13 Assassins – 4 out of 5
The samurai are cool; one cannot deny such a thing. I’m kinda a samurai myself—well, I own an umbrella that has a samurai sword handle and I totally thing that counts.
|"Quickly, the giant Q-tips to the front of the line."|
13 Assassins (the word “ass” appears twice in that word! Lovers of low-brow comedy, I threw you a bone—and now laugh because I said “bone”) is a 2010 remake of a 1963 black and white film of the same name. It is set in the 1840s and tells the tale of some samurai who are hired to take out a real dick of a human being.
|Put that thing away, I know you're proud of it but do you really need to keep|
whipping it out? (That can either be a dick joke or a fishing joke, your choice.)
|He may not look that bad but he really is. Like, "I Drown|
Puppies for the Erection it Gives Me" bad.
|Right after they finish their game of Naked Yahtzee.|
|That's an intense face. And that's just the face he makes|
when the restaurant has Coke and not Pepsi products.
|Boy, look at that rain. Bet you kinda wish you had a samurai sword umbrella|
I hate to boil the entire movie down to a single battle that takes up almost an entire hour but that battle is just that incredible to watch and just viciously entertaining as the blood flows and the swords swing. However, the battle aside, the rest of the film, and all it entails, is fantastic as well. The acting is intense, the drama is tangible as you feel that the mission these 13 men are undertaking is really that important and the sound…oh, the sound!
|The samurai in this film are so badass, I got my ass kicked just looking at |
When the battle gets going, every clang of the sword, every zing of the arrow, every splatter of blood dripping into the dirt, every deafening roar of the flames, all the grunts of rage and determination pushing past the warriors’ lips are all presented in top quality sound and sound editing. The noise of battle becomes the soundtrack to the absolutely phenomenal mini-war taking place in the village and is just as cool as watching the sword fighting unfold. It's a feast for the eyes and the ears, people...and it satifyies completely.
|Wow, he's really intense. This is the face he probably makes when the |
toilet paper isn't hanging properly.
If I were to find fault in the film it would be in the fact there is some questionable CG during the battle sequence and the replay value is kinda limited for me. The CG isn’t absolutely terrible but it does stick out enough in the action that it looks fake—however, soon after the bad CG the awesome samurai action spills on the screen and you’re quick to forget the CG ever took place.
|Except this man, he was completely CG and he looked incredible.|
|"No, I'm not a samurai, I'm crazy as a loon and you just found|
me in the woods...sure I'll kill an entire army with you."