I Am Here….Now – 0 out of 5
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I watch these bad movies? I know they often make me laugh but Neil Breen films are something different all together. If you don’t know who Breen is, he’s a real estate agent who made enough money in Las Vegas to make his own films. The only problem is he doesn’t know how to write or even understand the basics of filmmaking. So far I’ve watched his first film Double Down (which you can also read about on The Robot’s Pajamas) and his third film Fateful Findings (also written about on RPJs) and now I find myself backtracking and checking out his second film; I Am Here….Now (complete with an extra period in the ellipses!)
|Seeing this makes me want to see Neil Breen adapt a Shakespeare play.|
Just imagine what that would be like...
The hardest part of any Breen film is figuring out how to adequately sum up the story and plot. Unfortunately, I can’t fall back on some hero who dug through the bullshit to figure out the mess and wrote about it on Wikipedia but, thankfully, this one isn’t that hard to put together. Basically, a character called The Being (Breen)—who is either an alien or Jesus (with robotic elements for some reason)—comes to Earth—one of the many planets he states he created—and he is not happy with humanity. They destroy the planet and are antagonistic and violent towards each other and they let people who can't make movies make movies. While journeying through Las Vegas, The Being interacts with some corrupt politicians, dangerous gang members and two sisters forced into prostitution in order to make ends meet.
|Sure, a robot alien Jesus. Why not? This is pretty much normal by Breen's|
standards in his films.
|Dude, he went all out (to Target) for the props!|
Like every other Breen film, I Am Here….Now is just a complete and utter mess. His first feature Double Down really exposed the movie-going world to just how inflated his ego is and how desperate he was to show it off. I thought having an entire movie where he himself is narrating about how he is the greatest and most talented person to ever exist was about as bad as it gets but his second film literally is Breen writing himself as God (or alien creator or, judging by the cheap Halloween mask he bought, a zombie version of Johnny Depp’s Tonto). It’s almost sad that his ego is clearly that fragile.
|If you watch this scene closely, you can see the actress is blinking "Help" in|
|Yep, that's how you do the drugs, Breen!|
It’s been quite evident in all his films that Breen cannot write to save his life; however, there is some magic to his incompetent writing style and inability to string together a story—in that you really find out some things about him you don’t want to know. I already mentioned that we learn he has a huge but incredibly fragile ego but I’m willing to bet that Breen doesn’t think too highly about women either. There’s only a small handful of females in this film but none of them are represented as even remotely decently. Never mind that all the girls are wearing tank tops that are on the verge of allowing their breasts to break free and run away from the production but they are written to be extremely dumb or weak. One girl loses her job and her sister convinces her that, because she’s pretty, she should go into prostitution—a job that she does. Without any arguments, she agrees. Really? She didn’t even take a night to sleep on it. Does Breen think women are just sexual objects (you can’t tell me he didn’t instruct every girl to wear a barely-there tank top)?
|The horrifying thing to imagine is the look on Breen's face as he definitely told|
the actress to unbutton some more.
Additionally, since Breen doesn’t understand what subtlety is, his political views are amateurishly laid out on the table but, like any Facebook activist, it’s easy to assume that Breen doesn’t actually understand any of the points he’s standing up against (instead of sharing poorly made memes, he just regurgitates some talking points in a way that it's clear he might not know anything about what he is trying to express). All the plot points (and calling them plot point is making the definition very broad) are express through sloppy dialogue and the worlds “corporations” and “greed” is mentioned at such frequency that they quickly lose meaning (and would best be used as fuel for a drinking game). It’s kinda evident that Breen thinks that just saying the word “corporations” and “political greed” equals that he is actually saying something but, in reality, the film is showing nothing. For example, there’s some guys who I think are corrupt politicians or evil lobbyists and they are teaming with a gang. They talk about teaming up and how no one can stop them but never is it made clear what they are doing. It’s hinted that the lobbyist are out to destroy a clean energy bill but nothing comes from that and what exactly they are doing with the gang is never really feathered out. One thing is clear though, the gang says they are world-wide and nothing can stop them. I think it’s because no one knows what they are doing.
|When this man is one of your criminal masterminds in your film, you give him|
and his hair as much screen time as you can.
|Wow! That spider looks real--ha ha, I barely was|
able to type that with a straight face.
Like all bad, low budget films there are a buttload of horrible actors all being very awkward, the sound editing is horrendous, the rest of the editing fairs no better, and the plot plays out very sloppily and with little coherence or even a sense that any thought was put into it. Aside from this, there are other things about the film that are just outright confusing. For example, characters are never really given an introduction (or any development) and they are never addressed by name. In fact, there’s several times where characters only refer to each other by their job title. Additionally, the film only takes place outside. Gang members are doing their business outside a demolished house, corrupt politicians and lobbyists are doing their shady dealings on the steps outside public buildings and the sisters who take to being escorts very easily make all their life-changing decisions while on a walk through their suburban neighborhood—complete with the one sister’s very obvious plastic baby doll in stroller she’s pushing. Jesus having very awkward sex with an escort is the only time the film decides to go indoors (yes, robot-alien Jesus has sex at one point and it's never made clear why). I’m guessing this is because no one wanted Breen in their buildings and his bedroom was being redecorated during most of the shoot.
|Don't look at the camera...don't look at the camera...don't look at the camera...|
I Am Here….Now is a messy but absolutely hysterical film. Breen’s complete inept ability to create a film made me bust out laughing a lot but it also had me saying the phrase “What the f#@k?” at least every two minutes or so. There’s no story, no plot, no characters but, somehow, it doesn’t stop Breen from providing a film that is soaking with the creator’s own sense of self-delusion. It’s very clear that he thinks he made a poignant and deep film because he mentions renewable energy and says the words “greed” and “corporations" every other second. Hell, he even has some shots of doll head sitting in the desert (in-between the insane amounts of stock footage, B-roll and all of the recycled and re-used scenes that are done over and over again) and I’m guessing this is done in an attempt to make it look creative and artistic but it sorta looks like someone is creating a parody of a film majors' art film. I know I sound harsh with poor old Breen—I mean, he’s just a dude who wants to make movies—but his films are really just so bad but they are bad in a fun way.