Wednesday, February 13, 2013


***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Skyfall – 5 out of 5

I never have been a James Bond fan. The suave spy ingesting martinis using gadgets that became more ridiculous with every film and convincing women to jump on his STD-ridden cock through the use of boner innuendos was not something that spoke to me. However, I did see the appeal and have watched my fair share of the films in my time (I have to say that I enjoyed Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan the most while watching these films). It wasn’t until Daniel Craig (one of my personal favorite actors and a man I’m not afraid to admit I have a huge man-crush on—seriously, I’m not gay but if he asked me to be and wanted to run away with me I wouldn’t think twice) became 007 did I really become a fan of James Bond. When Casino Royale was released I got to see a Bond that wasn’t about being a refined gentleman running amok of the Queen’s enemies but a pure, uncut badass who cared less about making sure his tux didn’t get wrinkled and cared more about making sure his knuckles found purchase in the faces of as many thugs as it could. Even though we are only three movies into the new round of Bond films I’m going to make a bold claim…Skyfall is the BEST James Bond film I have ever seen. Hold your horses there, individual about to comment and tell me that Skyfall is NOT the best James Bond film. I realize you love 007 in Shooting Colorful Bad guys in the Face and Sweaty Sex with Sex-Named Women the best but Skyfall is my Bond film of choice!

"You could always fall...into my bed and then look at the sky while I--"

"Okay, I get it.  Let's get this over with."

The film opens with James (Craig, but you knew that) involved in a mission to recover a hard drive that contains uncover operatives’ identities. The mission goes wrong and James is believed to be killed. Time goes by and it’s revealed that another believed fallen agent by the name of Silva (Javier Bardem) has his hands on the hard drive and is threatening to reveal its info. After an attack on MI6 brings James out of retirement (or phony death, whichever), Bond is forced to tried to get back into fighting shape and stop Silva.

And at one point he becomes Bane.

Director Sam Mendes (American Beauty) took the helm for this film and created, like I said, the best James Bond film I have ever seen. Everything about this film works—the action, the villain, the striking visual style and shots, Daniel Craig’s alluring blue eyes—everything.

Strap yourselves in, there is going to be a lot of references to those baby blues.

This scene...
From the moment this movie starts, the slick action kicks off (tell me, those who saw it, that you didn’t think that moment at the beginning of the movie where Bond leaps into the train and, after landing, fixes his suit is the tightest thing you’ve ever seen). From beginning to end, this movie offers up the great fast pace action that we’ve seen in the previous two Craig-infused Bond films but this one only gets better as it has one of the greatest villains I have ever seen in a 007 film (I can hear you already, sir, getting ready to comment about how I’m wrong on this one).

Damn...this shot alone can make a woman pregnant.

He can really pull off the unconventional hair styles.
Bond has always had classic villains who were not only colorful but playfully evil. Hell, it’s always been my dream to play a Bond villain because screw screwing chicks and drinking martinis when you can inform Bond of your plan before placing him alone with an easily escapable deathtrap...while you pet a cat...evilly. This film brings on a former agent that nearly died while serving M (Judi Dench) and is now on a vendetta to destroy her. Javier Bardem (who was the kick-ass bad guy with the odd haircut in No Country for Old Men) plays Silva and his performance is nothing short of magical...he also has another great hair style. His eerie and tantalizing portrayal of Silva and each interaction he has with Daniel Craig is the reason movies were invented and were so good that I almost cheered for the villain to win (so I could see more of him) and wanted to film to be even longer (so I could see more of him).

Boy, he looks cool even just walking with a blazing fire behind him...

And tripping...he looks pretty cool tripping...with a blazing fire behind him.


Bardem has already proven to be a great actor but he quickly demonstrated to me that he is the best James Bond villain to ever exist as he showed that he’s not only an intellectual strategist who can bring MI6 to their knees but holds his own against Bond during their war of the words (words that get very sexy—those who saw the movie know what I’m talking about).

About as sexy as the beard Albert Finney is sporting!

With Bardem as Silva kicking ass as the villain, the rest of the cast is filled with the top notch actors this new reboot of the franchise is quickly becoming known for. Ralph Fiennes comes in to get MI6 in order as Gareth Mallory, Albert Finney comes in a figure from Bond’s past and we now get to have Q introduced to this new series…and what a Q he is!

Here he is drinking Ecto Cooler from a mug.

"Your fly is open, James..."
Bond fans have been patiently (and by patiently, I mean complaining loudly on the internet) for the Bondism we know and love to finally make their appearance to this new series of 007 films; things like his signature martini, introducing himself as “Bond, James Bond” and Q. Well, this film delivered them all and the Q they brought in fits perfectly with the new direction the films are taking. This new Q (played by Ben Whishaw) is less of a comic relief man who shows off the impossible (and often hilarious) gadgets Bond is going to have and acts more as a realistic tech man who’s still wet behind the ears—honestly, having Q as a young man who looks fresh out of college only makes sense because an old man doing tech stuff is to hard to believe—my mom can’t even change the channel on her digital cable. This move only makes the film give off the more realistic and less cartoonish feel that this new franchise is taking.

"Mmmm...I love candy."

And speaking of Bondism, did I mention the Aston Martin makes an appearance? Because it totally does!

"Behold...the enhancement of my penis!"

The trademark Aston Martin is about as the most defining quality of James Bond as you can get (the next being the fact that if you have sex with him, you will most likely—almost in a guaranteed way—die…whether it be from an STD—this guy bones a lot of women—or from the fact that the villain will target you for letting James inside you) and this film brings it back. Even cooler is the fact that the car’s stunt double (they exist) was created using that awesome 3D printer—the same printer that I keep begging the inventors of to make me a functioning lightsaber but their only response came in the form of a restraining order.

Silva gazing into Bond's eyes...(This review is getting creepy with all my references
to Daniel Craig's eyes.)

Finally, one of the things I really enjoyed about this film—when I was able to pull myself from being lost in Daniel Craig’s eyes (there's another one!)—is the fact the film takes a couple of jabs at the self-made clich├ęs of the Bond franchise. Cracks about Q’s age, the gadgets from the past and even the ejection seat in the Aston Martin all get riffed on and offers up the film a playful feel that plays along with its engaging story and kick-ass action.

This is what happens when you put marshmallow peeps in the microwave.

I also have to obliviously mention the theme song because it wouldn’t be a James Bond movie without one. Adele, taking a break from making albums about breakups and being the more talented version of Taylor Swift (sexier too in my opinion) belted out the awesome theme for the film. Here take a listen…

This song accompanies the usual creative openings we know from the Bond series and the song is just powerful. The song’s tone perfectly fits Bond’s struggle to get back into shape to take on Silva after nearly being killed at the beginning of the film. However, as good as this song is, it’s not my favorite Bond song. This one is…

Okay, I added that video gratuitously because I love the song…and I’m 100% sure that Jack White can actually kill people with the power of his music and the fact he rocks just that fucking hard.

The same can be said about Judi Dench's rocking abilities.

I'm sorry, Daniel what did you say...I was lost in your eyes
and ruggedly scruffy face.
Daniel Craig not only proves why he’s one of my favorite actors (seriously, Craig, if you asked me I would run away with you) but also proves why he made me a Bond fan with his continuing amazing portrayal of the iconic spy. Skyfall is just one of those perfectly crafted films that’s sole purpose is to entertain you—the disc practically jumps out of your player, takes your out for a nice dinner, tells a few jokes, buys you a few drinks and then makes sure you are not going home alone…and then, when you wake up, it drives your one-night stand home and then brings you back some breakfast and rubs your feet. Simply put, Skyfall is what movies are suppose to be: Pure, high-quality, top-shelf entertainment that delivers on every front.

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