The Legend of Hercules – 1 out of 5
|"How dull can I be with such obvious wire-assisted jumps?"|
|It's not the King who rules...it's his beard.|
|For a hero, Hercules sure stands like he just pissed himself.|
|"My brother may be the son of a god and incredibly dull|
but at least I'm a total puss...and just as dull actually."
|"Do a Hercules movie, they said. It'll be a great, action-packed follow up to|
Spartacus, they said. Meanwhile Crixus is kicking ass on Arrow..."
It's as if the director is saying, “Yes, our love story is monotonous and one-dimensional but wait till you see what we do with our action sequences…they’re even worse!” How on Earth can you have a story containing Greek mythology and water it down to the point that the only reason the film has a PG-13 rating is because of pantomimed sex?
|Seriously, this has to be the only reason it didn't get a G-rating.|
|"Help, there's clearly no way I can get out. Hercules|
has bested me."
|"Are you not entertained?!?"|
"No, we're not. You're boring and lack interest."
Of course, the fact that Hercules was played by a dude from Twilight didn’t help things either.
There’s no point in playing coy, the only reason Kellan Lutz got the job of playing Hercules is because of his physique. The guy has great abs but can’t act for shit and, seemingly, the production thought that was fine because they allowed his minimalist reactions and emotional output for each and every scene and still thought enough of the final product to release it unto the world in, I’m assuming, a false sense of hope that they would somehow make their money back. Lutz has absolutely no range whatsoever and he really only has two speeds in this film: He either looks like he just woke up from a nap and immediate pounded down an entire Thanksgiving meal and chased it with an entire bottle of horse tranquilizers or he just growls and yells. I guess, however, this all makes sense with the overall composition of the film because there was no care put into the forgettable fight scenes, the special effects look worse than something you would have seen in the 70s and 80s and the story just feels like it died halfway through and no one noticed; so why not cast your main character with someone who looks like he’s too confused to understand what is going on?
|Oh, he's hulking out! This could be big...|
|...Or he just rips off the top of the pillars.|
|"Fear my poorly CG'ed lighting sword!"|