Friday, January 18, 2013

Amityville 1992: It's About Time

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Amityville 1992: It’s About Time – 2 out of 5

Shit…I think I lost count with what number sequel I am on with the Amityville franchise. Oh yeah, this is number 6. This one, like the last three isn’t a direct sequel like the first two were but rather a story that holds with the idea of “fuck continuity and while you’re at it, fuck the last movie.”

At least this one has a cameo from the house...for about a second.

And Dick Miller is in it...for a second.  This guy took on gremlins
twice.  He could easily take on a haunted cock--I mean CLOCK.
Amityville 1992: It’s About Time is about an architect father named Jacob Sterling (Stephen Macht) who returns home from a business trip near the old Amityville house and brings home a clock that once furnished the place. Almost immediately, the clock does its evil work and bolts itself to the mantle it rests upon and causes a dog to attack Jacob and causes him to be possessed by the demon or ghost or clock or what-the-fuck-ever. While Jacob succumbs to his madness his ex-girlfriend; Andrea (Shawn Weatherly) throws him a bone and…well, bones him one last time before agreeing to stay and take care of him and his kids; Lisa and Rusty (Megan Ward and Damon Martin).

This is Andrea's sex face...not pretty.

But then this is her regular face...

Just kidding, this is her regular face.  Almost just as scary as the last one.

As Jacob becomes further infected by…well, the clock I guess, the…again, the clock…torments Andrea, Rusty and Andrea’s boyfriend while possessing Lisa and making her a sexed up tart out to get her freak on with whatever she can get her hands on—even her brother (the second Amityville sequel that deals with incest). Now Rusty and Andrea have to stop the clock (no pun intended).

Oh no, you can't get out of the movie that easily.

It was really hard to take Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes serious due to the storyline about it dealing with the demon from the house resting in a lamp and trying to kill people—FROM THE HOME OF A FUCKING LAMP!!! This time it’s a clock. Let me repeat that: This movie is about a haunted clock. It’s like the producers involved in this series said, “Hey, you know what’s not scary? Clocks.” Then the other producer said, “Cocks?” “No, clocks,” he says in-between snorts of coke. “Let’s slap together an Amityville sequel and make the ghost inhabit a clock because that’s not scary at all and scary is NOT something we go for with these Amityville movies.” “Can we put the year in the title?” *pushes dead hooker out of window* “Why?” “Here’s why,” the producer says before he grabs his crotch and they both explode into laughter.

Note: That following exchange is 100% real…maybe slightly exaggerated.

But I'm not exaggerating that this look was considered "cool" and "rebellious"
in the early 90s.

That brings me to my next point. For some reason, they decided to add the year the film was released in the title which makes sense because…actually it doesn’t make any sense. When the film was released on DVD in 2005 they digitally put a black box over the “1992” in order to make the film more timeless I guess (once again no pun intended).
I upped the contrast so you could make out the black-out box.  Your life is now complete.

Like all previous Amityville films, this one offers terrible acting and no scares—but how many scares can you successfully put in your movie when your ghost is trapped within a clock? This fact alone makes any attempt to scare the audience an event that could possible belong in the Scary Movie franchise—only it’s capable of actually creating laughs.

I'll just leave this here to prove my point.

It’s the absurd nature of the film that becomes its only saving grace. From beginning to end this movie is just overflowing with stupidity as if it was daring you to make fun of it. And after it’s dared you, it turns around and trips over itself and falls into a table full of whipped cream pies. That’s how ridiculous this “horror” film is and, sadly, is the only thing it has working for it. The film is so unbelievable terrible that it’s in this that it becomes a joy to watch because you can’t believe it was green lit and you can’t believe that some literally said to himself, “this is a horror film.”

That toilet on the curb was the true star of the film.

This movie has a thing for goo.  Probably because it's
about a haunted cock--I mean clock.
Pretty much keeping with the consistency of the other Amityville movies, It’s About Time is very light on the scares (in fact, they’re just non-existent and what passes for scares all seem to be goo-themed) and heavy on the accidental hilarity. Then, to make matters worse is the fact the film ends with a clock pun (I said CLOCK) and, in doing so, offers up a wink and a middle finger to the audience as it yells, “We got your money and time and it was all for that lame joke.”  Then, as the film walks off in the distance, it pumps its fist in the air because it was celebrating another victory as it worked in another time reference as it told you off.

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