It’s time for another addition of Rev. Ron’s Realities!
Now, I know it’s been awhile since I did the last one (okay, a long while) and I haven’t fulfilled my promise of this being a weekly or even an every other week feature like I claimed in the first one but life sometimes gets in the way, sometimes my hobbies—like the cloning facility that I am building—comes into play and, of course, there’s always my full-time job. Plus, I wanna make sure that reviews come first because that’s what this blog was started on. I also can’t help if I haven’t seen any interesting extras to create stories off of…(what I'm saying is that it is random actors' faults)
So, if you’re new to this, Rev. Ron’s Realities is a feature where I single out an eye-catching extra and create an elaborate back-story or continuation of their journey after the movie ends. Or, I take a single element of the story in a film that is usually a throw-away bit of exposition and try to imagine how that off-camera scene probably would have gone. Well, since I’ve been slacking it on this feature, I’ve decided to take a single moment in a single film and provide two possible scenarios.
What’s the film? Well, back in February of this year, I finally was able to track down a copy of a Christian horror movie that I was dying to see. It is called The Lock In and it is a “found footage” film that centers on a Christian sleepover where a haunted piece of pornography is tormenting the children. The scene in question is during the climax when the last surviving kid is pleading with Jesus to help him and stop the porno demon. During this moment where he is weeping after being assaulted and pulled into the baptismal pool, you see a person enter shot for a brief moment (and look like they are reading something) and then they walk out.
|This is what it looked like...because this is actually from the film.|
Without a doubt, this person was just a rogue member of the crew or, more likely, someone who worked and/or attended the church where they were filming this and just wandered into shot before noticing the director frantically waving for them to move. However, I’m not doing the Rev. Ron Realities to point out the most likely scenario, I’m here to make shit up and this moment was so good that two potential Realities came to mind.
Here’s the first one…
The Porno Demon, unseen by human eyes, grabs the child and yanks him into the water. Normally, this is a place where people come to accept Jesus and be washed in his love but this is an unholy monstrosity from the underworld who willingly chose to possess a skin mag—something most people don’t even buy anymore thanks to the internet—so he’s not really beneath defiling anything holy. Since his goal instead to kill the child (yet), he releases him so he can recover and be played with once again.
The porno demon laughed and his revelry was interrupted by the admonishing sound of “tsk, tsk, tsk.” Confused, the demon walks out of the pool while the boy sobs and cries for his savior to help him and is shocked to find a man in common human clothing standing just towards the edge of the hall. “Who are you?” he hisses in a porno-possessing type of way.
|**Psst, the demon is invisible.**|
“Come on,” the man answers back, “you know who I am.”
“Um, no,” the demon replies. “You see, that’s why I asked you who you were because I don’t recognize you. You weren’t one of the kids at this lame lock in.”
“Do you see many high school kids with long hair and a beard?” the man answered back.
“I don’t know. All you humans look the same to me.”
“Well, that’s a bit racist,” the mysterious man informed the demon.
“Dude, I’m a demon.”
“Yeah, about that,” the man said before walking out of the hall. The possessor of skin mags remained behind for a moment and glanced at the boy still crying. He almost took pity on him but that lasted for a fraction of a second before he walked after the man who had the audacity to admonish a creature from the netherworld.
“Are you going to tell me who you are?” the demon asked as he caught up the man in the next room.
“Isn’t it obvious?” the man said. “The boy literally begged for my help and you are shocked I appear.”
The nudie magazine dwelling demon pondered the words of the gentleman for a long moment before ultimate realization struck him. “You’re Him! You’re Jesus, aren’t you?”
| Newmarket Films/20th Century Fox|
Cue angelic chorus!
“Bingo!” the savior exclaimed as he tapped his nose.
“Wait,” the demon shook his horned head, “don’t you normally wear robes and sandals and junk?”
“It’s laundry day up in Heaven, dude,” Jesus replied. “Anyway, we’re not here to talk about my fashion choices. I’m here at the request of that young man.”
|Newmarket Films/20th Century Fox|
The demon pointed towards the other room, “You mean the crier in the other room?”
“Yes, him. He called on my power to appear and stop you from tormenting him.”
“And why should I do that?” growled the demon.
“Quick answer: The whole good and evil and good always triumphs business,” Jesus replied, “but the long answer is that you are just not good at what you are doing.”
The room darkened as the demon’s anger grew, “How dare you?! I took all those kids and have terrified them beyond what their mortal souls could have ever prepared them for!!!”
“Dude,” Jesus said before lighting the room up with a snap of his fingers, “you made a scary kid appear and I won’t even get into how cliché that is but, beyond that, you locked the refrigerator and cabinets and stopped the kids from having a snack. That’s not scary.”
|The example of what Jesus says isn't scary.|
“But how terrified were they when they realized that they would have small hunger pains because they haven’t eaten in about two hours! Bwaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“Dude,” Jesus repeated, slightly exhausted, “that is just not scary. And you chose to possess a porno magazine. I mean, come on!”
|Newmarket Films/20th Century Fox|
“Yes, it was a move of utter brilliance. Even the dark lord himself couldn’t have come up with something better!”
Jesus pinched his nose as a tension headache started to form, “You’ve heard of the Internet, right?”
The demon was silent for a long moment, his eyes darting around the room as his brain tried to recognize the word. “The what?” he finally said quietly.
“Porno magazines are a dying medium,” Jesus explained to the demon. “The internet is a giant database where most of it is just porn. People don’t use porno magazines anymore—well, anyone in this century, I guess. Kids especially don’t need them because they carry devices on them where they can literally pull up any kind of filth they want and do so in a heartbeat. Heck, Playboy doesn’t even have nude pictorials anymore.”
“Wait,” the demon stammered, “you’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not. In fact, the magazine you inhabited is tame by the standards created by perverts who use the ‘net. I hate to tell you this but some of the things you can see on the internet is scarier than your attempts at terrorizing there kids.”
The demon crossed his arms and grimaced, “Why should I believe you?”
“Lies are your department, brother,” He said. Jesus then sighed and pulled out a phone from his sweat pants, “Here look at this…”
|Newmarket Films/20th Century Fox|
The demon glanced at the screen of the phone and instantly felt his breakfast come flying up his throat. He tried to stop but found himself hacking it all up on the floor. “Hells Bells! Jesus Christ, people actually watch that?”
Jesus nodded his head. “So, do you see how stupid this whole idea was?”
The demon hung his head sheepishly, “Yes, Jesus.”
“Now release all the kids in the lock in.”
“Now, skedaddle. Go on, git outta here.”
With that, the demon scampered away to try and inhabit the world of internet pornography but ended up possessing a less-than reputable website and found himself contracted with a computer virus.
And, there you have it. That’s the first of two Realities born from and inspired by the terrible Christian “found footage” horror film The Lock In. Stay tuned for the second one soon (like actually soon and not in my broken promise of doing these every two weeks.)