Hey, everybody! It’s time for another addition of Rev. Ron’s Realities!
What is Rev. Ron’s Realities? Well, they are short stories that dive in deeper into minor plot points or background characters that strike my fancy and that I think deserves a little more elaboration. I’ve done it with Jurassic World and talked about the purchase of the intellectual property of it all, I followed the survival of an extra from the film San Andreas and, recently, I created a background to someone who wandered into shot in an absolutely terrible but undeniably hysterical Christian “found footage” film The Lock In.
Well, as I stated in that last one, that one actually inspired two stories and, like I promised in that one, here’s the second tale that was born from someone who just walked into the scene by accident…
The young Jesus sits outside his apartment building and stares across the street at the church. He knows that most of the kids he goes to school with are there right now and about to be a part of the lock in. He knows they’re going to have a blast while they eat junk food, talk about how cool Kirk Cameron is and listen to only the best that Christian rock has to offer. But he’s not going to be there with them. Instead, he has to be with his father, helping him with his time machine. (Jesus’ father is obsessed with Back to the Future and is convinced he can build his own time travel device but Jesus isn’t so convinced. After all, he’s building it out of an old refrigerator box and is trying to use old coffee grounds as a form of fuel. He means well, Jesus tells keeps repeating to himself.)
|Jesus' home across from the church.|
His sister tells Jesus to "not sweat it” about not going to the lock in because she went last year and it was “totes lame.” She said they couldn’t even get a DVD copy of Left Behind and they had to watch it on a worn-out VHS tape. His brother told him that it’s better for him anyway because the kids there aren’t the kids he’d wanna hang out with anyway. Jesus didn’t know about that because they seemed cool. Of course, he admitted, one of the kids’ parents was a little weird. He heard they were freaking out about him getting some pizza with a girl. Plus, he thinks he heard them say some racist things once in church.
With another defeated sigh escaping his lips, Jesus hears his father call for him to get upstairs so they can work on the time machine.
After a few hours go by and it’s getting near lunchtime, Jesus’ father sends him out to take out the trash. He looks longingly at the church and imagines the fun they are having at the lock in. That’s when he noticed a couple of the kids and the youth pastor is outside. Quickly tossing the garbage into the dumpster, he squints his eyes to see what they are doing. If he didn’t know any better, he would have thought they were burning something. He starts to wonder what they are burning when his father calls out the window for him to hurry up; he thinks he’s found a breakthrough.
|Spoiler Alert: They are burning something.|
It turned out the breakthrough was Jesus’ father literally breaking through the thick cardboard of the box. Jesus didn’t blame his father for his excitement, he is a very optimistic man and celebrated anything that got him closer to his goal; however, cutting through some thick cardboard was about all he got because he suddenly stopped and gave his son a long, studying look.
|Future Time Machine!|
“Jesus, my boy,” he said, “I know you want to be over at the lock in and I don’t blame you but we just don’t have the money for it.”
“I know, dad,” Jesus sadly replied.
Jesus’ father set down his tools and put his hand on his shoulder, “How about we get some pizza?”
With lunch in his belly, Jesus goes outside to toss the pizza box in the dumpster. He glances over again at the church, his eyes a mixture of melancholy and longing. There’s no doubt that if his family had the means he’d be at the lock in but no amount of understanding or even pizza will change the fact he really wants to be over there having fun with the kids. With a sigh of resignation, Jesus turns around and a single faint sound stops him in his track.
Jesus stands, unmoving, straining his ears to hear. There are cars in the distance, someone’s TV in one of the apartments, flies buzzing in the trees and even his heartbeat filling his ears but that’s not the noise he just heard. He swore he heard someone yelling his name. He thought he heard someone pleading for his help.
Shrugging it off, Jesus goes to the front door of the apartment complex and as he puts his hand on the door, he hears it again. Someone is yelling for his help and that person is yelling from across the street.
|It's coming from the church!|
His parents instilled in him early to be a charitable but, most of all, helpful person. He bolts through the church’s parking lot and up the service ramp towards the door. He yanks as hard as he can on the doors but they are locked and not budging. This was his church, he reminded himself. He knew it backwards and forwards and knew every exit and entrance. Running around the building he hurried to the back entrance of the building—the entrance that he often heard the one kid’s mother whisper that Jesus and his family should use. Man, he thought, she really is racist.
For one reason or another, the backdoor was completely unlocked and Jesus threw open the doors and ran inside. Most of the lights were off and the building was fairly dark but he could hear the anguished cries and sobbing of a man in torment up stairs. With no hesitation, Jesus took the nearest staircase, leaping the stairs several at a time, and ran to where the noise was coming from: The baptismal pool.
As he got close, he slowed down and walked around the corner to find a kid about his age just lying on the ground soaking wet and crying for help. Jesus stood there for a second and realized that the kid wasn’t injured; he was just lying there, sobbing and crying out for Jesus Christ. He wasn’t calling out for his help—not him Jesus. He didn’t think the guy actually needed help of any kind. Jesus thinks to himself that the kid just snuck in some booze or drugs with his buddies, got messed up and slipped into the baptismal pool and he is now, in a drunken stupor, whining about his hurt knee or something. In fact, the youth pastor and the other kids have probably heard his whining and Jesus decides now is the time to get out of here before he gets in trouble for sneaking into the lock in.
As Jesus returns to the back hallway he can hear the faint noises of the crying kid reuniting with the rest of the kids. He wonders to himself if he’s going to get in trouble for whatever he snuck into the lock in but his thoughts are interrupted as he gets to the door and sees a magazine sitting on the floor. It’s a certain, special kind of magazine. The kind of magazine his father has hidden underneath the bed. The kind of magazine he is not supposed to see. It’s a porno magazine.
They really snuck that in, he thought to himself. Haven’t these kids heard of the internet? Only old people use porno magazines anymore. How out of touch are they?
And there ya have it!
The second Reality that was inspired by a single crew, member of the congregation or family member walking into frame during the terrible (but absolutely hysterical) Christian “found footage” horror movie about a haunted porno mag.
Keep checking in for more reviews (I churn those out a lot faster, I swear) and more of my Realities.