Monday, February 25, 2013

Bigfoot County

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Bigfoot County – 1 out of 5

There is now literally NOTHING that the “found footage” horror genre will not exploit. Even our large footed Sasquatch ally from the woods isn’t safe from the cheap gimmick.

Gah!  Bigfoot!

There’s nothing special going on with this movie. Three acting-challenged individuals set out to make a documentary about the mysterious big woods wanderer (because when hundreds of cryptozoologists and Angelfire website holders can’t find him, three nobodies can do it!). They hear about a 9-1-1 call where a man claims his dog was ripped in two by the beast and they make their way out to the town it originated from to find the man who made the call. A man named Travis (Sam Ayers) admits to being the man and claims he can take the three to see Bigfoot. They agree and when Travis abandons them in the woods they soon discover themselves lost in the woods and hunted by something lurking in the shadows.

"Yeah...Bigfoot killed my dog.  He also stole my wallet and took a dump in the pants
I currently am wearing."

Basically this film is a remake of The Blair Witch Project but instead of a witch the movie has Bigfoot and instead of creative and unique filmmaking it has heaps and heaps of crap and bad dialogue.

Nothing sells horror like static shots of people's feet.

First off, the writer/director decided to star in the film (Stephon Stewart) and not only is he guilty of having a pretentious name, he’s also guilty of a complete lack of creativity as he just gives his own name for the lead character and ops-out of the actual writing in the writing phase…unless, adding the word “fuck” to every other word in a sentence was in the script but me thinks it wasn’t.

" I have an idea for a shitty movie that requires almost nothing on our part..."

One could easily make a drinking game of all the times the character use the word “fuck” as filler for their sentences but it would ultimately end in alcohol poisoning within minutes of the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude and I have nothing against profanity (seriously, have you read my fucking blog?) but I have a problem with lazy writing. If I had a dollar for every time I was at an open mic and had to listen to a young comic stumble his way through a half-written joke who just adds “fuck” every other word because they forgot to feather out their set-up and punchline I would get to retire and never have to get on stage again or do another review.

It has the look of Paris Hilton's sex tape but not the same amount of scares.

Improv is hard—REALLY HARD! The quickest way to tell if someone is incapable of improv is to watch them freeze up when action is called. The second quickest is to hear how often they rely on the word “fuck” or “like” when trying to stammer out the simplest of sentences. That’s basically the entire film. Every line is “I was—ah, fucking—trying to—ah, fucking—” It gets old real quick and just makes the film look cheap—and the movie already looks cheap enough as it is.

The look of a woman trying to swallow pride because someone probably has some
dirt on her in order to get her in this piece of shit.

Even the actors in the film are trying to locate the story
and the scary parts.
I already hinted that this film had bad acting but I simply can’t put into words how bad the acting was. And the fact there was clearly no script also comes into play here as some sequences of the film start to play out like Stephon just said, “Okay, we need this basic scene and let’s go!” What follows is a sequence that becomes painfully long and ultimately ends up with something that did nothing to help the already weak story and ended up hurting the film by making it even worse. At that point I imagine Stephon raised his hands in the air, shouted in triumph and made a vague claim that he was making The Godfather of Bigfoot movies. Once again, I have to emphasize improvisation is very difficult and if you can’t do it and rely on it for the entire movie because writing scripts seems even more difficult for you the end result is going to be a movie so painfully bad that a trip to a dentist and getting a root canal that you don’t actually need seems totally rational and a great excuse to get out of watching the film—because the movie is so bad you are quick to forget that there is a “stop” button on your DVD player.

"I'm telling you it's only ten bucks.  The things I can do with this hand..."

Bad acting, shitty camera work (shitty being relative since it’s a “found footage” movie and they are not known for quality camera work so that shows how bad this one does it) and a painfully obvious fact there was no script but a small outline written on a cocktail napkin next to some doodles of boobs are all obvious but the film’s biggest failure comes in the lack of payoff and ending that should have just basically been Stephon Stewart standing in from of the camera spreading his buttcheeks and saying “Fuck you, you watched my shitty movie now watch me take a steaming shit on the camera for your wasted investment of money and time.”

This is nearly 65% of the film.

For the eight of you who are actually going to watch this movie—you are probably related to Stephon Stewart and are going to watch it against your will—and don’t want the film spoiled, I suggest you leave the review now. For the rest of you, scroll down because a major spoiler is going to happen…

Keep going….

Almost there…

How you doing? Okay?

Seriously, just about there…

Okay, I think I took this joke far enough…

Here’s the spoiler…BIGFOOT IS BARELY IN THE FILM!!! What the fuck?!? Oh, you’ll get a glimpse of him but the movie would rather have raping backwoods rednecks be the film’s antagonist than the mythic beast that dominates the fantasy’s of lonely cryptozoologists the world over. I normally don’t give away such a spoiler of such a magnitude but this movie was such a work of shit and was clearly made for the sole reason of trying to cash in on the “found footage” popularity that Stephon Stewart (who is basically just the Devil) shat out the crappiest film that twenty dollars, a few hours in a nature preserve and paying for dinner for the co-stars could buy (and judging by their performances, the dinner was the value menu at McDonald’s with a three dollar limit.)

This is, honestly, the best shot of a Bigfoot in the entire film.

Pure and utter shit is the best way I can describe Bigfoot County. The undeniable lack of creativity is so evident that the entire film becomes an argument that it wasn’t just a lack of creativity but Stephon himself slapped creativity in the face and as it hit the ground took a hot piss upon it. The film offers up no tension (unless you count a five minute scene of a guy stumbling around a cave and panting tension or watching the grass as the same man stumbles around also tension), gives no pay off, offers no real characters, no semblance of story, no plot to be seen—fuck it, all the film gives you is bad dialogue and a migraine. I hate to rant but this movie was so awful that I actually found myself saying that after sitting through Bigfoot County I could easily sit through the entire Twilight series and find it a more enjoyable experience than sitting through this crapfest. 

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