Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Day of the Triffids

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Day of the Triffids – 1 out of 5

I would like to make the assumption that in 1962 people were just easier to scare. I would like to say this because how else can you explain that a movie was made about killer planets called triffids (and it was based on a best-selling book—how’s that for scary?). The reality is I can’t legitimately say this and have it make sense because this property was later adopted for two BBC miniseries: One in 1981 and one in 2009! 2009!!!! In this day and age where we need copious amounts of gore and nudity in our horror films, a miniseries was produced about killer planets!

Arghhhh!!!  Wait...seriously?

The Day of the Triffids is about a meteor shower that causes blindness in a majority of the population in the world. While everyone is groping around blinding (because our population conveniently forgot what it’s like to be in the dark), a plant called the triffids uproots itself and decides to devour humans (actually eating of humans is not seen because it was 1962 and that would have caused riots). Well, some people, including a naval officer who had bandages on his eyes during the shower, are saved from the blindness and are the only ones to see the horror that is walking, killing plants. Horror being a relative term here as the plants move at speeds that make old men in walkers look like they are more of the mall walker old people variety—yep, that’s right, you can just casually stroll away from these beasts.

The smile of a man emptying his bowels into his pants...and loving it!

When I heard there was a horror film made in 1962 about killer plants that WEREN’T Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors, I said, “Wow, that’s gotta suck major asshole…I must watch it!” So, I hunted a copy down because, against all odds and spiting in the face of God himself, Netflix doesn’t carry it, and let me tell you this: It’s just as boring as you think it would be.

The plants look like people...oh...those ARE people.

The premise itself is just dumb but you got to hand it to the author for the plot device of making the world blind because, in reality, we as a society would not just skip with a whistle on our lips away from the triffids but some members of our population would run circles around the plants, slapping it’s petals and occasionally kicking it where it’s vegetation balls should be.

This is the most fear you'll get from any of the characters...but that's expected when
your monsters are FUCKING PLANTS!!!

Of course, the author thought of that one too by allowing the triffids to spit poison…but we once again run into the problem with the fact that the elderly make the triffids look slow and decrepit so avoiding some poison spit from a creature that literally needs to be within ten feet (more likely less) of striking distance to hit you, the threat level once again returns to zero. I’ve honestly had bigger anxiety attacks, fear and maybe even a mild heart attack losing my keys.

"Ma'am...can you please stop touching my head."

Okay, so I really wasn’t expecting anything remotely close to true horror from The Day of the Triffids. I was expecting shit and it gave me that…just not enough of it. The reality is, the triffids are barely in the film and don’t really come off as any real threat—even though the blindness of the world’s population suddenly turn people into morons who can’t tie their shoes without causing a nuclear disaster. I actually wanted to see more campy action against the plants but, instead, the movie kinda forgets about them for a while and then, in the last 15 minutes, suddenly remembers the title of the film and brings them back just in time to be killed by the lamest plot device ever placed within a movie—however, later, before M. Night Shayamalan went insane and stopped trying, made this particular plot device work for him in Signs. So, yes, this movie sucks and is barely worth a sit down of intense riffing but the plants make sound effects that sound like smoking a bong so potheads will love that. It’s probably their favorite movie right after Reefer Madness.

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