Monday, December 10, 2012

Blue Demon

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Blue Demon – 2 out of 5

Every since Jaws made the concept of swimming in the ocean a pants-crapping idea, shark movies have become a staple within the horror genre. Never mind the fact that sharks don’t kill as many people as the movies make you believe or that you are more likely to die EATING sharks or even ignoring the fact that you accidentally put a bottom feeding shark in your movie and told the audience it was one of the “most deadly sharks in the world” like Shark Night did, the fact is, sharks look like they were made by pure nightmares after eating a lot of Taco Bell and Red Bulls before going to bed so it’s no real surprise that these movies are still being made…it’s also no surprise that they’ve basically become jokes in of themselves.

Also looking at Jeff Fahey too much can have the same results as Taco Bell and Red Bulls.

Blue Demon is what happens when you have a scriptwriter try to make a comedy while simultaneously stealing their movie’s story from Deep Blue Sea…only Blue Demon has a severe lack of Sam Jackson being eaten by a genetic-roid shark.

Motherfuckin' sharks...

And apparently this is a laboratory.
The story goes the government has a secret weapons manufacture that is creating genetically enhanced sharks that are capable of taking commands in order to patrol our waters from terrorists…next they will teach the sharks to fly in order to protect the air! Our two fearless scientists Marla and Nathan Collins (Dedee Pfeiffer and Randall Batinkoff—don’t worry, I never heard of them either) are hilariously busy juggling their work and their impending divorce…except they forgot to include the hilarious part. Their boss; Lawrence Van Allen (Danny Woodburn) is pushing them to get these sharks right because he’s out to please his boss; General Romora (Jeff Fahey). The General is impressed with the sharks and they are immediately put into use with no hint of anger from the Gods for playing with nature…well, not exactly. Like all movies about genetically bred sharks (more accurately Deep Blue Sea), the sharks escape and are on their way to chomp on some innocent girls in bikinis.

Pictured:  Best part of the movie.

I was expecting brilliance from this movie—ha ha, I’m busting your chops, I was expecting crap that I could make fun of with this one and it gave it to me…in fact, it almost felt like they were intentionally trying to make a bad comedy/horror film that would be easy for viewers to make fun of and laugh harder at their own jokes than the bad ones that fill the movie.

Easy as in this is a reaction shot to a shark eating someone...

Wait a minute...CGI sharks got their own credit?
First off, this movie is literally filled with “What the fuck” moments that make you wonder what illicit drugs were consumed when the writers were copying and pasting the Deep Blue Sea script as it goes from trying to make these sharks a threat to scenes of the two scientist talking about their doomed marriage to a dream sequence to some bad slapstick comedy. Then you have the boss of the government facility being played by famous little person character actor; Danny Woodburn. The film in no way make the idea of having a little person head of the weapons manufacturer a joke in anyway and treated him with the respect that this long working, well known actor is deserved…

And by respect, I mean elf pants.

What the fuck is this?!?  An angel?
Blue Demon is not a bad movie—oops, I meant to say that Blue Demon IS a bad movie. Even trying to ignore that it’s basically a Direct-to-DVD version of Deep Blue Sea with replacing the story element of having genetically bred sharks for cancer research in favor of having them keep our country safe from terrorists (somewhere Toby Keith is jerking off to the idea of writing a song about how these sharks chum the water with red, white and blue)—terrorists like Aqua Bin Laden (again, Toby Keith is jerking off to the idea of writing a song about these sharks killing Aqua Bin laden)—but even trying to ignore these facts, you can’t escape the fact that the film doesn’t know if it wants to be a monster movie (with a ridiculously low body count) or a comedy (the lab assistant character of Avery is enough evidence to show that the concept of comedy is foreign to the screenwriter).

If Portland, Oregon was capable of creating a child, it would be this man called Avery.

Although it was revolutionary of them to make their
sharks suffer from Down Syndrome.
Blue Demon is just awful filmmaking from beginning to end. The script (the non-plagiarized parts) is just a mess of genres, the acting is cheesy (Jeff Fahey’s performance especially) and the special effects are beyond words. In fact, the shark effects look like something that would have came with the software of a “off-the-shelf” video editing suite someone could get from Best Buy—most likely the bargain bin. However, it’s all these atrocious elements working together in bad movie harmony to make a film that is easy to laugh at and riff on. And isn’t that the point of it all?

Apparently they couldn't get their hands on stock footage of the Golden Gate Bridge
so they used their shitty CG techniques to make a shot of the bridge that made the PSOne
throw up.

 Actually no but it makes the movie watchable.

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