Monday, February 14, 2011

Super Mario Bros.

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Super Mario Bros. - 1 out of 5

You know there is something wrong with your video game adaptation when Nintendo, the purveyor of this media defining game, disowns it. It only gets worse when your star states it was the "worst film he ever filmed." Could the level of suck from this movie get deeper? Sure it does when you find out it took four directors to make this movie. In fact, Super Mario Bros. is a lesson in how NOT to make a movie, let alone a cherished video game property.

Let's face it, most (if not all) video game properties turned into films suck. They never stay true to the source material and they always seem like they are actually out to ruin whatever it is they are making. It sure felt that way in this case as they took the plumper brothers and put them in what a Hollywood exec would think is a Cyber Punk world and decides to make one of the Italian bros a Colombian. In fact, the filmmakers screwed this film up so badly that, as a viewer, you have to wonder if they ever popped the cartridge into the NES and even played through Level 1-1 on the video game because it sure seems like they didn't.

Everything about this movie is weak. The only thing worse than the story is the incredibly bad acting but the bad acting shouldn't be surprising because you have some decent actors (and some not so) only doing this movie for a paycheck. John Leguizamo and Bob Hoskins play the mighty turtle squashing brothers and each man has, at least once in the past, proven they can act but they just decided that they wouldn't in this film. Things get even sadder as Dennis Hopper (rest in peace) portrays the antagonist--the Mighty King Koopa...who apparently has evolved like a Pokemon. He's no longer a giant turtle/dragon monster but a regular dude with a terrible haircut. (That's right Creationists, evolution plays a part in the storyline. Thank me, I just gave you a reason to hate this movie without you watching it.)

And who's backing up the mega Koopa, you ask? Because a true bad guy never does his own dirty work. Why you have Fisher Stevens in all his generic bad acting glory and Richard Edison. Yes, nearly every scene these two are in their generic bumbling antics is enough to make you want to stick a fork in your ear. But I can't stop bitchin' about the acting because it keeps getting worse as Lance Henriksen--Bishop himself--has a cameo and is in the movie for exactly 6 seconds. And finally, you have poor Dan Castellaneta (the voice of Homer Simpson) who portrayed the film's narrator and the filmmakers didn't even have the decency to spell his name correctly in the credits.

Yes, Super Mario Bros. is a black eye not only in the world of video game adaptations but in all of the world of film. The movie only has a single redeeming factor and that is the fact it is so cosmically bad that it becomes one of the funniest films you'll ever see. I mean, this is the first time I've seen it since it was released on VHS over a decade ago and I thought it was bad then but now, my love for bad cinema has found me putting this piece of garbage better left forgotten into my heart as it will now give me years of enjoyment with my friends as we'll park our backsides onto a couch and laugh the night away at this attempt at a movie. And to make the night even better, maybe add some mind-altering substances to make it even more enjoyable.

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