Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Top 10 Worst Movies I Reviewed of 2012

2012 is coming to an end…and not in the way people thought the Mayans meant. With 2013 upon us like a predator ready to pounce and possibly murder and/or rape us with the promise of a new year that could either end up serving us well…or another potential murder and/or rape. It’s time to take a look back at the films I reviewed and see what was great, amazingly bad or just plain murder and/or rapingly bad. Here’s the bad…

First up…the Honorary Mentions: the films that are just terrible but not terrible enough to land in the Top 10 but still needed to be mentioned…as a warning for future generations.

Honorary Mentions

What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Granted it’s not bad by normal standards. The film doesn’t do anything particularly wrong (other than the possible fact it’s an adaptation of a glorified self-help book) but the reason it makes the list is the fact it is only entertaining to those who have vaginas and are capable of carrying a baby. That being said, Junior-era Arnold Schwarzenegger loves the film.

"Awww, I can feeling it kicking...and feel this movie sucking everything masculine about me away."

Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County

It’s no secret I hate “found footage” films and it’s no secret I take requests for the blogs. This one was recommended to be by a friend because he told me it was a great scary “found footage” film that was made before “found footage” films became the annoying, cheap standard for the horror genre. The film is a recreation of a “supposed” real-life event of a family being tormented by aliens. Bad acting and a grandmother who has a death grip on a wine glass despite the fact her life is in danger keeps this film from ever achieving anything remotely scary.

"I know we're are in incredible danger but why on earth would I put down my wine?"

Snow White and the Huntsman

This movie had so much potential: A gritty, dark retelling of Snow White that harkens back to the old tale rather than the bubble gum Disney version and Charlize Theron making evil look oh so sexy. A bumbling story and messy plot along with the idea that Kristen Stewart in all her emotionless glory is somehow fairer than Theron makes the film laughable…and that’s not factoring in Stewarts’ inability to act.

It's a rare moment when you don't get the "I smell cat piss" face or "I think I'm going
to vomit" face from Stewart.  Savor it.

The Smurfs

Here’s the adaptation of the beloved comic/cartoon about the little communists 3 apples high in a nutshell: Sofia Vegara’s amazing rack, Neil Patrick Harris continuing to make me wonder why people find him funny and jokes about being blue and replacing words with “smurf” so they sound like censored swear words that cease being funny the first moment they’re used.

Even the 100% computer generated Smurfs are surprised at the shitty quality of their
first live-action movie.


Oliver Stone’s propaganda film about the evils of marijuana and is basically a 2 hour version of the commercial about how if you buy weed from your buddy who really loves Phish you are actually supporting terrorism. Stone filled the movie with an extremely shitty cast (including Blake Lively delivering her lines as UNlively as possible and Taylor Kitsch—Note: not the first film starring him to be on this list) in order to try and hide the predictably bad story. However, Benicio Del Toro delivers a great performance and is the only thing keeping this off the official list…but don’t worry, the rest of the cast tried REALLY hard to destroy all of Del Toro’s work.

"Don't act, don't act, don't act..."

Now…the Top Ten Worst Movies I Reviewed in 2012

#10 – Battleship

What could go wrong with adapting a board game into a movie? Besides the obvious fact it is fucking moronic to build a movie based on a fucking board game. If you read my blog, you know I don’t usually review a movie before it hits DVD because renting a movie is far cheaper than taking out the loan needed to see a movie in a theater. However, I ended up seeing this one at the local cinema (due to narcotics and boredom) and rather than have to suffer the torture a second time and rent it from Redbox, I reviewed it and quickly moved on with my life. A messy story and poor acting is just a few of the reasons why this movie sucks (the biggest reason is the fact it’s based on a FUCKING BOARD GAME!!!) Note: Taylor Kitsch is in it…that might explain something about the poor quality (see Savages). 

I forgot the part in the board game where you battle aliens that look like extras from
a Halo video game.

#9 – Act of Valor

Don’t get me wrong, the action in this movie kicks ass and it fills me with the desire to play Call of Duty BUT casting your characters with real Navy SEALS proves to be the film’s undoing as it becomes painfully obvious that these men are paid to kill bad guys and are NOT actors. This fact is repeated with every passing second of the movie and the producers wanted a way to remind you of this by giving the most amount of lines it could to the one who could act the least. Forcing terrorists to watch this at Gitmo is the worse possible torture imaginable.

These guys' acting was so bad, they weren't even convincing as Navy SEALS--
and they really ARE Navy SEALS!!!

#8 – That’s My Boy

Come on, it wouldn’t be a Year End List about bad movies WITHOUT an Adam Sandler film (and he should feel special because he’s got two on this list--3 if you count one he produced). It’s now to the point I’m convinced that Adam just is out to make shitty movies because he hates the entire world and wants to punch us in the collective dicks to remind us that at one time he was once considered funny.

Also, Vanilla Ice is in this case you needed another reason to NOT see this one.

#7 – Taken 2

Another film I ended up seeing in the theater and knew I could never sit through again. I really, really wanted to like this one because I enjoyed the first one and Liam Neeson is a freaking badass no matter what role he’s in. However, aside from the fact it was a sequel that didn’t actually need to be made, the film suffered thanks to going light on Neeson kicking ass, a slow moving story and hardly any action in sight. I can’t help but think we’re going to get a third film where Neeson fights the producers and tries to locate a decent edit of this movie.

"I don't know who made this piece of shit but I will find you...and I will kill you."

#6 – V/H/S

Shocking, even with its awful track record, this is the only “found footage” film to make the list—that alien one is only on the Honorary Mention and doesn’t qualify, Semantics Jerk. There were some shitty “found footage” movies I reviewed this year (think Chronicle) but this one took the cake and raped it. This disaster of a film is basically an anthology of poorly written excuses to use the “found footage” gimmick that somehow fools the unwashed masses that the door they just saw slightly closed is actually true terror. The only difference between this abysmal outing and Paranormal Activity is the fact that the movie has an overwhelming tone that states, “Every time a man has a camera in his hand, his only desire is to rape women.” This wasn’t so much a horror film as it was a glimpse into the daily lives of a collection of douche bags with some monster and ghouls thrown in.

Even this man's mustache was trying to rape a neckbeard in this awful movie.

And speaking of douche bags…

#5 – Project X

The relatives of the rape-desiring characters of V/H/S star as some young up and coming future date rapist frat boys out to throw a gargantuan party for their high school graduation. Little shits with Jew fros trying to act gansta, rampant drug use and destruction of property and a never-ending montage of disrespecting women is what this movie entails. Ladies, if your boyfriend likes this movie, you might want to consider trading in for a different model. Shit, send some letters to death row for a new mate because they are less of a scumbag than someone who would utter the phrase, “I want to party with those guys!”

I had to constantly buy new TVs while watching this movie because my fist kept flying through
the screen every time these douche bags showed their faces.

#4 – John Carter

One of the biggest box office flops of all time that cost Disney millions and was embarrassing to the point a CEO had to step down (presumably because the wedgies didn’t stop after it was released). John Carter was based on an old Sci-Fi series that inspired some of the greatest films and stories of all time but Disney said, “fuck that noise, get me Taylor Kitsch so this movie sucks major balls.” Pretty much proving that Taylor Kitsch is an ancient relic from the gods out to destroy movies.

"I have been sent by the gods to destroy all that is entertaining in the world of movies!"

#3 – Jack and Jill

You knew this one was going to make the list. I can only imagine this film came about while Adam Sandler was wiping his ass and said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I put on a dress, pretended to be my own sister and did a stupid voice for an hour and a half and fell down repeatedly? That’s comedy right?” Even more heartbreaking, Sandler somehow managed to blackmail Al Pacino into doing the movie.

Shown:  The only two people who found this movie funny.

#2- Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star

Quite possibly the most painful experience (outside the Number 1 film on this list and a Michael Bay Transformers movie) I’ve ever dealt with. There was a time when Nick Swardson was on the road to be a promising comedian—then he got sucked into Adam Sandlers clutches and Swardson decided that he didn’t need to be funny anymore. Eventually he made this one and future scientists will discover that viewing of this film leads to a brand new, very aggressive cancer.

Bucked teeth...apparently that's comedy.

#1 – Big Money Rustlas

Here’s it is, the big one. Not only will this go down as the worst film I watched in 2012, it will also go down as one of the worst films I’ve EVER seen—rivaling my most hated movie of all time; Avatar. This movie only proves one thing for me: The Insane Clown Posse’s fans (Juggalos) have a very poor grasp on what a joke is and that two men trying to be ganstas in clown make-up is more pathetic than originally predicted. However, my review for it did result in a very angry email from a Juggalo.

Eloquently written!

This email could very well be a joke emailed to me and if it is, it’s absolutely brilliant in its satire of Juggalos. If it’s real, I will never stop weeping for society.

Note how the skinny one is not in shot and the face the fat one is making...
draw your own conclusions.

With 2012 closing its doors, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and a sincere thank you to all who read my reviews. I look forward to what horrible movies I will suffer through for 2013!

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