The Hurricane Heist – 1 out of 5
This last weekend was very hot where I live and that gave me the idea to have a weather-themed movie day. I also wasn’t in the mood for anything with depth and substance and wanted something real schlocky and something I can just relax with and not have to think too hard about. Also, the films were featured on the podcast How Did This Get Made?, that sorta pushed me along. The first film I watched in this little movie day in the air conditioned house was The Hurricane Heist, a box-office bomb that barely made 15 million off of its 35 million dollar production.
|When I first sat down with The Hurricane Heist...|
|When the credits rolled...|
As a massive hurricane approaches a small town in Alabama, a man named Connor Perkins (Ralph Ineson) and his team plans to rob the Treasury Department of hundreds of millions of dollars and use the weather event as cover. One agent, Casey Corbyn (Maggie Grace), must team with a meteorologist; Will Rutledge (Toby Kebbell) and his handyman brother Breeze (Ryan Kwanten), in order to stop the crime and then somehow survive the most destructive hurricane ever seen.
|Calling to make sure the check cleared, I assume.|
Look, I will be making a lot of jokes about how bad this film is but if I was offered
a role in it, I would have taken it in a heartbeat.
I didn’t sit down with The Hurricane Heist expecting brilliance. I wanted popcorn fluff and, sadly, it didn’t give me that. I wanted dumb fun and, instead, the film was just... dumb. Hell, one of the characters is named “Breeze” for eff’s sake and then, early in the film, this happens…
|Yes, the movie literally did this. It made a skull appear in the storm.|
This moment occurs when Breeze and Will are children and their father is killed in a hurricane. I know it is supposed to be symbolism but if this movie would have been about a sentient hurricane that took these kids’ father and then returned years later to claim them, it would only have been an improvement because the rest of the film was just boring and really hard to get invested into.
|I hate to make the lame joke that the hurricane had more personality than the villain (shown)|
but...wait, no, Ralph Ineson was actually pretty decent despite the fact the
character he played wasn't that interesting of an antagonist.
The main problems that held The Hurricane Heist back for me is the characters aren’t very interesting and feel painfully generic, the action wasn’t very memorable and the hurricane was just absolutely ridiculous. For all intents and purposes, the characters are just vague descriptions and they sorta stop there. Even the attempt to make a backstory by having the brothers lose their dad to a hurricane isn’t enough to make the people you see on the screen interesting. However, I didn’t expect depth to the characters I was going to see in a movie called The Hurricane Heist. Honestly, I expected flat and one-dimensional characters but this one felt like it was putting even less energy into them and they were just boring. As boring as the lifeless and monotonous action the story provides. The only time the action stood out in my mind was when it was just too ridiculous to take serious and the final climactic end—and, even then, it still wasn’t very exciting or cool. I only remember it because it involves a weird moment where one of the “heroes” of the story decides that, when he and two bad guys are in danger and decide to work together to get out, that he should “nobly” get rescued first and that they will get saved after him. I won’t spoil anything but you can easily guess the henchmen’s fates.
|So, this character is kinda sleazy, very selfish and kind of a tool...but his name is |
Breeze so that makes up for his unlikable qualities, I guess?
The hardest part about this movie to take seriously was how the hurricane was represented. Dangerous weather is always presented far worse that it really is in movies and, if presented in the right way, it’s easy to suspend disbelief and not question too deeply what you are watching. The Hurricane Heist does not succeed in this because I’m not entirely sure if the production even knew what a hurricane is. There are times where it’s mistaken for a tsunami…
|Sure, hurricanes can do that...|
And the entire final act treats the hurricane like it is an apocalyptic tornado from hell that obliterates every (literally everything) in its path.
|And, while this is approaching and ready to destroy then entire country, the bad guys|
are still worried about their money. A world-ending event is chasing you!
You can give up and flee to rob again another day.
This is all on top of how the film treats the winds of a hurricane. At times they are strong enough to suck an entire car in the air but only mildly inconvenience a person. They can be so powerful that they can suck a person out through a shattered window but not enough to actually shatter the window and be held back when the window is intact. Granted, this ineptitude that is shown with how a hurricane presents itself does bring in the only enjoyable thing about the movie but it’s not enough to save The Hurricane Heist from itself. Instead, these are just funny and amusing moments in an otherwise incredibly boring movie.
|In case this is hard to make out, this shows two characters flopping in the wind and connected|
by a rope to keep them from flying away. That's what this film is delivering.
I had hopes that The Hurricane Heist was going to be a silly, but fun, popcorn action film. Hell, the concept alone promises that but the final product did anything but. With no real memorable moments, action sequences that felt uninspired, boring characters that were impossible to care about or even wanna watch and a hurricane that was so insane that its existence alone should have been the focus of the story and not a robbery ended up making for a movie that was, for lack of a better descriptive, dumb.