Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Top 10 Awesomely Bad Movies I Reviewed of 2012

Man, I love bad movies! Not bad as in “this movie sucks” but bad as in “wow, this movie sucks but sucks on a level that I can easily make fun of it and amuse myself” (yes, I talk to myself in this exact manner when watching movies). I like those bad movies that you see and instantly picture Mike or Joel, Crow and Tom Servo lampooning the crap out of it on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Movies filled with terrible special effects and acting that’s even worse.

Usually, these movies come in the form of B-horror Direct-to-DVD films but, occasionally, there’s those that don’t deal with monster and blood that can be just as fun to make fun of. For example, The Room…if you’ve never seen the majesty that is Tommy Wiseau’s misguided attempt at making a torrid drama or have been to a midnight showing of it you must—this second—get to one. Find a town, right now, that has it playing at one of their cinemas and is simultaneously midnight there and teleport your ass there to experience all the “Oh hai” glory that is The Room.

2012 wasn’t a very good year for great bad movies as most that held the potential to be one was just so bad that if you were to make fun of it, it would constitute as a hate crime. Due to the severe lack of quality good bad movies, there is no Honorary Mention list and we’ll just get to the heart of the matter…

The Top 10 Awesomely Bad Movies I Reviewed of 2012

#10 – Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

This is actually an older movie and one that I saw as a kid. However, I chose to revisit it for my blog and forgot how ungodly awful the film was. How bad? Like as bad as Kiss’ songs that WEREN’T played on the radio. Kiss, never one to miss an opportunity to put their shitty label on an equally shitty product, signed on to this movie without thinking twice and, from the joke of a final product that was produced, at no point did the film have a script. But you get to see Gene Simmons still pretending he’s some sort of a badass despite the fact there’s no evidence to support this theory other than the fact he’s really tall.

State of the art special effects that make Avatar look like a really shitty movie...basically,
it makes Avatar's special effects look like everything else in Avatar.

#9 – Apocalypse: Caught in the Eye of the Storm

This one came to me thanks to a request from a friend of mine and I will never stop thanking him for it. Apocalypse is a tale of the rapture and is one giant propaganda film about how Jesus is so awesome by showing how simple and stupid human beings can be as every character falls for every little thing that occurs throughout the film and are just bursting at the seams to worship something—anything! One point, I swear I saw someone worshipping an energy drink because it cured them of the sleepies. The production value is what you expect and the acting is just atrocious. However, it was surprising to see that Kirk Cameron was NOT in this film but a truly awful and offensive religious tune condemning mentally challenge people in the film’s soundtrack cements this as a great film to make fun of.

"This just in...this movie makes all those of faith look like mindless sheep who--oh, never mind."

#8 – Miss March

Miss March isn’t funny in the least—well, okay, I’ll admit it made me laugh twice but other than that, it’s just a sad attempt at seeing guys who are barely capable of writing 6 minute sketches write a feature length film. The film is about a guy tracking down his high school sweetheart who grew up and posed in Playboy. As if in a way to spit in the faces of the men who came to see the movie, you NEVER see the high school sweetheart’s goods—SHE NEVER GETS NUDE!!! It’s like they were intentionally fucking with you by not giving you a payoff and torturing you with a slew of unfunny gags and bad acting. However, it’s pretty damn easy to make fun of the guys who fail so utterly at trying to be funny.

"*Gasp* Who thought writing a movie would be so hard?"

#7 – Real Steel

Let’s not pull any punches here, this is Rock ‘em, Sock ‘em Robots: The Movie starring Wolverine. The special effects are cool and the concept of giant robots punching the shit out of people is enough to get a guy who hates sports (me) to actually watch a sport. But at the end of the credits, you can’t help but make fun of this movie because it’s ROCK ‘EM, SOCK ‘EM ROBOTS!!!!

Even robot fighting leagues aren't free from the douche bag attention whores.

#6 – Shark Night

When I first saw the trailer for this one, I half-expected this movie to be a slapstick dark comedy like Piranha 3D but, to my horror, it turns out that this movie was an actually attempt to be a real horror film. The emphasis here must be on “attempt.” The story is just ridiculous as it centers on some morons filling a saltwater-filled lake with sharks for profit purposes (yeah, you heard that correct) but add in some awful acting and very glaring false facts about sharks (mainly which ones are the actually dangerous ones) and you have yourself a great movie to make fun of.

Despite this shot, Shark Night still sucked.

#5 – Humans vs. Zombies

If you’re in need of a bad movie to laugh at all you need to do is find one with zombies in it. Since zombies have become the “it” pop culture icon, everyone and their mother is ready to throw zombies into poorly produced movies and throw them into haphazardly written novels and call it “entertainment.” Humans vs. Zombies is actually an adaptation of a LARPing game that is a glorified version of Freeze Tag and if that wasn’t enough reason to make fun of the movie, the film also contains a lack of zombies for a majority of the film, painfully dim-witted characters and extremely bad acting. The laughs never stop coming at this phoned in attempt at cashing in on the zombie craze.

Just be careful watching this movie.  This girl is NOT a zombie.  That's just a side-effect
from watching Humans vs. Zombies.

#4 – ThanksKilling

You have to hand it to this one because the filmmakers were obviously out to make crap with this one. It opens with a pointlessly topless pilgrim on the run from the evil turkey (played by a porn star and the possible reason why this film was so low budget) and then goes on a formulaic journey of cardboard cutout college kids getting picked off one by one by the B-movie monster who ensures to deliver some of the worst one-liners that have ever existed. This movie is truly awful but awful on such a magical level that it’s a blast to watch with friends and make fun of.

This alone is enough reason to have fun watching ThanksKilling.
That and its awful pun of a title.

#3 – Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

Why Journey to the Center of the Earth got a sequel is one of those mysteries that will never be solved but at least it offered up some entertainment. Despite the fact that Josh Hutcherson is doing his best to use his bad acting to ruin every project he’s in and the hope of all humanity for a better tomorrow, the movie offers up a few genuine laughs from Luis Guzman and The Rock…

However, for the most part, the film is kinda bad. But it’s within the bad parts that the true humor can be found—however, unintentional humor. Also you get to look Vanessa Hudgens rack for an hour and a half and since she’s now legal, that comment is substantially less creepy than it normally would be.

Josh Hutcherson using his mind-powers to make himself an even LESS convincing actor.

#2 – Final Destination 5

Okay, I’ll admit it: The Final Destination franchise is a guilty pleasure for me. The movies are absolutely terrible but it seems the producers know this so they go out of their way to make them super over-the-top terrible and silly that they become something fun to watch. The story is always stupid but we don’t watch these movies for the stories. We watch them for the often lame but always ridiculously hilarious Rube Goldberg device style death sequences the movie subjects us to.

"For the last time, this is NOT a comedy."

#1 – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Yes, I gave this film a good score because it’s one of those rare awesomely bad movies that is just plain too awesome to be like any other great bad movie. Not only is this one of those instances where the sequel is better than the original, this is also the only instance where the entire film—the editing, the music, the story—perfectly matches the outright insanity of the film’s main star; Nicolas Cage. I said it in my review and I’ll say it here: It’s like Nic Cage cut him self open in the editing room and bled all over the film and infected it with what ever runs through his blood. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is one of those films that has to be seen to be believed and is also one of those few awesomely bad movies that doesn’t require the audience to make fun of it…the movie does your job for you.

Nic Cage is so insane, that he refused make-up and actually skinned and burned his own skull.

And there ya have it! The Top 10 Awesomely Bad Movies I Reviewed of 2012. So if you find yourself without someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight, pop in one of these into your DVD player and riff away as you laugh off the loneliness. You can always cry later—it’s what I do!

Have a great New Year, thanks for reading and I look forward to what great bad movies await me for 2013.

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