couldn't afford Selena Gomez so they hired her underdeveloped,
possibly constipated clone.

I wash my car the same slow-motion, wearing a
bikini and with lots of sex appeal.
 Despite the fact the film is nearly entirely montages of girls exposing breasts and getting covered in water and/or jellö, Bikini Spring Break actually has a story going on…but this is a film from The Asylum so they didn’t bother trying on the script that hard, they just had to get that shit made. The film follows a group of girls who—I think had names but were all played so poorly and written so sparsely that I literally have no idea what their character names were and even if the same girls were playing the roles when the movie ended (they easily could have switch out actresses and I wouldn’t have noticed, that’s how badly acted and written this one is)—anyway, these girls, when their tops are on (which is rare) are in a marching band at a small college and are on their way to Florida for the big marching band competition. However, on their way, their bus breaks down and they are exposed (not a flashing joke) to all the glories of Spring Break—Gob’s favorite holiday. Now they need to use the wet t-shirt contests, the jellö wrestling and all the other excuses for their tops to come off for the frat dudes in the audience in order to raise money to get to the competition. Also, did I mention this film has a lot of breasts in it?

Where the fuck is this spring break happening?

Other than being one long excuse for The Asylum to rip off Spring Breakers (or, as the media have dubbed this type of work: Mockbusters), the film is just one giant excuse to flash some mammaries to the only kid in the world who doesn’t have access to the internet and has to see some boob flesh by hitting up the local Redbox. While the film does offer up some semblance of a story (about as much as you can ask for from the company that made Nazis at the Center of the Earth) that little tit tidbit you get of story is there just to connect the scenes of the girls writhing around in slow motion while getting water poured on them, riding a mechanical bull (which, in the film, apparently only spins in circles and says “fuck all” to the bucking part), and there was probably even a scene where they were trying to figure whether the door was a push one or a pull one before the dilemma made their bras fly off their body like they were attempting to break the sound barrier. All these montages are set to some absolutely terrible license free music that makes the demo song that comes with the Casio keyboard you owned as a kid look dynamic and brilliant in its composition.

Seriously, was this filmed at a public park?  Is there a family having a picnic
by a pond just out of shot?

"So you'll pay me in sandwiches?  Oh, sandwich
coupons...okay, I'll do it...oh, they're expired coupons...
I'm in."
 It really shouldn’t be a surprise but the acting in this film is just plain awful. The only recognizable name in the film is Robert Carradine from Revenge of the Nerds and he’s giving about as much effort as a man who’s getting paid minimum wage for a role in a film. The rest of the cast gives off the performance you would expect from a production from The Asylum and girls whose only real duty is to make sure their bouncing baby feeders are in shot. The only thing that is worse than the cringe-inducing acting is the dialogue in every single page of the script. It was incredibly embarrassing to see that the film literally used texting acronyms like “lol” and “omg” in lines of dialogue. I’m not a very cool guy and I’m not very with it when it concerns hip things (the fact I use the word “hip” shows how out of it I am) but only once in my life have I ever heard a person use one of these texting acronyms out loud and when that happened my ears started to bleed. Since then, I haven’t heard it used but it wouldn’t surprise me that if the 40 plus year old pervert who wrote this script probably went to Twitter and saw the use of these acronyms and thought they were used in everyday speech (I also predict that the word “tit” was used very, VERY often in the script—a script that came with mysterious stains on most of the pages). Not to mention the film uses “that’s what she said” without sarcasm and actually utters the “insultsayswhat” gag that went out before it was even in.


The man with the inflatable guitar is ready to party with
the 5 other, non-main stars, who attended the wet t-shit
 Biking Spring Break offers no real redeeming factors other than the fact it’s fun to make fun of. The film is awful on all its levels and its use of über-gratuitous nudity is practically irrelevant in these times of free porn on the internet (fuck, I can get pics of naked people on my phone but that's mostly due to the fact I blackmail A LOT of people). However, if you are a fan of The Asylum (if such people actually exist) you might enjoy the bad jokes and nipples that pollute every second of the film (seriously, within 20 seconds of the film's start, half a dozen naked breasts are photographed) but for everyone else, the movie is decent to view if you want to rip into a really bad film and have a great (possibly stoned) night with some friends riffing away on a piece of crap. I warn you, however, if you are watching this for purposes beyond something to crank your sex stick to, it’s not worth the dollar rental at Redbox. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t openly advocate the downloading of copyright materials on my blog but if there ever was a company that deserves to be harmed by piracy, it’s The Asylum.

I just had to add this pic in order to really showcase the crap The Asylum is capable of...
this picture is suppose to be showing a near-hurricane level rain storm that occurs
in the movie.  Aim for the stars, Asylum.

1 comment:

  1. This is obviously not high art, nor did I expect it to be, but it was a rather painless effort to see breasts. It is amusing to see Robert Carradine here and at times one or more of the women (particularly the goofy one) do show a bit of actual talent. I think the review here is a tad bit harsh especially given the low standards warranted for this sort of thing.


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