Thursday, November 1, 2012

De Lift

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

De Lift – 1 out of 5

There’s many reasons I would like a time machine but none more so than to have the means to travel back to 1983 and laugh at those who came up with the idea of De Lift (for the Americans out there who proudly wear such racist shirts that read “Speak the Language or Get the Fuck Out—ironic considering since those who say this barely have a grasp on the English language to begin with—De Lift means The Lift).

Okay, so this horror film is about an evil…pregnant mothers should stop reading now and if you’re not sitting down, you better do so because you will almost definitely have a heart attack…this movie is about an evil...elevator!!!! I know, I got chills too!
You can almost feel the evil...

De Lift starts out with a drunk, horny and obnoxious duo on a double date in a business building in Amsterdam on a stormy night. After lighting strikes the building, the inebriated and aroused couples hit the elevator so they can go to their hotel rooms and have shameful and disappointing sexual exchanges. However, the elevator stops and the heat starts to increase in the elevator--and not the heat in the ladies' undercarriages...okay, that happens to a degree but then the external degrees start to rise. One of the couples ignores that they are on the verge of passing out and starts to get naked but both couples ultimately succumb to the power of the heat and pass out. After a maintenance man is sent out to fix the problems with the air condition, it’s discovered the elevator is in working condition and everyone goes back to their lives…except the maintenance man, he just can’t let it go.

And this happens at one point too.

A dummy's head gets cut off too.
Things only get worse after the elevator opens up to an empty shaft to allow a blind man to fall to his death (but, in fairness, if you’re blind and not using your can to make sure there’s actually floor ahead of you, you kinda deserve death) and then the elevator decapitates one of the night security guards. The maintenance guy becomes obsessed with finding out what is wrong and a reporter joins him in his crusade. He becomes so committed to getting to the bottom of this (that was not an elevator pun) that his wife leaves him but, I guess it pays off because he soon learns that the processors of the elevator are of an organic, state-of-the-art design…state-of-the-art in MURDER!!!

"Fuck canes."

The whole concept of this film is just hysterical and no matter what the film throws at you—even if it was written by the best writers the world has to offer—there’s no way this movie can come off as anything BUT silly. There’s no way you can take this one seriously…especially when you see how obsessed all the characters are with having a working elevator. There’s even a line uttered by a janitor that complained about having to use the stairs for an hour after some work was done on the lift. Honestly, this movie should have been made NOW (please ignore the fact that an English spoken remake was done in 2001 called Down—there ya go, racist T-shirt wearer, your English version is out there) but if the movie was made in this day and age and our obsession with everything being easy, everything being handed/fed/given to us and our hatred of anything that could possibly resemble exercise, the concept of people irrationally hating the idea of having to use the stairs would make sense. I’m already seeing a scene with the 400 lbs. man on his Rascal complaining to management in an out-of-breath tirade in between bites of the Baconator about how this is America and God never intended us to use the Devil’s stairs!

This movie also made history by showing the most unattractive and least rousing
kissing to ever exist.

I’ll be honest though, I didn’t watch this movie expecting a horror response. I watched it so I could make fun of it and laugh my ass off at the sheer ridiculous nature of it all. I mean, come on! A killer elevator? Then again, people actually accepted the terrible premise of a gypsy cursing someone for being denied a mortgage extension in Sam Raimi’s awful Drag Me to Hell. So, I guess when we have films like that one on the Best Buy bargain bin and such films as The Gingerdead Man or 90% of Stephen King’s horror shorts that include one about a killer washing machine; having a demonic, psychopathic elevator isn’t that much more of a stretch.

"This gun will stop the lift!"

De Lift is one of those movies that you can’t believe was thought of and is even harder to believe was actually made—the same feeling hit me when I watched Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (another great unintentionally funny horror film). However, once the blind man pulls a Wiley E. Coyote into the elevator shaft, you soon realize that, as a viewer, your services of providing hilarious comments is no longer needed as the movie is openly making fun of itself and you can just sit back and laugh at the absurdity of it all.


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