Friday, October 9, 2015

5 Things I Need to Survive a Horror Film

October is upon us and that means Halloween is quickly coming.  Halloween means scary stuff and scary stuff means horror films.  We’ve all been there where we’ve been watching a horror flick and we find ourselves yelling at the screen in order to somehow break the laws of reality in a vain attempt to coach, inform or downright command the main character and get them to survive (Or die, if you are sick that way). 

Don’t lie, every single one of us has had that moment where we screamed, “Don’t go through there” or “Don’t go into the basement, dummy.”  Deep down we all know what it takes to survive a horror film because, in reality, we’re not in the horror and are watching from a safe perspective.  Well, taking that hindsight knowledge and at the request of the fine folks over at Man Crates, I’ve decided to sit down and catalog what I would need to survive a scary movie.  So, for the sake of pretend, let’s say the folks at Man Crates sent me a nice wooden crate with five things I would need to survive a zombie apocalypse or a single night at Camp Crystal Lake or even a road trip that would take me dangerously close to where inbreed creatures of the hills live and spend their quality time kidnapping passersby and eating them and making lampshades out of their skin.  

Why is there Twinkies in the crate?  Here's a different question:  Why would you ask
such a foolish question?

So, here are the 5 things I’d need to survive a horror film (I limited the number of items to 5 because 5 is a good number.  I was tempted to pretend the crate is made from Time Lord technology and is bigger on the inside but let’s be realistic here)…

And speaking of Time Lord technology, how awesome would it be to see The
Doctor go head-to-head with a famous horror franchise killer?  Answer:  Pretty damn awesome!

Number 1) A machete.  Whether you need it to split the skulls of zombies (because, remember, just like Max Brooks said in The Zombie Survival Guide:  Blades don’t need reloading) or if you need some kickass blade to chop down growth that is getting in your way when a hunter from beyond the moon is chasing you on your way to the choppa or if you just wanna look really cool a machete is the weapon to have.  You don’t necessarily need the machete to use as a weapon against the likes of Leatherface or Jason Voorhees or even need to use it as a tool to clear the way because, above all else, this thing is a great confidence booster.  It’s nearly impossible to not look cool holding one.  Seriously, try it.  Hold one and tell me you don’t feel like a badass bounty hunter or an elite warrior.

Of course, my courage with said machete might flee mighty quick when I run
into him...of course, if I run into him, it means the machete wasn't real to begin
with because I am currently in the middle of a nightmare...a nightmare that is
possibly taking place on Elm Street.

Number 2) This is a tie between both an extra car battery and a keyless entry for my car—or let’s just combine these two into a single item.  This is my list and I can make the rules.  In every horror film that involves the girl in the wet tank top and short shorts being chased by the killer, there comes a point where the girl is running towards the vehicle they took to get to the cabin that is either located near the lake or somewhere in the middle of the woods.  Once the girl gets to the car door, they always lose the ability to operate keys and, at the last second when their brain functions perfectly for them to unlock the car door and enter, the car won’t start because the battery is dead or the engine has been messed with.  A keyless entry would allow to get pass the embarrassment of scrambling with the keys and provide you amble time to remove the extra car battery from the man crate (which, conveniently, we stored in the backseat even though it meant our geeky friend who can’t get laid had to ride in the trunk on the way to the cabin—but it’s okay because by horror film law he was probably the first one killed in this scenario) and then get the thing installed before doom comes calling.  Now, if Michael Myers (or whoever is after us) decided to tear out some elements of the car engine this addition to the crate is worthless because, even with my wish for a Time Lord TARDIS-like crate, installing a new car engine before you take a butcher’s knife to the spine seems out of the realm of possibilities…even by horror film standards.

Can we all agree that every kill Myers did was impressive?  I mean, how on earth
did he see out of that damn mask?

Number 3) A nice pair of walking shoes.  Sure, this one might seem a little strange and you’re probably thinking that I should really need a pair of running shoes in order to run as fast as possible away from the leprechaun and to get away from his vengeance that comes from his belief that I took his gold…and judging by my balance on my bank account, I’m going to assume that I did, indeed, take his pot of gold.  Anyway, we’ve all seen how effective it is to run from the killer.  It usually ends in tripping on nothing and that running has an impact on your reaction time.  You don’t think straight and you panic and it allows the killer, who is usually marching at a steady, non-tripping pace, catch up to you.  If you have a pair of comfortable walking shoes and keep your pace equal of that of an early morning mall power-walker, you can stay ahead of the killer.  And heck, if you are in a zombie apocalypse, you can easily out-walk those things…unless they are the running zombies, then you might be in some trouble.

Heck, with the slow zombies you could be barefoot and never lose your lead on
these shambling things.
Number 4) A ton of extra cell phone batteries.  Look, horror movies took a long time to acknowledge the existence of this technology and how that in its existence it could solve the problems currently chasing and wishing to kill and/or eat them almost immediately.  Writers quickly solved this problem by eliminating signal, having the character forget the actual phone, breaking the device or dunking it in water or, almost the most common, the battery dying.  Technology has solved the water problem (so many phones are waterproof now and, if they aren’t, you can get a waterproof case) and having no bars is almost a non-existent problem (as long as you have a halfway decent provider) but they haven’t solved battery life.  Heck, since the rise of smart phones, battery life has severely decreased.  So, that’s why I would have a ton of extra batteries in my crate.  Leatherface may live out in the middle of Texas but, in this day and age, there is going to be signal and I’ll make sure that I have several backup batteries…at least enough of them that will keep me calling for help until his chainsaw runs out of gas or that chubby bastard gets winded.

The hardest part to believe in this film was that he was able to somehow run the entire
length of his family's driveway.

Number 5) Alright!  Here is my final item I would keep in my crate in order to survive a horror film:  a tantō; a traditional Japanese short blade.  Now, you’re probably asking, “But Rev., you already have a machete, why would you need a small sword?”  The tantō is a blade that is associated with seppuku; the samurai practice of ritualistic suicide by self-disembowelment.  Yes, I know that is dark ending for a comedy piece about surviving a horror film but let’s look at the facts:  I’m overweight, I’m geeky, I’m not very attractive and I have, in the past, smoked pot .  I’m pretty much guaranteed to be one of the first victims in a horror film no matter how much stuff I cram into my crate that might help me survive (Plot Twist, I was the geek that had to ride in the trunk on the way to the cabin that I described in Number 2).  So, since my odds are currently in favor of the House—the house probably being named Myers or Voorhees—if I can’t get away or make excellent work of my items in my crate, I’ve clearly shamed myself and my knowledge of this genre and will have to take the only honorable way out.

Well folks, there ya have it!  The five items I would need to help me survive a horror film—or, at least, end things on my terms.  Anything you’d include let me know in the comments!  And hey, check out Man Crates.  They’ll get you started on what you need if you find yourself in your own horror film situation or you just want to buy a cool gift for an awesome man in your life.

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