Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Rev. Ron's Realitites: San Andreas

Hey gang!  It’s time for another addition of Rev. Ron’s Realities!

If you didn’t catch the first time I did this, you can see it right here.  Also, if you’re wondering what the heck Rev. Ron’s Realities is, well here’s a quick once over:  This is a new segment where, if an extra or a minor character in a film catches my eye or a specific plot point tickles my fancy, and I create a completely fictional history (or “reality”) behind this point or character.  I previous did it with the story behind the purchase of the intellectual property of Jurassic World and now I’m turning my sights on San Andreas.  So, if you’re ready (and if you’re not, I’ll give you a minute before you keep reading…ready now?) let’s go!

The sequel will have The Rock taking on the quake in a Hell in the Cell match.

Recently I watched The “Dwayne Johnson” Rock in the 2015 disaster flick San Andreas.  If you’re curious about my review, check it out here, but there was a scene where Dwayne Johnson’s character’s daughter Blake (Alexandra Daddario) is accompanying her mother’s boyfriend to his office in downtown San Francisco.  While there, she meets a nice British man and his brother but what caught my eye was an extra in the background who gives a cocky look towards them.  So, I got to wondering what brought him there and what the hell happened to him during the insanity of the gigantic earthquake.

The guy in the back, not the kid.

This man is named Robert Klimmer.  He’s single and has been living in San Francisco for nearly 15 years now.  He went to college at a decent school where he majored in architectural design.  Daniel Riddick, the boyfriend to The Rock’s ex-wife, runs a very lucrative business and, like the man Blake met, Robert is hoping to work for him and is there for an interview.  Blake, if you’ve seen the film, is a bit of a nervous type and Robert is more of a borderline cocky and arrogant type—which explains why he smugly gives Blake and the group a cock-eyed glance. 

Ah, San Fran.  The Big Apple as they call it.

Sure, Robert is full of himself but he has reason to be.  Growing up he always did well in school, he aced every course in college and has always been swarmed by beautiful women.  When he woke up that morning (after an excellent night’s sleep), he had a fantastic morning jog, his pre-shower bowl movement went well and had an excellent consistency that reminded him that he has a great diet and his drive to the coffee shop (where they got his order correct, they wrote his name on the cup correctly and was served quickly) and then to the office was met with absolutely no traffic.  Mr. Klimmer has reason to be arrogant, is what I’m saying because he is clearly living his life with a goddamn rabbit’s foot up his tush.

Not Shown, Robert's tush.

Robert feels he’s a shoe-in for the job but right before the office’s administrative assistant calls him in to meet with the hiring team, the earthquake hits.  He immediately rushes towards the elevator—even though you shouldn’t be using it in this emergency.  The car takes a second to arrive as the screaming masses of business professionals flee for their lives around him and escape down the stairs.  Eventually, the elevator arrives with a *ding* and he calmly steps in and rides the elevator down to the lobby.  Immediately after he steps out, a chunk of building sails down the elevator shaft and destroys the car.  Thanking his lucky stars (or the rabbit foot in his butt), Robert flees the building—and thinks he caught a glimpse of the company’s owner Daniel Riddick screaming something about needing help.  However, he ignores this and runs into the street.

Maybe it’s because of the mix of excitement and terror or maybe because his legs were toned from years of marathon running and daily jogs, but Robert runs right through the entrance and literally into the streets.  A speeding cab, shaken by the sudden movement of the tectonic plates and falling chunks of skyscrapers around him, weaves around madly and barely misses Robert.  The cab hits a parked car and the driver is ejected.  Robert takes a few steps in an attempt to make it look like he is going to help the mortally wounded driver but a large piece of the Riddick building embeds itself into the ground where he was just standing.  He glances up and sees the entire building is on the verge of collapsing and decides that it’s either him or death.  Pumping his well-toned calves, Robert decides to run.

                                                                                                           Photo - Emma Kessinger
"Crossfit, don't fail me now!"

The architect pumps his arms and legs until he is completely in the zone.  He tunes out the sounds of destruction and the screams of help from the people around him.  He has no time to help them.  He’s Robert “Fucking” Klimmer and he’s an amazing architect with a bright future ahead of him.  He can’t die now.  It would be a disservice to the world and reality as a whole.

Time flies by before Robert realizes that he’s been running for nearly an hour and he finally takes a moment to stop.  The tremors have stopped and the only sound he hears is the sounds of emergency services and the aftermath of destruction.  He pulls a hankie from his pocket and dabs the sweat off of his brow.  He chuckles to himself and can’t believe how lucky he is to survive.  “And why not,” he thinks to himself, “I’ve always been lucky.  Nothing bad every happens to me.”

As his chuckling subsides, he turns to take in his surroundings and realizes that he ran all the way to the seashore.  With a sense of overall safety overtaking him, Robert pulls out his cellphone and calls his mother.  She answers weeping because she heard about the ‘quake on the news.  “It’s okay, mom,” he reassures her.  “I’m fine, I made it out.  I didn’t get a chance to have my job interview but, hey, there’s always tomorrow, right?”

“What job interview?” his mother asked.

“At Riddick, mom” he says.  “Remember?  I’m going to be their next big architect.”

His mother remains silent for a long time before Robert realizes she whispering to his father.  He can’t hear her because she probably has her hand over the phone but it sounds like she said something about how she needs to tell him.  “Um, Robert,” she finally starts, “there’s something your father and I need to tell you.”

“W-what is it?”

She hesitates for a second, “It’s…well…you never actually graduated from college.”

“What?” Robert exclaimed in utter shock.

“You failed every class and your teachers said that you didn’t have what it takes to be an architect.”

“I-I don’t understand, mom.” Robert said bewildered.

“We paid your teachers to give you good grades,” she quietly replied.  “We know we shouldn’t have done it but you were so proud of your perceived achievements.  Sure, you were just handing in pictures of houses drawn with crayons—and even one time you drew a horsey—but we couldn’t bear to see you have your dream destroyed.”

“That horsey was a horse-themed nightclub, mom!” Robert screamed.

*Actual Photo*

“It all spiraled out of control from there, sweetie,” his mother groaned.  “We struck a deal with the school to let you think you were attending and even had them print up a fake diploma for you. “

“Fake diploma?”

It seems so legit though...

“And then there was paying for your apartment because you kept sending your landlord photocopies of dollar bills—which is illegal, honey,” she continued.  “And then there are the monthly checks we send to the coffee shop to make sure your favorite coffee is ready when you get there and all the prostitutes we pay for so you think the girls like you…”


She sighs, “If your father and I knew how hard this raising a child thing would be I don’t know if we would have ever adopted you in the first place—”

“I’m adopted, too?!?” Robert screamed.

“Oh honey,” his mother sweetly stated, “I’m so sorry to be unloading this on you right now.  I know you were just through something horrendous but your running skills are all you.  Oh, you always loved to run.  You would yell, ‘Look at me mama, I’m a bird’ as you ran.  Granted, you didn’t know what birds were at the time but you were 13—you were so young.”

He still doesn't know what birds are, to be honest.

Robert dropped the phone even though his mother kept talking.  Her buzzing voice coming out the speaker faded away and was replaced by an approaching roar from the distant.  He slowly turned towards the shore and saw a giant wave approaching the city.  That must be one of those tornadoes he heard about…at least, he thinks they’re called a tornado.  With a sigh, Robert looked down and saw he was still clutching his portfolio he was going to give to the executive.  He slowly opened the folder and saw all his bright colored pictures of hippos, sunflowers and a UFO with waving aliens in it.  They would have loved those nightclubs, he thought to himself as the tsunami hit the shore and everything went black.

Before everything went black, it went a blueish/greenish/whitish color.

On the other end of the phone call, his mother stopped speaking when she realized that Robert wasn’t replying.  She tried to call again but the phone went right to voicemail.  With trembling hands, she turned off the phone and turned to her husband.  “Do you think he’s okay?”

“He better be,” her husband replied, “we spend a lot of money to have that rabbit’s foot put in his small intestine when we adopted him.”

At that moment, Robert’s dark world started to brighten as his eyes opened.  He didn’t remember the wave hitting him or how he got to where he was but he found himself floating on a buoyant piece of office furniture.  He pushed himself up to a sitting position and gazed at all the destruction around him.  He chuckled slightly to himself, “Stupid tornado.”

Also, he never got another chance to try and get the job because... would be Spoilers for the film if I  told you.  That, and Robert was
clearly not qualified.

Well, there you have it, the strange, strange odyssey of Robert Klimmer; the man in the background of single shot in San Andreas.  Stay tuned, who knows when inspiration will strike again and I see something in a film that needs a completely ridiculous and totally made up backstory.

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