Sunday, January 30, 2011

Suicide Girls Must Die!

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Suicide Girls Must Die! - 1 out of 5

What happens when you take some marginally famous internet girls and let them rip off the movie April Fool's Day? Why you get Suicide Girls Must Die!, that's what you get. Honestly, me giving this a 1 out of 5 is being generous but I don't allow scores of zero on my rating meter.

First off, let me get something off my chest about the Suicide Girls. They sit on their throne of faux-punk clothes and pseudo-hipster mentalities screaming that they are "breaking the rules" and "pushing the boundaries" of what society claims to be sexy. Alright, let me tell you this, girls: You are not. As much as you claim you are a breeding ground of non-conformity, you are exactly that: A large group of conformists. You all dress, act, walk and talk the same. You all are dressed in hip-hugging jeans with studded belts, low cut tank tops and some sort of designer hoodie with skulls or some Ed Hardy design on them. You all do your makeup the same and dye your hair before spending hours on it to make it look like you are NOT trying to style it. You say that your models are different than any other girl who flashes her tits on the internet but the reality is, the only difference between you and them is the fact you have tattoos and piercings. All the suicide girls are still skinny and all have perfect skin and complexion. Stop acting like those desperate high school girls who think they're unique (and they never are) and just be honest with us. You are a bunch of chicks who understand that if you flash some skin, you can use your womanly ways to make money.

Okay, that being said, let's get to my review of what is possibly the most painful movie I've ever sat through. This movie is so bad, the thought of taking my own life was actually preferable than getting up and taking the DVD out of my player. That's right, the Suicide Girls actually made me want to commit suicide. I don't know if it was the terrible acting or the fact the movie is a complete rip off (seriously, see April Fool's Day, it's a great movie and much better than this piece of shit) but this film has ABSOLUTELY NO REDEEMING QUALITIES. None. Zero. Nada. Whenever I watch a movie, I try to find something good in it but there was nothing.

The acting is an atrocity, the film is sloppily put together and the execution of the story is haphazard at best. The film follows a group of the SG girls as they travel out to Maine to do a calendar shoot, all the while filming it like it's a reality show. The whole time the film is trying to tell a story (and failing miserably at) there are inter-cut montage sequences of the girls getting their pictures taken with horrible music playing over it. These scenes do NOTHING but pan out the film and stretch it to an hour and a half (and that time already feels like an eternity to spend with these no talent hacks). Now, like every wannabe punk and hipster in the world, they will always be the first to tell you that society hates them because they are supposed outsiders and, because this movie was written by a collection of these types, the film is constantly trying to push this theory on the viewer. But, believe it or not, this silliness actually ended up creating an unintentionally funny sequence as the girls arrive in Maine and are harassed by some of the locals who lovingly call them 'whores.' The girls then reply with the idea that because they are tattooed and pierced they must have sex for money. Immediately following this scene, the girls get ready for their first photo shoot and are fretting over what to wear. Three girls then reply with, "dress slutty." Yes, tattooed, pierced and a complete bunch of fucking idiots.

The only people I can recommend this movie to are people who are already fans of the Suicide Girls. Since they are already fans, they are probably already diluted enough to actually believe that this abortion of a film was good. The other group who could probably get something out of watching this movie is young boys who just discovered masturbation. There's plenty of nudity in this film for their adolescent minds to blow their wad over but if you've actually slept with a woman either once or you still are, the nudity is nothing you can't already find on the internet and NOT have to suffer through bad acting and terrible story telling in order to see it. The very fact this movie was made makes me weep because the money spent could have gone to something better, like buying dinner for some homeless people or just plain burning it for the warmth the fire cascading off the bills would provide. If you value your sanity, DO NOT watch this film.

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