Thursday, January 10, 2013


***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Ted – 5 out of 5

Seth MacFarlane has become a dynamo in the world of entertainment. He’s like Frank Sinatra if Frank also had a fondness for telling ironic racist, sexist and all-around offensive humor in addition to belting out grand musical numbers. Seth made a name for himself with the hit show Family Guy which proved to be too Un-Simpsons and too offensive for Fox so they cancelled it but the fans proved to be too powerful and Seth cock-slapped the network into bringing him back and making him more powerful than ever—he’s like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Fox is Darth Vader.

I'll be honest, a teddy bear smoking weed was what sold me the most on this film.

Now Seth is bigger than he's ever been. Not only is Family Guy still dominating on television but Fox gave him two more shows in the form of American Dad and the infinitely recycled Family Guy-spin-off; The Cleveland Show, he’s going to host the Oscars this year and he wanted to reboot The Flintstones (whether you think that’s a good idea is up to you). With his release of his first live-action directorial debut, Seth can now add “Creating the Highest Grossing R-rated Comedy of All Time” to his list of achievements.

Also add "Made a Movie That Features a Teddy Bear Dry-humping a Cash Register"
to that list.

Ted is the story about a little boy named John Bennett who wishes his Christmas gift of a teddy bear becomes sentient—and it does. John and Ted (voiced by MacFarlane) grow up as best friends and are completely inseparable—John losing his virginity must have either been insanely difficult or ridiculously easy with a talking teddy bear. Once John (Mark Wahlberg) gets older and is face deep in a serious relationship with a young woman named Lori (Mila Kunis), he is faced with the reality that a teddy bear can’t be his best buddy and pot smoking partner his whole life. John and Ted are forced to come to the realization that both men (or guy and bear) need to grown up and evolve into adults. Unfortunately, as they are coming to grips with giving up their party lifestyles, an obsessed man-child (played by Giovanni Ribisi) is out to kidnap Ted and give him to his portly, equally undeveloped child.

Just looking at this pic I fear that I shall be raped by Ribisi's character...possibly
the fat child too.  I'm just going to stop looking at this pic, I 'm scared.

First off, this movie is funny as all fuck! Yeah, that’s how serious I am about how funny this movie was—I had to fucking drop an Eff-Fucking-Bomb! The humor is exactly what you expect from the guy who created Family Guy. It’s filled with ironic gags about homophobia, chauvinism, racism and tons of references to past properties—mainly to Flash Gordon. Hell, even Flash himself; Sam J. Jones, makes a cameo in order to complete the joke about John and Ted being obsessed with the classic, cheesy Sci-Fi film. Those easily offended and/or containing a stiff rod up their asses that prevent them from seeing how truly ripe the world is for parody shouldn’t watch this.

Also if you hate Flash Gordon, I don't want to know you.

Every one involved does their best to make sure what MacFarlane wrote on the script transferred to the screen. Mark Wahlberg, who proved to me with The Other Guys that he’s capable of being intentionally funny despite this happening…

The serious look of a man who could take down a terrorist...
...was able to play an exceptional straight man as well as an exceptional immature child begrudgingly becoming a man for the sake of keeping that hot piece of Kunis. Combining him with MacFarlane as the voice of the foul-mouth, beer-drinking, pot-huffing, whore-banging Ted seemed to be one of those matches made in heaven. Add in Mila Kunis as the catalyst for the change needed in John Bannett’s life and not only do you have a girl that’s easy on the eyes but she can hold her own and provide some laughs despite MacFarlane and Wahlberg dominating the film. Quite an amazing thing considering a lot of attractive actors and actresses in Hollywood having the ability to be convincing and an asset to the film in a capacity beyond getting slack-jaws to utter “man, she’s purdy” is a rare thing.

Shut up, Meg.

Wahlberg patiently waiting for you to say hi to your mother
for him.
Even side characters filling the film’s story only add to the level of humor the film constantly tosses your way like a hopped up monkey—jokes being the turds of this vivid imagery. Giovanni Ribisi is both horrifying and hilarious as the potential serial killer out to collect Ted for his child and Joel McHale dons his best Douche Suit to play the asshole boss of Lori who’s out to get John out of the picture in order to venture into her nether-regions. Come to think of it, a major aspect within this film’s plot is someone trying to take something else away from others—Kinda like what Michael Bay did with my childhood, capacity for caring, my time and money when he made the Transformers movies. MacFarlane could have done the same with my time and money with Ted but chose instead to create a really funny movie. And because I am in no way a vain, egotistical person I like to believe that he did this entirely for my approval…and he got it.

I also assume Ted is waving at me.

An easy criticism to make about Ted is the fact it is offensive for the sole purpose to be offensive.  However, if you actually sit down and watch the film, it’s anything but that. Behind all the gay, fart and penis jokes MacFarlane crafted a truly touching story of a man, his teddy bear and his girlfriend somehow trying to find some sort of balance where they can each have their relationship, have their fun but grow up and face becoming an adult as well.

Sexy or creepy?  The correct answer is creepy.  Why the fuck did you pick sexy?

Another easy criticism is to say that Ted is just Family Guy without all the characters from the show and a stuffed animal in their place. Sure it’s easy to say that because MacFarlane wrote it and provided the vocals for the bear, Family Guy composer Walter Murphy does the music so the familiar musical cues are all there and a lot of Family Guy alumni provide supporting cast in the film including Alex Borstein, Patrick Warburton, John Viener and Ralph Garman. 

John Viener from Family Guy playing a character that is basically a character
he does in the show.

MacFarlane has a very unique sense of humor that, whether you like it or not, is going to show up in all projects he does. It’s no different than saying all of AC/DC’s music sounds the same, all of Dane Cook's material is poorly written and shouted at the audience, and all the Twilight movies suck because they are made entirely of the clingy obsessions of misguided who don’t have an understanding of what good writing or movies are about; that's just how entertainment and our interaction with it works. If you like his stuff, you don’t really see it as a re-harsh of some of his other work but if you don’t like his stuff, that’s all your going to see and you won’t be able to see everything else that went into the film—even small things like Seth’s ability as a director to set up sequences or his ability to build up a great joke (even if you hate his jokes, you have to admit the guy knows timing). 

Also he put Ryan Reynolds in it and refused to have him show his abs.  The man
has the revolve of a god.

However judging by the fact the film nearly gave MacFarlane the lisence to print his own money with the box office returns it held, there’s probably not many people who hate Ted—unless of course you count soccer/trophy wives, religious types or any other type that is synonymous with not having a sense of humor. I actually find it surprising that anyone is capable of not enjoying this film for the fact alone it’s about a talking fucking teddy bear. Who hasn’t wanted a sentient stuff animal that would make Teddy Ruxpin look like a sniveling waste of space in their lifetime? In fact, every night I go to bed praying to the god I don’t believe in that my stuff animals will come to life so I can finally have some friends. Currently I am now praying that I hadn’t mentioned I own stuff animals and showcased how pathetic and lonely I am.  On a high note, I never once referred to Mark Walhberg as Marky Mark in this review...unless you count that last sentence.  Which you probably did.


1 comment:

  1. Watched the other day, lmao, i´m from Uruguay so i did it in spanish (i hate translations from english to spanish, so crappy) and it was like an uncensored version, i can´t wait to see it subtitled.


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