Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Jack and Jill

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Jack and Jill - 1 out of 5

Some questions--the most important questions of all time.  Something man needs to find answers to immediately...Where is Adam Sandler getting the money to make these awful films, who is greenlighting them and why the HELL are they still being made?!?

Sandler:  "So the movie is me being a pair of twins."
Movie Executive:  "What kind of jokes can we expect?"
Sandler:  "What are jokes?"

Aneurysms are a common side-effect for those who have
Jack and Jill.

Adam Sandler had some early success with Saturday Night Live, Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore but did he really make that much money to pollute the world of cinema with these unholy creations?  I can't believe--nay, I refuse to believe--that there are Hollywood executives and financiers in this world who are willing to flush their money down the toilet or burn their hard earned cash for Sandler's phoned-in, one-joke movies that are tortuously unfunny.

The look of a man who's once promising stand-up career is sucked away
by teaming up with Adam Sandler.

Jack and Jill is the latest of Sandler's travesties unleashed on the unsuspecting world.  Like all his latest work, it's centered around a single joke that isn't even funny to begin with and then is delivered to us in a way that one could easily make the argument that a script was never actually made as all the jokes placed within the running time are so awful and impossibly NOT funny that bringing in jokes that are described as "bottom of the barrel" would only be an improvement.

Why Norm, why?

Jared...who gives a shit about Jared?  I didn't care about
him when he was actually relevant.
Here's the story:  Adam Sandler plays a pair of twins.  That's it...that is all that is going on in the film.  Oh sure there is some more storytelling elements about Jack being advertising executive and he tries to lure in Al Pacino to do a commercial and, mysteriously, Pacino is in love with Jill but other than this, there is nothing deeper going on in this movie other than an excuse for Sandler to put a wig on and do his annoying girl voice.  This movie is so painfully bad that I had to pause it, step away from my TV, hide all things sharp to prevent me from killing myself and have a long internal debate about how it would actually be better to sit through Transformers:  Dark of the Moon again.  Then, to make matters worse, as if having the character of Jill fall down in a vain attempt at trying to fool its audience that doing so somehow constitutes a joke (way to make your audience look dumb, Jack and Jill) the movie wants to remind you every ten minutes that the film is awful as...sigh, I kid not...15 minute of famers Jared from the Subway ads, the Shamwow guy and Billy Blanks of Tae Bo fame make appearances.  If Billy Mays wasn't dead, I'm sure he would have been in on this, too.

I guess punching that hooker is no longer the low point of your career, Shamwow guy.

I hope they paid you well for this one, Pacino.
Al Pacino, being the constant professional he is, gives it his all for this performance...playing himself...but he's trying despite the unbridled shitstorm that he is surrounded by.  In fact, his performance is so typical of the man that he actually makes everything around him look worse because he's so good.  Besides Pacino, the only other thing I enjoyed about the movie is the Chinese food I ate for lunch while watching it.

Even Johnny Depp is confused on how he got into this film.

The evils that Sandler keeps releasing into the world needs to end.  Movies contrived on a single joke that doesn't work to begin with shouldn't be made to begin with.  Not every idea that pops in Sandler's head needs to become a film.  Jack and Jill needs to be the last straw, the final nail in the coffin, the last slice of pizza and the last stop for us, the collected movie going public, to finally say, "Stop, Adam.  Stop making movies because it's clear you don't know what you're doing anymore."

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