Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Top 10 Worst Movies I Reviewed in 2011

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Top Ten Worst Movies I Reviewed in 2011

So, 2011 is coming to a close and 2012 is creeping up behind us ready to either pants us or goose our bottoms.  Either way, I hate to break it to you, there is no Mayan prophecy and the world's not coming to an end.  The closest thing you'll get to an apocalypse in 2012 is actually watching the movie 2012.  Believe it or not, that didn't make the list (and the only reason is I didn't have my blog when I watched it).

I watched a lot of television shows and movies on DVD over the course of 2011 and I reviewed all of them.  I watched old films I never saw before and  I watched classic films I haven't seen in years and compared how they stood up to the test of time.  I watched freshly out on DVD picks and I watched obscure movies I only discovered because I was surfing the web or checking out the vast library of films Netflix has.  Not everything I watched in 2011 was bad--in fact, I had a hard time finding 10 films to focus on because, to me, there are very degrees of bad.

Not everything I watched in 2011 was horrible, I must emphasize that.  I watched films that made me consider running away from my DVD player and vomit because they were awful but I've watched bad movies that had the potential to be good but never got the potential off the ground (usually those are given a 2 out of 5).  I watched some movies that are neither great or terrible and do a decent job of being middle of the road entertainment (3 out of 5).  And, of course, you have the really great (4 out of 5) and the epically great (5 out of 5) movies I've watched.  In fact, 2011 was a good year.  I got to see some really amazing and clever movies like The Good, the Bad, the Weird and Rubber.  I watched some truly creepy and unsettling works like Buried and I got to see some side-splitting comedies like Bridesmaids.  And most importantly for a nerd like me, I got to see Star Wars on glorious high definition as it was released on Blu-Ray.  I watched so many good movies and shows in 2011, a "Best of" would take too long to make and you'd be bored before I even hit the double digits.

I'm a big fan of bad movie for a lot of reasons.  Bad movies are more entertaining to review and the jokes come easier to write for them but more often than not, a really great bad movie--one with a ridiculous story, horrible acting and all around bad filmmaking--can be a great source of entertainment.  You find yourself laughing at something, I'm pretty sure, the director didn't want you to laugh at but when it comes down to it, you got some semblance of entertainment from it and, in the end, you win. However, I'm not focusing on the good bad movies, I'm talking about the bad bad movies (with the small exception of #10).  The ones that are so terrible that it becomes physically painful to sit through the entire run of the movie.

Let's get started...

Honorable Mention:  Most Disturbing Movie I've Seen in 2011...and possibly ever:  A Serbian Film


That is the same face I made after sitting
through A Serbian Film.
A Serbian Film became one of the most difficult films I ever sat through and it was even more difficult to review.  The movie is about an out of work porn star who gets an offer to be in...well, it's called an "art film" but he suddenly finds himself in a perverted world of pain, death and bizarre and horrifying sex (I won't even go into the details but at one point a man is killed with the use of an erect penis).  Not only was the subject material hard to handle but the movie was incredibly well made.  The camera work, editing, lighting and even the acting was amazing.  From all technical standpoints, the movie was incredibly solid.  The only problem, the nightmare inducing story.




#10:  Birdemic:  Shock and Terror

That's some Shock and Terror right there!
I said I was going to focus on only the truly terrible but Birdemic had to top the list because it's one of those great bad movies.  The film is about birds going nuts and killing people (something Hitchcock did better) and throughout the movie, several people make the claim as to why the events are taking place (and they all have to do with the damage done to the environment).  What makes this movie great is the fact it is as low budge as low budget gets.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the director was asking for cash from the actors to help finance the film.  The acting is truly awful and on such a scale that it needs to been seen to be believed and the special effects...well, let's just say I've seen better graphics on an NES game.  If you can make it through the ear-bleeding sound and dragging story, you'll actually get some laughs from it.





#9:  I'm Still Here 


Worst Zach Galifianakis movie ever.
What do you get when a once promising actor tries to do a Andy Kaufman-like prank?  You get a boring mockumentary that never should have been made.  In 2008, Joaquin Phoenix tried to pull the wool over our eyes and claim that he was quitting acting to become an rapper.  He grew a big bushy beard (which is required if you want to be a rapper) and hit the world with Ben Affleck's little brother filming it all the way.  The biggest problem is this:  No one bought the act.  Phoenix is a great actor but every man has their limits and Joaquin's proved to be able to sell this shit as real.  The resulting "documentary" that watched his fall ended up being a cobbled together piece of work that was, supposedly, showing the downward spiral of Joaquin Phoenix.  However, other than no one believing the act to be true, the film's biggest drawback is the fact it is painfully boring.  The end result is that Phoenix ruined his career with this venture and Casey Affleck nearly went bankrupt making it.  I'm Still Here proves that I actually don't want Joaquin to still be here anymore.  I very much want him to go away.



#8:  Tekken

An outfit that exposes cleavage and your midriff
apparently makes you a better fighter.
We all know that 99% of all movies based on video games suck but when I sat down to watch Tekken (which didn't get national release, by the way and was direct-to-DVD) I actually wanted a really great bad movie that would make me laugh like other films based on fighting games--for example, Mortal Kombat:  Annihilation and DOA:  Dead or Alive.  Those movies are so truly awful, that they are hilarious and fun to watch.  Tekken, on the other hand, looked like it was going to be cheesy and something Uwe Boll would have directed (I'm still surprised he didn't.  I thought he cornered the market on video game movies) but instead, it's just boring.  Occasionally, the movie teases you with what could be ridiculous moments that will make you laugh but they're so brief and immediately goes back to its dragging boring story.  I think a Fatality is deserved for this one.



#7:  Trespass

Cage is asking, politely, "How did it get burned?"
If Nicolas Cage is in a movie, you're guaranteed to see something amazing...and by amazing, I mean watching Nic Cage overact the HELL out of every scene.  Occasionally, Cage does an entertaining film but his career is filled with more of his unique intensity than anything else and Trespass is just something else all together.  The film was only in theaters for a month, made about 24,000 dollars (and it had a budget of 35 million) and was released on DVD 18 days later--that's right 18 freaking days after being in the theaters, it's on DVD.  Believe it or not, that's actually a record.  The film is about a home invasion where some bad dudes want to collect Nic Cage's cash.  While the film was being made, Cage decided he no longer wanted to be the invaded and wanted to be the invader and left the set until he got to have the role of the bad guy.  Things ultimately worked out and he returned to the role of the victim but would a role switch save this movie?  No.  Nothing could have saved this boring film.



#6:  Machete

Old Bobby Di Niro was in this one and, in his hand,
is the remnants of his once respectable career.
When this movie hit theaters, I chose to see Piranha 3D while all my friends went to see this one.  I had a great time with the tongue and cheek Piranha as it unapologetic-ally delivered laughs, boobs and blood.  My friends told me that Machete was the same way but, since I think Robert Rodriguez is one of the worst film makers to ever exist (he's right up there with Michael Bay, in my opinion) I waited for it to arrive on DVD.  What I watched only proved that making a feature length film out of a joke trailer wasn't a good idea and proved my theory that Rodriguez is incapable of making a quality film without Quentin Tarantino there to show him how to do it.  The story is messy and to make it more unbearable, Rodriguez gives us both Michelle Rodriguez and Lindsay Lohan in the cast.  When it was over, I found myself once again diving for my DVD copy of Desperado--the one and only time Rodriguez may a great film all by himself.



#5:  Super 8

What you are seeing is the only second of footage that
DOESN'T contain lens flare in Super 8.
Here's Super 8 in a nutshell:  J.J. Abrams rips off every Steven Spielberg movie ever made and puts in a lot of lens flare.  There, that's it.  I guess Abrams ripping off Spielberg is made okay in the fact he got the man to produce the movie or maybe Spielberg doesn't recognize his own movies anymore.  After watching Super 8, I don't understand why the critics and audiences loved it.




#4:  Apollo 18

Did I mention that, apparently, they had high definition
cameras back in 1974.  Seriously, that picture is clear!
At the time of writing this, I only just recently watched Apollo 18 and going into it, my hopes were hovering in the negative numbers.  The film is one of those "found footage" movies and we all know those are just gimmicks to get that easy Paranormal Activity cash.  The film gives the reason why we never went back to the moon.  The reason:  What the hell else would it be?  Aliens.  The movie is sold on the fact that, after the doomed mission, the footage was collected and put out there by a website out to seek the truth.  However, the film glances over the biggest plothole to ever be in a film:  If we never went back to the moon, how exactly did we get the footage of a doomed moon mission that is still on the moon?



#3:  Paranormal Activity 2 and 3

This is about as scary as it gets in Paranormal Activity 2.
More "found footage" films hoping to get some of that sweet, ill-gotten Paranormal Activity cash...Paranormal Activity 2 and 3.  The old Hollywood adage:  If a film makes money at the box office, no matter how bad the movie is, make sequels until it stops making money.  The first film nearly put me into a coma as I had to watch two of the most unlikeable characters to ever exist document a haunting in their home.  Death felt like a sweet release as I had to sit through static images of the couple's bedroom, endure them discussing videotaping themselves having sex and watching the laziest ghost to ever exist as he did such horrors as...move a door two inches.  For some reason I will never understand, people found this movie frightening and I actually found myself watching the movie again in case I somehow watched the wrong film--but I didn't because it was still sleep inducing boring.  Now what are the sequels about?  Well, the exact same shit.  A ghost is haunting people and they film it.  You get more snoring static shots and even larger lack of scares.  Each of these movies are so bad on their own that I was considering giving each their own number but these sequels have caused enough torture with their very existence that I couldn't rob other bad movies of their time on this blog entry.  In the end, the worst part about this sequels is the fact they are planning 4 and 5...I think this horse was beaten dead long before the first one was released.





#2:  Skyline

This will happen to you if you watch Skyline.
The movie is so bad it literally sucks the life out of you.
Hollywood loves alien invasion films and sometimes they can be pretty fun...and sometimes, you get Skyline.  It's clear from the get-go that all the budget was placed in the special effects and no money was left over for the cast as we get Turk from Scrubs and Batista from Dexter as some of our main players.  But what makes this film truly humorous (and a little sad) is the fact that it takes itself too seriously and when your hero is an Ed Hardy-wearing douche bag, how serious can your movie be?  But what do you expect from a movie made by a pair of directors who gave us AVPR:  Alien vs. Predator:  Requiem and a slew of Nickelback videos.



And here we are folks...the worst film of 2011 and it should come as no surprise...

#1:  Transformers:  Dark of the Moon

Even Shia's silence has a stutter.
Words nearly failed me when it came to describe the brutal rape that Michael Bay has placed upon my childhood with the live-action Transformers films.  While the special effects are cool and we get to hear the original Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) reprise his role, the bad overwhelms the good--and when I say overwhelms, I mean beat the living shit out of the good.  You have to deal with viciously uncomfortable comedy sequences, Shia LaBeouf stammering his way through every one of his lines, dragging stories, bad action and, even worse, offensive and racist robots in the 2nd one.  But the third one, at least from the trailer, looked like it could have learned its lesson and decided to give us balls out action (and not robo-balls like we saw in Number 2).  Oh there was action but all the usual discomfort and horror that we experienced in the last two was still there.  The combined destruction these three films have bestowed upon my childhood is enough to make a man drop to his knees and cry to the heavens, "WHY?!?!"



So, there you have it.  My list of the worst films I viewed and REviewed during the course of 2011.  I can't wait to see what horrible films are in-store for me in 2012.  Happy New Year, everyone!

2 comments:

  1. I've not seen most of these movies - and now I'm glad that's the case. I did, unfortunately, see Skyline - and I have to say it was by far the worst big budget film I saw all year. For the life of me I never could find a storyline or plot anywhere in the film. In fact, I think projects this horribly bad shouldn't even be called films - they should be called movies. Let's reserve the word "film" for those projects that deserve at least a spoonful of respect.
    Also, I have bad news for you, my friend... they've planned another three Transformer movies. (Not kidding.) On the plus side, we'll get to read your scathing reviews of them!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I read about the new Transformers movies planned. With everyone, a part of my childhood withers and dies.

    ReplyDelete

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