Tuesday, September 18, 2012


***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

BloodRayne - 1 out of 5

Video game adaptations have a 99% success rate...success at sucking.  And with Uwe Boll as the director, that rate of sucking hits 100%--it's a sure bet the movie will be awful but, in the process, be fun to watch.

The look of a man who just realized he's in a Uwe Boll video game adaptation.

I'm not going to sit here and say I as a fan of the BloodRayne video games because I wasn't.  I played them and sure the second one was okay but did these games deserve movie treatments, especially since they barely registered as a franchise in the gaming world?  No, but they were made and I finally sat down to watch the first one.

Yeah...this is in it for some reason.

Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a half-vampire/half-human rape spawn of the evil vampire Kagan (Ben Kingsley) who is building an army of vamps and some sell-out humans in order to pull a Bender and kill all humans--what a shitty severance package for the humans in Kagan's army!  Rayne teams with the vamp killing secret organization; The Brimstone Society, in order to stop him and finally understand her past and her place in the world as a mutt.

Remember...Kingsley once played Gandhi.

Going into this one, you are assured one thing...it'll be laughably bad because Uwe Boll, the Crown Prince of Laughably Bad Movies, is at the helm--however, shockingly, the man actually did make a good movie once (Rampage...seriously, check it out, it's amazing.)

Like a bat out of hell or a man who spent up his Fight Club money, Meat Loaf
is in this one.

Everything about this movie doesn't work.  The sets are cheesy, the costumes are cheap and look like they were purchased at a local Wal-mart on a clearance rack and every single actor is completely miscast.  No one is right for their roles.  Ben Kingsley looks like he's doing it for the paycheck, Kristanna Loken looks like she still doesn't understand what acting is and Michael Madsen (as the Brimstone agent; Vladimir) looks like he wandered onto the set in his own costume and is slightly drunk and/or operating on little sleep.  Also, Michelle Rodriguez is here playing the part she was typecast to play...only an overly independent latina gansta doesn't look right in a film that takes place in the 18th century.

Believe it or not, I know this man's nieces.  I even tried to date one of them.
I failed of course...

BloodRayne is awful.  The story is silly and bland (at the same time), the overall appearance looks like a Direct-to-DVD film (amusing since its two sequels went directly to DVD) and the action scenes are works of accidental comedic brilliance.  All the swords are blunt (and obviously so) and they look like they're made of plastic on the verge of snapping.  Watching the "stuntmen" (or grips that Boll most likely informed were now stuntmen) awkwardly handle these "weapons" and even wince as they sluggishly collide during the fight sequences instantly made this an enjoyable film to watch...albeit for the wrong reasons.  Who cares that Kristanna Loken shows off her boobies in a completely needless sex scene, the bad fight scenes make this movie!

Rodriguez aiming for the stars by playing the same character she plays in

I didn't expect a good movie when I watched BloodRayne.  I expected a crappy movie that was so poorly written, poorly acted and poorly made that it would make me laugh and you know what?  It gave me that in spades!!!

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