Saturday, October 19, 2019

Anaconda 3: Offspring

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion (or other commenters), that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching!  Pretty fly for an anaconda.



Anaconda 3:  Offspring – 1 out of 5

Just working my way through the Anaconda franchise.  If you would have told me that the original film got a sequel, I’d say, “Sure, why not.  It’s not out of the realm of possibilities.”  However, if you told me that it got up to 3 movies, I’d still probably say, “Sure, why not.”  The only real notable thing about this film is the fact it kinda/sorta is connected to the previous film (which you can read my review of right here)—unlike the last film which barely was connected to the first film.  It should also be noted that the film’s soundtrack is done entirely by The Offspring—hence the subtitle.  Ha, I’m kidding.  They didn’t do the soundtrack…but I sure wish they did because I love them and it would have made the film at least a little bearable.

The series can no longer afford lavish jungle locations so now we can anaconda
action in the farms and woods of Romania.

He started the company with nothing but his axe.
At the Wexel Hall for genetic experimentation, a research team is experimenting on a baby anaconda.  There they make it the “queen” anaconda and genetically alter its offspring so they are able to work on a serum from an infamous flower; the Blood Orchid.  A serum that offers up a chance to change the world of pharmaceuticals and one that promises a fortune for the man funding the whole project; Peter “J.D.” Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies).  However, after Murdoch accidentally provokes the offspring, it escapes, frees its mother and kills everyone who gets in the way.  Now project leader Dr. Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen) must head out with a hunting team led by Stephen Hammett (David Hasselhoff) and fight the creatures before more are killed and billions are lost on a potentially life-altering drug.

"Why did we engineer this snake with a tail that has a spear for stabbing?!?"

This third film in the franchise aired on Syfy (back when they were called Sci-Fi) so, since it is a Made-for-TV film, you know exactly the quality that you are going to get.  However, the film had David Hasselhoff in it so that at least gave me some hope that I would have fun with this product because that guy always seems to be having a great time and can bring in moments of enjoyment to otherwise awful products.  While I will admit that Hasselhoff is the bright center of this film, he isn’t strong enough to save it from being a silly sequel that is really only good for going about a Mystery Science Theater 3000:  The Home Game.

A nice homage to Predator and a plot point that literally never comes back
into play.  That's right, the snake can't see her due to the mud.

From a story perspective, the film works for a generic sequel but I wouldn’t call it entertaining and attention-grabbing.  Basically, the story is continuing the whole Blood Orchid/Miracle Drug thing and changes up the formula to be about hunting down an escaped anaconda(s) rather than being hunted by one(s).  While this works to create a thrown together cheap film, it doesn’t work for making a film that is genuinely entertaining to sit through and, to be blunt, is overall very boring.  They even make the anaconda genetically altered but it only results in hilarity rather than entertaining moments.

In fairness, it looks like he is taking the whole "having his head bitten off
by an anaconda" fairly well.

The cast to the film is, like the last one, serviceable but not memorable.  With the exception of Hasselhoff, no one is really that commanding of attention but no one is absolutely atrocious to watch either—and that says a lot about a Made-for-TV film because usually you get the worst of the worst, the most desperate, or most diluted of performers for those films (or a combination of all three).  Without a doubt, Hasselhoff is the most enjoyable member of the cast and the one who is clearly there just to get a paycheck and have a good time while doing it and that dynamic is making his moments in the film truly enjoyable to watch but, as for the rest of the cast, they are decent enough to not obliterate the feature.

Finally the franchise brings in a fun character and, sadly, we never see him
again in the subsequent films.

The realism is uncanny.
The special effects are on the same level of the previous film…in that they are not good.  Great CG is when you don’t pay attention to it and the reality is made complete when you believe what you are seeing is a part of the set.  We are now in an age where this is the fairly common (I won’t argue that all CG is great because, like any aspect of filmmaking, it is possible to have lazy and bad CG).  This film, made just over a decade ago, has special effects that stick out like water spilled on your crotch while you are at work—sure, you could explain to your coworkers that the sink splashed you but they’ll still think you peed your pants.  The snake never looks like it is a part of the scene.  It always looks and feels like it was added—which, technically, it is but a production should aim for selling the illusion it wasn’t.  Add in the fact the overall designs of the snake look cartoony and it makes for a product that almost feels like it was inherently designed to be mocked.

It's truly amazing that snakes this large can somehow be stealthy in this film.
For example, the person being eaten was caught by surprise somehow.

The real killer of this film is the editing.  The movie’s story, when it concerns the plot and action sequences, is already barely held together but when you add in some truly atrocious editing that gives the entire product a very shaky and jumpy appearance it becomes increasingly difficult to try and figure out what is occurring.  For example, there is a car chase sequence where the hunting party is trying to take out one of the snakes (because it moves that fast) and during it the offspring shoots venom in the eyes of one character and the vehicle ends up crashing.  This whole sequence it thrown together so sloppily that it makes the hunting party look like they are just incompetent rather than the anaconda causing the mayhem.  Of course, they very well might be incompetent because one of the members of the hunting party is thrown from the vehicle and keeps repeating, “I think my leg is broken” as she is literally looking at her leg that has a broken bone pierced through the skin—she even touches the bone.

I'm not joking, she literally questions several times about her leg possibly
being broken.

Anaconda 3: Offspring, like the rest of the franchise, is good for a laugh.  I keep singing the praises of David Hasselhoff in this one but he is legit entertaining in this otherwise boring feature.  There’s no real thrills or chills, the special effects are cringe-y and the story feels very slapped together—partially due to its overall generic feel and the amateurish editing.  Sadly, it’s not as openly laughable like the first one due to a very apathetic vibe the whole movie has going for it but it is still pretty easy to riff on and have fun with despite how it actively feels like it wants its viewer to yawn.

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