Thursday, October 18, 2012

That's My Boy

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

That’s My Boy – 1 out of 5

This movie is great! Ha ha…I’m fucking with you because this is, without a doubt, the worst Adam Sandler movie--to date!  But don’t worry, he’ll release his yearly travesty of a film in 2013 and it will manage to outdo this immense piece of crap.

The determined look of a man out to make the worst films of all time.

Okay, even though this movie sucks, I would totally nail
this teacher if I was a student.
That’s My Boy is about a young high school kid named Donny (Adam Sandler) who engages in a sexual relationship with his teacher (played by the incredibly beautiful Eva Amurri Martino) and ends up getting pregnant--the teacher, not Donny.  The State finds out about the relationship and puts the teacher in jail while Donny becomes a celebrity.  Time goes by and Donny’s fame fades and he finds himself estranged from his son and in need of money to pay the IRS or he’ll see jail time.  He seeks out his boy, Todd (Andy Samberg), who’s managed to get his life in order and put his traumatic past behind and is about to get promoted at his high paying job and get married to the beautiful, almost perfect woman; Jamie (Leighton Meester).  Todd’s world gets thrown into a loop as he’s tried to keep his past a secret and Donny is about to destroy his future.

You have to hand it to Adam Sandler, the man has a magical talent to make a yearly awful film that surpasses the definition of a bad film year after year.  Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse than Jack and Jill, Sandler stepped forth and, in one of his 3 stupid voices he uses in all of his movies, said, “Oh yeah, I can do worse!”

Like all his movies, That’s My Boy is based on a single joke that wasn’t funny to begin with and what follows is a barrage of jokes that try to offend but what’s truly offensive is the fact the movie was made at all.  Many critics said this film was an all out assault on a person’s decency with its jokes about rape and incest and its overall themes of misogyny but, honestly, I wasn’t offended by the jokes.  But that has to do with the fact I’m a stand up comic and love bad taste humor.  The problem with the jokes and gags placed within the running time of That’s My Boy is the fact that none of these aspects constitutes a joke.  They’re just regurgitated nonsense thrown on the screen in an attempt to try and convince you that what you just saw was a joke but, in reality, were just scrapings from the bottom of the barrel and all the actors involved overact the SHIT out of every scene to try and force this already unfunny non-existent joke but, I guess, pre-teen boys may find it funny however even the lowliest of the Dane Cook fan club would find the sub-par jokes thrown at you insulting to the definition of a joke. Then again, Vanilla Ice stars in this movie and he raved that this is the funny movie ever made so, right away, you know this movie is going to suck when the guy who rapped with the Ninja Turtles says it’s funny.

Is Ice trying to further embarrass his already embarrassing career?
If he is, he's succeeding.

Poor, poor Andy...
I actually found myself feeling sorry for Andy Samberg being a part of this project because not only does he look like he doesn’t want to be there for 90% of the film but because he’s been caught by the talent vampire that is Adam Sandler.  A good friend of mine once stated that Sandler is a black hole of comedy--A collapsed star that pulls in young talent and sucks them of their lives and robbing them of once promising careers.  Nick Swardson was once a rising comedian/actor who gave it all up to be Sandler’s whipping boy who only now gets obnoxious roles in Sandler films.  Kevin James was once rocking the mic and rocking the sitcom world with The King of Queens and it seemed he could have easily transferred his talents to the film world…until he met Adam Sandler.  Now all you see him in is awful Sandler produced movies that are just an embarrassment.  Sandberg seemed to be on his way to something with SNL and Lonely Island Boys but we can kiss all that goodbye now that he’s succumbed to the Sandler Black Hole.

Hey look, it's Nick Swardson doing what he does best...not being funny in an
Adam Sandler movie.

Why are you in this movie, Susan?  Oh well, you're hot,
I'll forgive you.
The only aspect of the film I walked away from that I mildly enjoyed was the fact that Eva Amurri Martino’s mother; the equally lovely Susan Surandon, plays the older, present day role of the boy raping teacher.  Also, the only moment I almost chuckled was from a single instance with Will Forte, who plays Todd’s coworker Phil.  However, for these two aspects, you still have to deal with Sandler killing every scene he’s in with his awful, desperate for attention performance, rapid fire bad jokes, the embarrassing fact that Tony Orlando is in this and the fact that, despite absolutely no reason within the film’s story or plot, people like and think the world of the completely unlikeable character of Donny--occasionally like him, I should say as one moment they love him and the next second (in the same scene) find him an annoyance before, with no logical reason delivered from either the character or the story in general, love him in the next frame.

Hey Orlando, remember when you used to be a respected singer?

It’s the big rage in movies and television shows to have complete assholes for your main characters lately--think Kenny “Fucking” Powers and House.  Well, Donny is one of these complete asshole characters.  He literally has no redeeming factors.  He treats women like objects but on the surface acts like he respects them (aka typical douche bag demeanor), he’s homophobic, selfish and annoying.  Sometimes characters with these aspects can be entertaining to watch and you end up loving to hate them before finding them endearing in their own demented way.  These characters are often hated upon by other characters within their own respective stories and have only one or two true friends who care about them despite the fact they are a complete scum of a human beings. sThat’s what makes them likeable--the fact that despite being a total wash of a human being, there is someone who cares about them nonetheless.  That isn’t the case with Donny.  Despite having all these selfish attributes, people like Donny anyway.  The only one embarrassed by his retched behavior is his son; Todd.  Everyone falls for Donny’s charm (more accurately, lack their off) despite there is literally no reason WHY.  For example, Donny shows up at a rich man’s party and starts with the F-bombs flying, breaking out “Whazzupp’s,” drinking like a fish and making passes at women using bad breast puns and suddenly he’s the life of the party and everyone loves him.  Am I really suppose to believe this?  Kenny “Fucking” Powers would make it believable but Sandler with a bad Boston accent doing this is just another moment for me to slap my forehead into my palm. 

I should send a check to Will Forte for almost making me laugh in this one.

From beginning to end, this movie is just an embarrassment to sit through.  The story is weak (but building a almost two hour film--yeah, almost two hours--on a joke that isn’t funny to begin with is Sandler’s MO), the acting is overbearing as all involved are overdoing it to try and convince you that the unfunny crap you’re seeing is funny (the Dane Cook mentality: the louder you say the unfunny bit, the funnier it might be), the jokes are just soul-crushing bad (and I don’t even believe in a soul but this movie created one in me and destroyed it in the first 5 minutes) and no amount of killer classic rock songs added to the soundtrack can cover up the abomination that is this film.  Honestly, if you sit through That’s My Boy, it’s very possible that you could either become sterile or give up entirely on humanity.  Within the opening sequences, it will suck all joy and happiness you could attain from life and it begins to take years off your life as each passing minute goes by.  If Jack and Jill wasn’t enough to teach us, this movie is, without a doubt, enough evidence to prove that someone needs to step in and take away all of Adam Sandler’s rights to make and star in movies.  For the sake of all humanity, we need to put him in a rocket and fire it into the sun because, mark my words, he shall bring about Armageddon.

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