Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Amityville Curse

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Amityville Curse – 1 out of 5

Yep, I’m working my way through the sequels of The Amityville franchise. Just to recap…the first one I felt was a classic but not scary, the remake was a slight improvement but still not scary (despite the director was clearly in love with Ryan Reynolds’ abs), the second one (that was actually a prequel) was creepy due to an incest involved storyline, the third one went 3-D (which is a requirement with a horror film franchise) and was laughably bad, the fourth one involved a possessed lamp (yeah, you heard that one correctly) and now I’m on to the fifth one that decides to do away with the iconic house and is a part of the franchise in, basically, name only.

Ladies found this look irresistible in the 80s.

Apparently down the road (or on the other side of town) from the iconic home on Ocean Avenue, rests a home that is also haunted by ghosts and is now up for sale. A young couple sees this house and decides they are going to buy it, renovate it and sell it for profit because this couple was way ahead of their time before reality TV shows made people believe that this was actually an easy way to become a millionaire. With the help of another couple and a slightly rapey-looking single friend, they begin their work on fixing up the fixer-upper. Quickly, the five people discover that the house has a history where people have been murdered and is now home to some troubled spirits. One of those said spirits possesses one of the people and the killing starts...

"Amityville'zzz...what's Amityville'zzz, precious?"

After the 2nd film, the Amityville movies started to take a turn for the “Fuck it, do a sequel” and consistency and continuity no longer mattered. This one takes it a step further and decided that they would not even have a role for the original house and just make a ghost story with the Amityville title slapped on. The production also seemed to have the “fuck it” attitude and after the movie was lazily put together, it was released only on video and has yet to achieve a DVD release. Somewhere, one of the few fans of this franchise sits morosely over this unfortunate outcome.

"Fuck it, it's close enough to the other house."

Without a doubt, this is the laziest entry in the Amityville franchise. The story is a typical ghost story entry that sounds more like a Boy Scout making up bullshit around the campfire and the “scares” involved in the actual film looks like that same Boy Scout wrote the script and directed the film. Honestly, there’s not much going on here in the way of “ghosts.” There’s a couple of scenes where a few characters see the home’s “ghost” but it’s just an actor with some make-up to make him look like the zombie kid who really likes turtles (once again, the movie was just ahead of its time as it involves flipping houses and it references a viral video before viral videos went…viral).

Eh, old ladies might find this scary, I guess.

In order to keep the “why bother trying” mentality of the film, one could easily make the argument from what was seen on the scene that the director was either instructing his actors to not try or was only on set in-between lengthy phone calls with an unknown source pleading for his legs to not get broken and that he’s good for the money once the movie came out. It sure doesn’t help when every character within the haunted house is a pretentious asshole whose demise you find yourself rooting to happen. Especially the character of “The Professor” who is seemingly doing his best to become a stock character for the self-indulgent elitist but got his training from a high school drama coach.

Is he wearing 8 turtleneck sweaters under the non-turtleneck sweater?

It should be worth noting that Kim Coates of Sons of Anarchy fan starred in this movie and, only in retrospect, is the biggest name in the film. But at least things worked out for him and he’s on one of the best shows on television right now so you can forgive him for being in this unimaginative cash-in. Everybody’s got to work--I won't even tell you the awful things I did and that therapy has yet to help me cope with or erase in order to pay for college.

"Yes...someday this film will only exist as a credit on my IMDb page."

Like all things sequel and horror film-related, I wasn’t expecting much from this one. Like all other Amityville sequels I haven’t seen this one till now because of the fact I didn’t decide to commit my time and energy to watching them due to my lack of enthusiasm for the original. However, now my time and energy is worthless so there’s my explanation for now watching them. I actually wanted this movie to be one of those great awful films that is easy to laugh at but, instead, it was just boring. With its unimaginative story and even less so scares it became an effort to just and try and make fun of it. It’s one of those movie where the entire time I watched it, I thought about all the chores I could be getting done in lieu of all the time I wasn’t being entertained or scared.

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