Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle – 1 out of 5

Despite the title, this 1990 film is actually a powerful tale of romance during the early days of America and the quest to make the great nation we know—ahhhh, I’m just fucking with you. This movie is a British horror spoof about a vampire motorcycle.

"RAWR!!!  I'm evil!!!"

"There's no way this satanic ritual could go wrong."
So the story goes that after being interrupted during a satanic ritual to bring forth a demon, a motorcycle ends up being the carrier of an other-worldly creature of evil. A young delivery driver named Noddy (Neil Morrissey) ends up purchasing the bike and soon learns that the bike is killing people for their tasty, tasty blood in the night. With the help of a garlic-stinking cop and a priest played by C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) Noddy is out to stop the chopper's rampage.

"Seriously, I would rather deal with the cycle than your garlic funk."

First off, it needs to be noted that it took two people—TWO PEOPLE—to write this film. After watching it, you would think it would have only took one person and copious amounts of alcohol and other mind-altering substances but you would be abso-fucking-lutely wrong. This project, in all its magnitude, required more minds and you should be just amazed that they were able to do it with just two and not an army of the greatest minds to ever exist throughout time. This leads me to sarcastically believe that these two are near god-like in their talent. How else can you explain the strange dream sequence that offers nothing to the film’s story and contains a talking piece of shit…
Yeah...this exists.

Honestly, for a horror spoof, the movie isn’t completely terrible. It’s obvious they were trying to make a comedy but the jokes just weren’t that good (I won’t lie, though, I did chuckle at a couple of the legitimate jokes but I laughed harder at the unintentional ones). However, the film does fail miserably at trying to be a comedy and it is within its failure that the true comedy starts.

"Hello?  No, you'll have to speak up I'm wearing an awful shirt."

Dream sequences about talking feces and the fact there’s a point where the motorcycle is checking out Noddy’s girlfriend might be enough…
Somewhere a conservative motorcycle is blaming the way she dresses for this.

Also, look beyond the fact that despite the fact the cycle got a hard-on (or exhaust-on? I don’t know the penis erection equivalent on a motorcycle) for the girl and then later became hell-bent on killing her—no wait, don’t look beyond these facts because the fact that these elements are so lame is something that makes the film unintentionally funny—granted a talking piece of shit and a demonic form of transportation checking out a chick’s rack is, on paper, suppose to be funny but this film flops at making the transition from paper to screen but it’s attempt is what ends up getting the ha-ha’s.

"I look natural riding this motorcycle."

The best, and funniest, element this movie had going for it had to be the fact that a majority of the killing takes place off screen (because how the fuck are you exactly going to show a motorcycle killing and drinking the blood of a person)…
Can the thing drive on walls?

and the fact you never see any real speed from the motorcycle. It’s no joke, the vamp-cycle barely makes it past speeds of 5—maybe 10—miles per hour. Which leads to the big question: How the hell did this thing kill anything when all you had to do was have a light jog to your vehicle, casually start it up and drive safely and prudently to the nearest highway before the thing could ever get close to you? But I guess that's their way of making fun of the fact that in most horror films the killer casually walks everywhere and somehow is able to catch the half-naked chick running frantically through the woods and/or abandonded facility of some kind.

"It's about three miles behind us.  If we slow down it will catch up to us in about an hour."

Before you say it, I'll address it because I know you're dying to point out the fact the film is titled I Bought a Vampire Motorcyle so did I really expect greatness from it?  No, I didn't.  I realized the title alone is stupid but with a title so blatantly obnoxious and moronic how could I pass this one up?

"OH YEAH!!!"

"Eh, that bike will be malfunctioning within a's such
a near-sighted scrap pile..."
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle tries to lampoon horror tropes but fails in a fantastic way. When it tries to crack jokes and spoof the horror scene it does so in the lamest or most obvious way (or in a way that involves talking poops). Watching the film, it’s hard to decipher if the filmmakers thought they were making a witty spoof or if they were just phoning it in because a case could be made for both. Either way, whatever the intention, the end product is a mess of a film that doesn’t quite know where it’s going but it knows that there’s a vampire motorcycle riding on the road with it—the fact that such a thing exists and it offers up some humor (albeit, not intentional humor) is an awesome thing. Plus you get to hear our favorite protocol droid utter the line, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the HOLY SHIT!!!” That line alone is enough to consider watching this film...although it would have been better if he said it in the Threepio voice.

Then, at one point, the motorcycle raped was awful.

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