Lucky Bastard – 1 out of 5
It was probably only a matter of time, I guess. Despite the fact it seems that the “found footage” subgenre is finally starting to fade away, someone in the magical world of movies decided that there has to be a marriage of “found footage” and porno. Not surprisingly, the result is not very good, not at all frightening, and not even confusingly arousing.
|And since this is a "found footage" film, you know there is going to be a ton of fluff|
that pads out the running time to an hour and a half and only about 10 minutes of that
time will actually have any content to it.
Lucky Bastard is an website where average Joes become Lucky Bastards and get to have sexual intercourse with the porn stars they spend their time wacking it to. One of porn’s biggest names; Ashley Saint (Betsy Rue), is asked by the man behind the Bastard; Mike (Don McManus), to do him a solid and take a solid from a Lucky Bastard of her choosing. Reluctantly, she agrees and picks the seemingly harmless Dave (Jay Paulson). However, as the day goes by and the fuckening gets closer, Dave’s supposedly harmless demeanor starts to change and become a little more disturbing…then he snaps and all potential boning and sexy sex turns into pure terror.
|Director - "And then you get naked..."|
Crew - "When does the thriller part start?"
Director - "The what?"
Of course, I am being generous in my synopsis about this film turning into something terrifying because it really doesn’t do that at all. In fact, the movie is pretty freakin’ boring. So much so that if I ever find myself suffering from insomnia again, I’m just going to put myself through the torture of watching Lucky Bastard all over again and *BOOM* instantly cured. Why is this movie so awful? Is it the acting? Partially. However, the biggest and most glowing stain on this used mattress of a film is the fact everything about it is stretched and stretched so that every single second of the film is dragging out longer than how I am currently constructing this sentence.
|Thrill at the emotional rollercoaster and heart-pounding chills that is Lucky Bastard!|
First, I’ll touch on the acting. I have to say that Don McManus was very good in the film. He is giving a very strong performance throughout the entire film and is, without a doubt, the most believable actor in the film. The rest of the cast…not so much. Everyone is way too cheesy or unbelievable in their role. Whether it be Chris Wylde as the cameraman who comes off flat or Betsy Rue and Jay Paulson hamming it up like this is a community theater production, the acting only seems to show how little thought and potential horror the film really has placed within its story and plot.
|Seriously though, McManus was probably the only good thing about this film--|
nope, I'm wrong. He was the only good thing.
Entire scenes—shit, nearly the entire movie—plays out like there was no script but a piece of scratch paper with a simple idea on it. The end result is a group of actors who look like they are improvising all their scenes but all collectively look like they are unfamiliar with the concept of improvisation and end up making Michael Scott’s improv look brilliant and the work of a phenomenally creative mind. So, in that sense, it looks like all “found footage” films.
|Victim in the film or victim of the film?|
Nothing looks realistic in Lucky Bastard. Even when Chris Wylde and another cameraman are laughing hysterically at Jay Paulson’s character, it just ends up looking fake as they even stretch out the premise of someone laughing at someone else’s expense to the point it just looks horribly acted. They just laughed too hard and for too long for it to even look remotely real. That’s basically the entire film in a nutshell. Every scene will go and go and the actors all look confused as if whether they should keep going or not, so there is tons of hesitation and completely hopeless looks by the performers on what they should do next. This ends up killing the whole reason the film was produced.
|Oh, I get it. Because the film involves a porn crew, there had to be a guy with a|
porn 'stache. Nice work, movie. Very deep.
|"You guys ever wonder what it would be like to touch a cloud...|
I mean, I'm a dangerous scary man! Arrrr!"
On that little piece of scrap that the movie’s ideas came from, it says this film is suppose to be tension-filled and a little bit of unsettling and scary mixed in because Dave goes off the deep end and is ready to kill all who stand in his way of conquering Sex Mountain with his favorite porn star. The problem is that all those scenes that go on way too long end up going to such a length that any potential terror that should be coming with it is lost in the boredom of trying to conclude if the director just forgot to yell “cut” or if the editor stepped out for a cigarette when editing pretty much every scene—or maybe just had a grudge with the production and put in all the unusable takes. When the disturbing part is suppose to be here, it’s already lost because every scene will stay in one place for too long and look way too confused on how to proceed to the next.
|She spat in his face and, for the record, that is probably the least threatening bodily|
fluid you could get shot in your face on the set of a porno.
|Some people take their porn very seriously.|
Matters aren’t helped by the fact that Jay Paulson just can’t pull off the deeply disturbed and potentially horrifying angry and hurt character that Dave is suppose to be. Sure, he has a moment here and there where his character’s frustration looks palpable and believable but, for the most part, he looks unsure of himself and, instead, just settles for repeating himself over an over again than actually making any headway with his character and his psychotic tendencies. Things aren’t improved when a majority of your cast can’t really pull of the “frightened for their lives reactions” that are required when the shit finally hits the fan in the film.
|Then again...this is about as frightening as Dave gets. So, the weak reactions have|
a bit of reasoning to them.
Lucky Bastard is just lazy. It suffers from all the usual falls that the “found footage” platforms find themselves trapped under. The movie does almost nothing to build up to the unhinged terror that the film’s climax is suppose to be (it’s takes an entire hour before the “terror” even starts—an HOUR!), the characters have almost no depth to them, the acting is terribly cheesy and often laughable, and the film just plain didn’t care if it added anything that could potentially lead to something terrifying or even interesting. To put it very bluntly, Lucky Bastard is boring and I’m not kidding that I almost fell asleep several times.
|And when I wasn't falling asleep, I looked like this over my failure of stopping |
the boredom when I had the chance.