Thursday, December 13, 2012


***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Savages – 2 out of 5

It’s no secret that Oliver Stone is batshit crazy but if you’ve ever needed more solid evidence, then look no further than Savages. No, not at the movie itself—seriously, unless you’re a fan of bad acting, lazy stories and a plot that is driven nearly entirely by coma-inducing narration DON’T watch this movie. However, take a look at a simple fact about the production to this movie and you’ll see that despite Stone’s claim to have adjusted his life, he’s still as balls deep in the nut-sauce as he’s ever been. Here’s the fact: While Battleship was in production, Stone saw Taylor Kitsch’s performance and said, “I’m going to give him the lead in my movie Savages.” That’s right, he saw Kitsch’s emotionally devoid performance and somehow saw brilliance.

And by performance, I mean he mumbles and looks like he's about to die of boredom all the time.

Del Toro lamenting about why the fuck he's in this movie.
Savages is a modern day version of Reefer Madness that showcases the evils of marijuana. Chon (Taylor Kitsch), Ben (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and O (Blake Lively) are three people involved in the production and distribution of the demon weed in Southern California and, apparently, their shit is on such a “da bomb” level that a high-raking drug lord (Salma Hayek) decides to try and do business with them. In a rare moment of not dancing or begging for handjobs from masseuses, John Travolta plays a DEA agent who tells them to not do business with them but the trio ends up pisses off Selma’s rack and she orders her best henchman Lado (Benicio Del Toro) to kidnap O (apparently, she’s a retired Men in Black agent). Now, Ben and Chon are forced to get the money needed to secure her release and they do that by…stealing the money from the very people they are trapped by the balls with.

Not Pictured:  Selma's two best features.

Other than Selma’s luscious appearance in this film, the only thing—LITERALLY the only thing that works in this movie is Benicio Del Toro…everything else is just awful. In fact, Del Toro’s tremendous acting ability works against the film as it sets the bar too high for the rest of the awful cast and it makes their already lack of talent even more lacking.

How bad is the cast?

Like I mentioned earlier, we have Taylor Kitsch as one of the main characters and how he has a career after giving such Kristen Stewart levels of emotion to such characters as John Carter it can only be assumed he’s really good at giving sexual favors or has compromising photos of a list of producers and directors. Then you have his partner and co-star Aaron Taylor-Johnson and he is no better—which is a shock considering how good he was in Kick-Ass

"Eh, I had my one good role."

Trying to be cute will not hide your inability to act.
Then, as if this underwhelming lack of acting ability wasn’t enough, Stone cried to the heavens for Blake Lively (her name is kind of a misnomer as her talents are quite weak and devoid of any real reaction). Blake’s acting skills are exactly the same as her beauty—and that is she’s bland and does absolutely nothing to stand out. Even worse is the fact her character O narrates the movie (almost painfully unnecessarily so) and if her physical acting isn’t bad enough, her cold-fish, monotone reading is enough to either put a man to sleep or suck out all hope from all that is good in the world.

Fuck, she even makes shopping for a purse look unconvincing and forced and, if all
80s era stand up comics are to be believed, all women are genetically programed to love shopping.

And I won’t get into John Travolta because, in my opinion, he’s only done one good movie in his life and that was Pulp Fiction. Everything else has either been him dancing or fighting the urge to break out and dance—although, that probably would have made Battlefield Earth better. Ha, who am I kidding? Nothing could have made that piece of crap better.

"Why am I NOT DANCING?!?  Either or you two want to jerk me off?"

Then you have the not-so-subtle subtext about the dangers of weed in this movie. We’ve all had our moments where we’ve smoked a little and laughed our asses off at the ridiculous nature that is the old propaganda film Reefer Madness (actually, you don’t really need to be high at all to find that movie funny)—even you, Father (I assumed you’re reading my review because you saw that I’m a Reverend and thought this would be a blog about Jesus films or something). Savages is basically a modern day version of Reefer Madness only it inserts a lot more blood and killing. 

Emile Hirsch is in it too...the circle of shitty actors is complete.

Remember all those commercials that claimed if you bought pot from that white kid with dreadlocks outside the alternative coffee shop downtown that you would be supporting terrorists while you ate junk food and watched cartoons? Basically, this movie is just a long commercial telling you that only people who can readily get their hands on bazookas are controlling the weed.

And the movie also adds this tool...which in of itself is an act of terrorism.

Or how about the bullshit myth that marijuana is habit forming and addicting?  Yeah, Savages has that one covered too as there is a completely needless scene where O asks her captors if she can have some weed because she can’t concentrate because she’s so hopelessly addicted to marijuana and rather than weep herself dehydrated with the fact she is BEING HELD AGAINST HER WILL, she’s worried about the fact she is not having to buy any eye drops.

This one look by Del Toro has more talent then the rest of the cast combined.

The only real saving grace the film had and the only reason I gave it a 2 out of 5 and not a more deserving one is the fact that Benicio Del Toro, despite the shitty script he was handed, acts the fucking shit out of his role. With a story as boring as the one Oliver Stone delivered and a cast that matches the unimaginative plot, I think I could have forgiven Del Toro for phoning this one in.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know, man. You remember Blake was in The Town? She played Jeremy Renner's character's sister Kristina. I thought she did really good there.


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