Transmorphers: Fall of Man – 0 out of 5
About three years ago, I watched the film Transmorphers; The Asylum’s mockbuster of the very financially successful Transformers series. As you can see by how long it took me to get around to the sequel, the film didn’t have the biggest of an impacts on me. If you’ve ever read any of my reviews of films from The Asylum, I don’t think too highly of their productions. I’m a little more forgiving of their monster movies but their mockbusters are pretty insulting because they are created for the sole reason of taking advantage of the uninformed consumer—and that’s pretty crummy and you have to be quite the sleaze to go with that business model. Any-hoo, the first film is just a complete mess of incoherent action, terrible CG and bad acting. So, how does Transmorphers: Fall of Man compare? Well, honestly, not much better…
|Jeez, the fall of man could have at least waited until|
she finished her shift at the Go-Go dance factory.
300 years before the events of the first film, mankind is living peacefully without giant robots trying to kill them. Mysterious events start happening that include people being killed and left with mysterious wounds on their heads and an Air Force Base intercepting an alien signal. While this is occurring, a young girl named Madison Ryan (Alana DiMaria) is reunited with her old flame; a super smart and totes badass vet named Jake Van Ryberg (Shane Van Dyke—who is also the writer of this film and that makes sense as this film never stops talking about how great Van Ryberg is), but no sooner than they are reunited are they thrown head-first into an invasion of giant robots—that are no way in disguise and don’t have anything to do with more than meeting the eye. Can they stop them? Well, no because this is a prequel and you learn that man lives underground in the first film but, that being said, how will they survive so that man can one day rise against the machines in a way that is not at all the same as the Terminator films?
|The best part is when a character encounters this robot and the robot literally |
does nothing and the dude freaks the fuck out.
|In all honesty, in the actual film you won't see that|
much more movement from the Transmorphers.
Crappy CG costs money.
So, Fall of Man has all the crummy things you would expect from your typical mockbuster from The Asylum: The store brand feel of far better films (and yet, somehow worse), a whole lot of really bad ADR, atrocious special effects, really lame and lazy action sequences, a plot that makes no sense and not a single enjoyable character to be seen. However, this film even decides to go a step further but making every single scene very awkward—pretty much every scene feels like it is starting the moment it comes into play in the story and not like the events are just occurring naturally. Literally, every sequence of the film feels like you can almost hear the director yelling “Action.” Already the film feels very awkward and it drags very badly because every scene contains a butt-load of reaction shots (90% of this film is shots of people reacting and looking at other people’s reactions) but this inclusion of really bad editing that makes all the scenes feel like they start and stop only when the viewer arrives at the point in the story really makes for an awkward experience.
|Interesting acting choice there, Kemosabe.|
|Why was Boxleitner even trying? He realistically didn't|
When it comes to acting, this film does have one person—Tron himself; Bruce Boxleitner—playing Madison’s father and he does a great job with the awful script he is given but, beyond this, the rest of the performances are pretty weak. When you don’t have actors not even attempt to give the bare minimum, you have people like the fearless writer; Shane Van Dyke, overacting the living hell out of their performance. Actually, come to think of it, Van Dyke’s performance is one of the films highlights because he is trying so hard to be intense and live up to how totes amazing he wrote his character to be. Sure, it’s pretty narcissistic to write a character that is constantly told how amazing and tough he is and then end up playing the part you wrote but it sure makes for some funny moments.
Finally, this movie is just plain boring. There’s no real plot going on and a lot of the story details (like how the Transmorphers are out to terraform the planet) are revealed by characters literally TELLING our hero Van Ryberg rather than showing (because Van Dyke firmly believes in telling, not showing…and the fact the budget could never afford the plot points). Boredom is only amplified when you realize that in the entire film and throughout all the really messy and uninteresting action sequences, you only see about six or seven giant robots and they all look pretty much the same. You would think that an alien robot invasion that ultimate results in the human race nearly being wiped out would be a little larger and grandiose but what you get is something that is incredible boring and overflowing with characters always driving away from action (and then having their cars destroyed and they get into a new car and then having the characters looking at action that the production just can’t afford to show us...rinse and repeat and you have the movie).
|"Quick, get in! We're late for the next scene of us driving and looking at things!"|
|My favorite part is how the Transmorphers contain|
absolutely no threat whatsoever.
I can’t say I was expecting something good from Transmorphers: Fall of Man but I was hoping for something that was so bad that it was fun to watch. Sadly, this film with its overacting, lack of action, its poorly written script completely devoid of decent dialogue, plot, interesting characters and story and its horrifyingly lazy CG, I just found a film that was boring, uninspired (ironic since it’s blatantly stealing from three films) and, well, just dumb. The experience is so lackluster and light on any form of entertainment (it was hard to even make fun of it) that I feel like The Asylum shouldn’t be tricking people into paying to watch this but, rather, paying the audience for the waste of time this film provides. Say what you will about Michael Bay and how the guy isn’t good at handling character and story but, after watching both this one and the first one, the man now looks like a goddamn brilliant storyteller. Shit, this film actually makes the second Transformers film—with all its terrible potty humor and horrible racist moments—watchable and good.