Friday, October 14, 2016

Rev. Ron's Realities: Ghost Shark



Hello readers!  It’s time once again for another addition of my very sporadic venture away from my reviews—it’s time for Rev. Ron’s Realities.  If you accidentally found this hole-in-the-wall blog, let me introduce to you what this is:  Basically, when I see extras in the background that catch my eye or minor characters that I think need some backstory or even a small portion of a film’s plot that I think can be elaborated on, I write up a short story discussing these possibilities.  In the past I talked about the purchase of Jurassic Park, what one man went through during the earthquake in San Andreas, two stories were inspired by the Christian “found footage” film The Lock In and I even talked about two friends who had absolutely terrible seats in Gods of Egypt.


This addition to Rev. Ron’s Realities involves a 2013 Syfy monster movie I recently watched because I love cheesy shark films and it’s October.  The film is called Ghost Shark (you can read my review here) and it’s about exactly what the title promises; it’s an erotic thriller about a devious millionaire who hunts prostitutes on his private island.  Of course, when I say that, I really mean it is about a shark that is a ghost.  Anyway, in the film there is a pool party where some teenagers are getting rowdy but, unlike so many teen party movie tropes, the rowdiness in this feature is very subdued and actually sorta chill.  Of course, this is a monster movie and it wouldn’t be in that genre if the kids had their fun and everything went off without a hitch.  In this film, the ghost shark can travel through any amount of water and, since this is a pool party, you know exactly where this is going.  One thing caught my eye in this sequence and it wasn’t the ghost shark attacking the kids but rather a minor scuffle between two of the teens that acts as a small plot device that results in one of these two being the first pool party victim.  As these two were having their argument and shoving match, I found myself wondering:  What exactly happened between these two that caused the fight?


We now go to the pool where the tattooed Jason just took the beer pong ball, lit it on fire and used it to light his cigarette.  Even he’s not sure why he thought that was cool.


I'm fairly certain Jason plays in a Blink-182 cover band.


Things are pretty good, Jason thinks to himself, as the end of the cig started to glow red.  He’s got a great job at the local vape store (those are going to blow up and be huge, he tells himself everyday) and now he’s hanging out at the pool party.  Pools are awesome and Jason loved them—he even had a subscription to Pool Aficionado magazine.  He’s fully convinced that nothing can ruin his great mood.


“Hey ass-clown,” comes a voice from the end of the pool.  He turns and sees a man in a green polo looking in his direction. “I thought you weren’t going to make it,” the man says.


I'm a tad worried about the one guy in the middle.  He looks ill and super depressed.


“Shit,” Jason mutters in the back of his mind.  He wasn’t anticipating Mark showing up.  Not wanting to show any reluctance he struts over to talk with the man, who was hanging out with his girlfriend and two dorky buddies.  Jason had to do this, he told himself.  He can’t look weak with all the girls here…especially since none of them seemed to notice that trick he did with the beer pong ball.  He had to rebound from that one. 


“I can’t believe you had the nerve to show up here after what you did, ass-clown,” Mark spits once Jason is in earshot.


Jason’s face contorts in irritation as he looks from the preppy Mark to his equally preppy girlfriend and the two friends—if he had a drink in his hand, he’d throw it in their faces.  “What I did?  How dare you?  I did nothing wrong and you know it.”


“Nothing wrong?”  Mark stammers.  “You are such an ass-clown who does ass-clown-like things.”


“Ass-clown-like things?” Jason said furiously.  “I did nothing wrong, bro.”


“Nothing wrong? Only an ass-clown would say that.”


“Stop calling me an ass-clown,” Jason demanded.  “You sound like a made-for-TV movie on basic cable where you can’t actually use any real swears.”


“That’s something an ass-clown would say.”


“Dude,” Jason interjected, “what is your problem?”


“You know what my problem is,” Mark said angrily.  “You ate the last slice of pizza the other night and you know I wanted it.”


“B.S.,” Jason said as he threw his hands in the air.  “I asked you if I could have it and you said that I could.”


“No, ass-clown,” Mark fired back.  “You asked me if I wanted the last piece and I said that I did.”


“No, I didn’t.”


“Yes, you did.  Stop being an ass-clown.”


“Stop calling me an ass-clown!”


“I will when you stop being one.”


“I’m an ass-clown?” Jason questioned.  “You’re an ass-clown. And you’re an ass-clown,” he said as he pointed at Mark’s friends.  


How can a night of underage drinking go so wrong?


As more angry words started to get exchanged, the entire party started to look in their direction.  Jason had it.  He was causing a scene and he just wanted to enjoy the party.  He had to end this so he flicked his cigarette into the man’s chest (he doesn't understand how to end conflict very well).  Before the cigarette could even hit the ground after sparking off of Mark’s chest he was caught off-guard and was shoved into the pool.  


Interesting pushing form there, Mark.


As the cool blue, chlorine-saturated water swallowed him up Jason’s anger grew and became red hot.  He was looking forward to getting in the pool but not like this.  Pushing himself off the bottom from where he sank, the man pulled himself out of the pool and charged at Mark, shoving him into the fence and literally knocking off a large section of it to the ground.


Jason is either incredibly strong or that fence is terribly constructed.


At this point everyone in the pool is yelling at Jason, claiming he’s ruining the party for the rest of them.  He doesn’t see it that way.  He got the last word, he got the last slice of pizza and he even speared Mark through a fence.  Now he’s accused of ruining the party and ruining the house or something by the kid that lives there?  He wasn’t ruining anything, he knew that.  He was the king of the world and everyone needed to know that and he decides he’s going to show everyone how he’s the champ.  He climbs the diving board, looks directly at the kid who accused him of ruining the house and says, “Now I’m doing a gainer in your house.” (It sounded better in his head)  He then takes a leap, spinning in a tight circle off the diving board.  He can’t wait to hit the water the way he originally wanted to when he got to the party.  Mark was a dick for pushing him in and making him ruin how cool pools are and how totes sweet it is to jump into them and impress all the ladies.


Did anyone check to make sure Mark isn't dead?


Sadly, Jason doesn’t get the moment he wants.  He gets something completely different as the last thing he feels is sharp teeth chomping down on him as the ghost shark comes soaring out of the water.  It seems phantom teeth can be just as painful as real ones but Jason doesn’t have time to cry out or scream.  While the ghastly aquatic predator shoots into the air like a missile, Jason only has time for a single thought:  He shouldn’t have eaten that last slice of pizza.


Well, Jason's jump just looks weak now by comparison.



Well, there ya have it, guys and gals.  That little background fight that was thought to have been there just to get the ghost shark to do an over-the-top, silly kill was really about two friends fighting over the last slice of pizza.  Pizza is important, people.  Always remember to either just offer up the last slice or get it in writing that you are entitled to that final bit.  If you fail to do otherwise, you’ll get eaten by a ghost shark.  Tale as old as time.



Keep coming back for more of my ridiculous stories in this feature; Rev. Ron’s Realities, and keep checking out the reviews!  Thanks!

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