Thursday, January 3, 2013

BloodRayne 2: Deliverance

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

BloodRayne 2: Deliverance – 1 out of 5

Last year I watched and reviewed the first film in this series based on the mildly mediocre action game of the same name. Uwe Boll never one to back away from a video game adaptation that he can rape, shit on and toss out to the public, directed a Direct-to-DVD sequel to the flat, out-right boring BloodRayne film titled BloodRayne 2: Deliverance.

"Yay!!! Acting is fun!"

You would think from the title that the film would follow the sexy half-vampire/half-human hybrid Rayne canoeing down a river in Hicktown while avoiding getting poked in the butt with violent requests to squeal like a pork-based farm animal, however, that is not the case. But at least the movie keeps Uwe Boll’s track record of making something incredibly embarrassing. Rampage was clearly a fluke.

Dignified performances that only Uwe Boll can achieve from his actors.

BloodRayne 2 sees our heroine Rayne (Natassia Malthe) now in the Old West and on the trail of Billy the Kid (Zack Ward)—who, apparently, is a vampire—that keeps a town named Deliverance held hostage with his army of vampires and holding the kids for the sole purpose of being his food supply. Now it’s up to Rayne to team with some unlikely associates, including a member of the believed ended order of Brimstone (an association out to stop vampires), in order to stop Billy’s hold on Deliverance…I guess you can say he’s forcing himself upon the town.

And to think, this guy would go on to be in the only good Uwe Boll movie ever made.

First off, Rayne was replaced with another actress. Kristanna Loken (the female Terminator from what was once was considered the bad Terminator movie until Salvation came out) originally played Rayne in the first film and showed off her boobies as if to say, “Yes, this movie is fucking awful but at least you get a glimpse at my fun stuff.” Apparently, Loken had her career in mind and declined the role for a string of appearances on television and, as you can tell, the decision was a wise one because she is tearing up a storm in Hollywood with starring roles in every major motion picture produced since.

"Grrr...I'm a vampire!  Rawr!"

Deliverance is just like the first film—not in the fact the story is the same but in the fact that it is just as bad (maybe worse due to the lack of Loken boobs) as the original film. The story is boring and the plot is dry and about as motivated as your pot smoking friend who is crashing on your couch and claims he’s going to get up and try to find a job but you swear he hasn’t moved an inch since you’ve returned home from your day at work. Not to mention that the action is almost non-existence and when you do get some action what you get is less interesting than watching two squirrels fight over a nut in the backyard. In fact, a squirrel battle is downright Michael Bay-ian in its action compared to this film.

He's captivated by the squirrel fight.

The only real thing this movie has going over the initial film is that the costumes are far more convincing and at least look like authentic Old West wear. In the first film, the costumes looked cheap and like they were purchased from the bargain aisle at the local Good Will. Seriously, some of the outfits in the first film were dangerously close to being the plastic poncho coverings that is the sad excuse for a child’s costume on Halloween.

Well, he looks like a cowboy...probably half the budget was on that hat.

The most interesting thing about this movie is the fact that Zack Ward—you might remember him as Titus’ brother in the awesome but short-lived sitcom Titus and as the bully in A Christmas Story—reportedly admitted that the only reason he took the part was for a paycheck.  Sure it explains why he looks like he clearly doesn’t give a shit the entire film (except when he was dying but that might have been his final day on the set and he was excited to leave) but I just find it amusing that a Uwe Boll product is so bad that one of his principle actors distanced himself by saying, “Don’t blame me, I just needed to pay the heating bill.”

"Give me a second to check my bank account..."

I’d be lying if I said that I sat down to watch this one expecting brilliance or, at the very least, to be mildly entertained. No, it’s an Uwe Boll film and I was expecting crap and, true to form, he gave it to me. Sadly, it’s such crap that making fun of it to make the film bearable and entertaining felt too much like work. To give you an idea to the extent of crap this movie shovels at you (and not even laughing at you as it does, instead, it just does it with a cold, emotionless mask plastered on its “I’ve given up on life” face) the film ends with this line spoken by the Brimstone agent: “Life is like a penis. When it’s hard you get screwed. When it’s soft you can’t beat it.” Dick similes being used to end the movie is just Boll’s way of saying he just fucked you out of time and money.

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