Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Magic Mike

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Magic Mike – 2 out of 5

Yes…I actually watched Magic Mike.

I know what you’re saying, “Ron, this movie was clearly made for women and gay men. This means that you either are into dudes or have a vagina.” Okay, Sherlock, I won’t begrudge your incredible lack of foresight when it concerns my motives for watching this movie (seriously, you would be terrible at trying to solve a mystery) but the correct reason I watched this is for the sake of this blog. I’d be lying if I stated I wasn’t curious about it (I know you’re thinking it, “he admitted it, he’s bi-curious”) but my curiosity existed more to see if I could write a funny review of the movie and, other than the obvious, what women saw about this movie.

I'm sorry to say this ladies but Tatum occasionally wears clothes in this movie.

I would make a joke about how it's raining men but they
literally were dancing to that song in this scene...it's like the
movie was writing my material for me.
Magic Mike is a comedy drama (with very little comedy) about a young man named Adam (Alex Pettyfer) who meets Mike (Channing Tatum) who is goes by the nickname “Magic Mike” and is, sadly, not a magician but rather a stripper. Magic (or Mr. Mike?) takes Adam under his wing and introduces him to the word of rambunctious ladies losing their shit over swinging shafts of man-meat in brightly colored thongs to the beat of generic dance music. Alex proves he’s too young for the world of “working it” and quickly escapes to the planet of drugs much to the disapproval of Magic Mike (and who wants to disappoint a man called Magic?) and his sister, Brooke (Cody Horn).

Look ladies, another scene where Tatum is wearing clothes.  I think this review may
hurt the DVD sales...ha, like my blog has any sway whatsoever.

I’ll just say it: This movie was made for the ladies and that’s okay. Women have been objectified in the world of cinema for…well…since movies started to get made and why can’t ladies have their turn? The film, despite trying (and failing) to have a coherent story, is really just an excuse to watch Tatum, Matthew McConaughey and, mysteriously, former pro-wrestler Kevin Nash to shake their buns. The movie is just a show of gratuitous butts and packages for women to fan themselves over and change their panties when it's done. It’s no different that pointless titty shots in action and horror films (hell, this movie even works in some boobies for the husbands/boyfriends who were dragged to see this—and those boobies belonged to none other than Olivia Munn—Nerds Rejoice!!!!).

Yes...I repeat...Olivia Munn shows her lady pillows!

Because women want their male strippers to look like
Apple hipster fanboys and homeless model crack addicts
rolled into one.
The reality is there’s actually not much this movie does wrong. The story is decent with the exception it gets kinda sloppy. There’s little payoff with Alex’s story and a romantic angle is created with Tatum’s and Horn’s characters even though the story offers little to no reason other than the fact Tatum is in ridiculous shape for the character of Brooke to fall for (so it’s like real-life in that sense). Not to mention McConaughey’s face has shown that it’s seen some miles and he’s starting to show his age…but how many women were looking at his face when the camera won’t go any higher than the neck? Also, comedian (and I use that term loosely with this man) Gabriel Iglesias plays the DJ at the strip club and proves that having a stupid smiling face on his live performance DVDs is literally the only thing he is good at. (That’s right, I don’t find him funny.)

Congratulations Inglesias...You just won the award for the Douchiest Way to
Wear Your Sunglasses Without Using Them for Their Designed Purpose.

Hopefully Nash doesn't have a Vietnam-style flashback to
his WCW days.
Swinging cocks aside, there is, believe it or not, reason for the dudes to see it. I already mentioned Olivia Munn showing off her girls (in the first 10 minutes of the movie too!) but seeing Kevin Nash give up powerbombs and rolling around with half-naked sweaty dudes to…dancing naked with other naked dudes—I’m not entirely sure if that was an upgrade. Homo-eroticism of pro-wrestling aside, watching Kevin Nash (who actually is only allowed a few lines for good reason) as a stripper is a moment of unintentional hilarity for Magic Mike. Years of abuse in the ring and the fact he’s a freakin’ giant has taken its toll on his body and he can barely move during the dance sequence—even the robot would be too difficult for the man who’s body is, most likely, being held together by screws and pins--so he's practically a robot already. He’s a half second off on every move and is even watching the other actors move like he didn’t make it to rehearsal and just showed up on set and said, “WOLF PACK IN THE HOUSE!!!—I mean, fuck rehearsals, let’s do this!”

Horn looks like she keeps food stuffed in little pouches in her cheek like a hamster.

So, yes, I watched Magic Mike even though I am fully aware who the target audience was for this film. From a filmmaking perspective, this movie (partially based on Tatum’s real-life stripping past) is put together well enough despite the fact it was just glorified eye-candy for the ladies to swoon over. And it was directed by the same guy who directed Traffic (Really? Yes, really, Previous Question.) One thing, though, struck me while I watched this movie and that was the desire to watch it again…with an extremely homophobic person. I just want to see his reaction and listen to his tirade of awful things coming out of his mouth as he begins to question his sexuality and see how the vile spew escaping from his word-hole becomes more and more hateful as he becomes more aroused at the sight of McConaughey in short shorts.

Well this is embarrassing...McConaughey is wearing the same shorts I wear when I
review movies.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Soderbergh and Tatum concurrently knock us out with some highly impressive moves both behind and in front of the camera.
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