Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things - 1 out of 5

If you ever wanted to see an example of a horror film that does everything wrong, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is the movie to watch. There isn't a number low enough in existence to show how bad this film is. Usually, when I watch a movie, I try to locate something good in it so my review isn't just an utter thrashing but CSPWDT has no redeeming qualities. NONE WHATSOEVER. The film making is bad enough for a resurrected Ed Wood to say, "God Damn, that sucks," the acting is so bad it makes Sam Worthington look like a Oscar candidate and the story (if you can call it that) is so lame and weak, it's embarrassing for the viewer...almost like watching a Sarah Palin speech. The only real joy that comes from this movie is the entertainment one gets from watching the sorry spectacle this movie is.

CSPWDT centers around a group of eccentric theater actors (that description is a bit redundant, I know) who go away to a island cabin for a weekend and decide to attempt to resurrect the dead. What follows in this movie is absolutely atrocious acting (however, the acting is slightly amusing because I've known many theater majors in my life and their performances mirror what is seen in this movie because, for some reason, many actors actually believe that what a person sees in this movie is real acting) centered around one of the weak, flimsiest stories to ever exist. No real motivation is ever given as to why these actors are so desperate to raise the dead and, even more mysterious, is why the characters are laughing like idiots over every stupid comment the other actors make. Seriously, nothing said in this movie is funny but each character acts like they just sat through a Mitch Hedberg set. To make this movie even worse (honestly, it was like the filmmakers were intentionally TRYING to make a shitty movie) the characters completely lack consistency as, in one scene, a character will be all-in for the bringing back the dead and making a deal with the devil but another aspect of this sinister plan will somehow assault their morals and want nothing to do with it. For example, one character is all for making a deal with Satan and opening up a grave but pulling the corpse from the grave is too much. That made do one of the WTF's the kids are so found of.

Honestly, if you are a complete idiot, this movie might scare you but you have to be really dumb because the true meat of the story (the resurrecting the dead) doesn't even get accomplished until there was 20 minutes left of the movie. REALLY?!? You do a movie about zombies and the zombies don't show up till the credits are warming up?!? But if you like really bad movies to laugh at, check this out because it is a steaming pile of dog shit.

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