Monday, February 11, 2013


***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Gymkata – 1 out of 5

When the government needs an operative who can kick ass in the most ridiculous fashion they turn to a…Olympic gymnast? What the fuck?

"If I peaked out from behind the tree would it be easy for you guys to hit me?"

Important aspect of gymkata:  Bright yellow pants.
In 1985, it was somehow decided (thanks to drugs, sleep deprivation or a child, me thinks) that Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas would make a great action hero because, you know, he can do cartwheels and flip and shit, so the laughably bad film cleverly titled Gymkata (a new martial arts that involves the use of pummel horses, uneven bars and splits) was made.

"I'm glad they installed these pointless bars to aid me in my ridiculous martial arts."

The story goes that the government wants to install a site in the small country of Parmistan (parmesan? No, Parmistan) for their “star wars” program (not the good Star Wars either). The problem is that they need to win at a dangerous game the country holds which they call “The Game” (they’re not good at naming things in Parmesan—I mean, Parmistan). Like any government agency would, they call upon a gymnast by the name of Jonathan Cabot to compete in “The Game.” Before he leaves, they give him training that uses martial arts and his ability to flip in the air, as well as to somehow create a cartoon sound effect when his body (or someone he strikes) hits the ground. Leading this training is the daughter of the leader of Parmesan Parmistan who Cabot, for reasons never fully explained beyond the fact she’s female and he’s male, falls in love with her.
Could have done without this shot, movie.

Cabot hits Parmistan and is ready for the games only to learn that the woman he, for some reason, loves is going to marry another, somehow, douchier man. No longer content to win the game so America can get a foothold in the country for their space defense program, Cabot is now playing for the hand of the woman he strangely loves (seriously, they never give any reason why he loves this girl—in fact, she doesn’t speak through most of the movie and despite the fact she wasn’t talking to him and was his teacher, he upped and kissed her for shits and giggles and because, seemingly, he’s a registered sex offender).

That outfit is not helping his case...

They never explain the hawk...other than the obvious
out-of-control budget that is implied by the inclusion of
the thing.
Why the premise and gimmick behind Gymkata didn’t clue in the filmmakers and producers that this movie was absolute horse shit is a mystery the world will never understand but the end result is something so magical and probably the best example of an unintentional comedy ever produced. Everything about this movie screams, no BEGS, to be mocked at: Whether it be the pansy-styles of Thomas throwing punches or that someone thought doing a handspring into a cartwheel before kicking a bad guy in the face was somehow bad-ass or the fact you literally almost see an extra get trampled to death at one point…
Photographic evidence of two extras almost being trampled by horses...while the other
extras cheer on the atrocity.

Or the fact the film’s antagonist looks like he should be a bassist for a bad 80s hair metal band…
"The earring only enhances my douche bag powers of evil."

"Does anyone know where the bathroom is?  I am going
Gymkata the hell out of a burrito that isn't sitting well."
This film is just a riot from beginning to end and it’s actually a shame that Thomas didn’t take off with this series because imagine all the great Gymkata sequels that could have been produced. Imagine how they could possibly stretch the premise of a gymnast martial arts “expert” (I hesitate to call him an expert but martial arts buffoon seemed mean). Then again, they might have already exhausted the premise with this film as they shoehorned a pummel horse into the film…or maybe Middle Eastern countries just install that shit in their town squares.

Gymkata is a movie I’ve always been familiar with (and one referenced a lot in one of my all-time favorite shows; Mystery Science Theater 3000) but have never actually sat down to watch. It wasn’t until my tastes refined to the point where I have grown to love and actively seek out bad cinema did I feel the need to finally sit down and watch a weakling flail his way through a karate fight while possibly wearing a diaper under his sweatpants.
He's totally wearing a diaper.

And, I have to say that the experience was great. But not because the movie is awesome or anything but because it is so amazingly bad.

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