Friday, May 31, 2013

A Good Day to Die Hard

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Yippie-Kay-Yay, Mother Father (*content edited*)



A Good Day to Die Hard – 2 out of 5


Damn…I really wanted to like this movie. I was excited for it when I saw the trailer and sat down with anticipation that I would get some awesome McClane/Yippi-Kay-Ya, Motherfucker action…but I didn’t get that. Instead, I got a Die Hard film that just was utterly disappointing…but at least it gave me some decent action. That’s got to count for something…right?

Right?


Wrong.


So, John McClane is back and he is getting all Comrade all over your vodka-chugging asses (whoa…did I just get racist against Russians?). After finding out his son was put in prison for murder, McClane (Bruce Willis—but like I really had to say who played him, COME ON!) travels to the country that, according to movies, is made entirely out of vodka, overcast skies, abandoned factories that are used for housing insane raves full of people in a lot of fur and leather and loads of snow—he went to Russian, is what I’m trying to say. Soon he finds his son Jack (Jai Courtney) after he breaks free from being detained and John finds out that his son is actually a spy sent to stop a nuclear heist from going down. Now, the McClane crew must work together to kick some ass…and…I don’t know…make their enemies die hard? (There, that is my obligatory stupid use of the title in the review that most critics are so fond of and think it makes them awesome.)


Jack's shirt isn't red...it's just stained with the blood of his enemies.


I really, REALLY wanted to like this movie because I’m a fan of the Die Hard films (yes, even Live Free or Die Hard—I await your negative comments about how I’m wrong and stupid and should die for liking a movie you hate) but I was so incredibly disappointed with this one. However, I was filled with such optimism that McClane wouldn’t let me down that it wasn’t until the movie was practically over that I was honest with myself and admitted that I found the film to be boring, unimaginative and just something that looks like it was thrown together last minute.


Do you really wanna die hard with that face on your mug, McClane?



Nice Hans Gruber impression...very detailed.
 I’ve accepted that McClane will never again be the Average Joe cop he once was that gets thrown into a shitstorm and is forced to climb a seemingly insurmountable mountain of well dressed, extremely well armed and incredibly wealthy European terrorists. I’ve accepted that he will get his ass handed to him but will make sure that, in the end, he’ll get the last shot off and come off victorious. I’m okay with the fact he is no longer that person but rather a super soldier on steroids that is, basically, unstoppable. However, he still pretty much had some limitations that made him human and made it look like he was an everyday kind of guy who is forcefully thrown into a situation he doesn’t want to be in but has enough integrity that he sticks it out. Even in the last film (yeah, I’m pretty much signing my death-by-down votes on Reddit by admitting I liked it) when he was almost literally throwing cars barehanded at helicopters (that happened right?), there was a sense he was still just a regular guy; albeit a small sense.


"My dad is just a regular guy...which is how I learned to become a
super spy."


This time, there is no semblance. Whether it be John leaping out of a 30th floor window and landing safely or standing in the open and fire at a never-ending horde of enemies and not getting his ass shot enough times to give him rapper street cred a million times over or walking away from car crash after car crash with just a couple of cuts on the top of his bald head (remember, he had hair when this franchise started…but, I guess, if you can’t go a year or two without having to fight some form of terrorists or their revenge-happy brother, you would probably lose your hair too), McClane is no longer the man he was when the series started (in more ways than just his hair)—but that’s understandable because a character has to develop over time—but he, somewhere along the way, was injected with whatever Captain America has in his veins, ingested some of The Hulk’s piss, had a blood transfusion from Spidey or is, secretly, another lost son of Krypton because he is no longer the cop running barefoot through broken glass to stop Alan Rickman and is now, basically, a superhero and it’s kinda annoying.


"I shared needles with Superman today, son.  We can fly now."



When you're a villain that built and that covered in
tattoos, you're legally required to not wear a shirt.
 But not as annoying as the constant yelling John McClane does throughout the film. And I don’t mean yelling as in “Grr, angry growl yelling because I am being shot at by assholes and I’m prepared to dish out death for that” but rather “I’m a whiny father yelling at his son for not listening” and “I’m yelling really shitty one-liners that are neither witty or amusing because the scriptwriter clearly had a deadline he had to meet.” This constant whiny (and, continuous use of yelling his son’s name) really felt out of character for John McClane and ended up making an entire chase sequence towards the beginning of the film (a chase sequence that, according to my rudimentary calculations, most likely killed at least 1,436 innocent civilians…and that’s on the low side of my estimate) something less of an awesome spectacle and more of a grating and awful thing to experience because I found myself not paying attention to all the smashing and twisting metal and found myself hoping that Bruce Willis would just keep his mouth closed and not call out to his son (who is in a completely different vehicle…HE CAN’T HEAR YOU, JOHN!  Just like you can't hear me because this is text and John McClane is a fictional character.)


Not a single person survived...but these crashes were by people hoping to block
out McClane's constant shouting.


While it was cool to see John get to reunite with his son (who is really only established and nothing more throughout the franchise) and have an adventure with him (having his daughter added to the mix was another thing I enjoyed about LFODH…IMDb users are warming up their “you’re a faggot” comments) but the writers completely skipped over the rich, fertile land of dramatic tension this could bring to fruition (because Jack has some Daddy issues) and, instead, made Jack a super spy with the same superhuman abilities as his father. This just ends up further pushing the line that this film is just another generic action film.


"Why didn't you buy me that Nintendo, Dad!  I hate you and your constant
saving the day from terrorism."



I'm assuming this leads to a Stargate or a star-like
gate.
 Things only get worse when you realize that the film doesn’t really have a villain or decent antagonist for the McClane boys to battle. Oh, there is a bad guy but he lacks the charisma and screen presence that all the other baddies throughout the franchise that John has face (like Timothy Olyphant in Live Free or Die Hard—okay, at this point I’m just antagonizing you and daring you to call me a shit head for liking that one). We don’t get a Hans or Simon Gruber or even a freaking Col. Stuart. We have no real bad dude giving any real immediate threat to the McClane squad. Sure, there’s a terrorist like man in the film ready to unleash some hell on the world but there was just no immediate threat that was palpable in the story. Even the minions that McClane fights have no real screen presence and only come off as a wave of faceless bad guys John and Jack are ready to mow down with little regard to their safety because they are in full-on God-mode at the time.


"Unlimited ammo, noobs.  LOL!"


Aside from these very harmful factors, the rest of the film is…decent. Bruce Willis and Jai Courtney are adequate in their roles while the rest of the cast is…well, there. The action sequences are passable and are over-the-top in such a way that they are memorable but, at the same time, are TOO over-the-top so they end up becoming too ridiculous to really appreciate. I also enjoyed that they decided against trying to appeal to a mass audience and just went with the much appreciated R-rating (that was the one thing I didn’t like about Live Free or Die Hard—but then they made it up to me with the Unrated DVD release!).


At least another 20 innocent villains died to kill the 6 bad guys pictured.



Insert your own J.J. Abrams joke.
 As I stated earlier, I really wanted to enjoy A Good Day to Die Hard. I love the other films (remember, I liked Live Free or Die Hard…I await being told I’m a fucking moron from The Internet) and I love the character of John McClane but this film felt like a Die Hard film in name only. The drastic departure from the familiar formula and familiar characters, a lack of even a passable bad guy and action sequences that, in the end, weren’t that spectacular really ended up hurting all enjoyment factor I could possibly have received from this movie…and that just made me sad.

Escape from Planet Earth

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! *Insert Futurama reference of the Professor saying he doesn't want to live on this planet anymore*



Escape from Planet Earth – 3 out of 5

Escaping planet Earth…a dream I have every time I see a “Copy & Paste/90% won’t have the guts to repost” status on Facebook and when I spend even a minute reading the comments on even the simplest, most innocent of YouTube videos. Alas, this is not about my dream of leaving a world that, at times, feels like it is filled with the criminally insane and/or homicidal with their angry (seriously, it is a video about a chinchilla eating a peanut, did you have to get so racist, homophobic and Pat Robertson-y in your comment MadDoggPussy420?)—nope, instead I’m talking about the animated movie.
To Boldly Go...and NOT read the comment section on ANYTHING on the 'net.


Without a guy with crazy hair, how will I know what these
three things are?
 Escape from Planet Earth tells the tale of Scorch Supernova (Brendan Fraser); a brave astronaut on the planet Baab, and his older brother; Gary (Rob Corddry). After receiving a distress signal from the planet known only as The Dark Planet, Scorch, with his head all aflame with hot-headedness, charges towards the planet after Gary begrudgingly tells him not to. If only Admiral Ackbar was around because he would have told Scorch that it was a trap and he is captured by the evil General Shanker (William Shatner) and held in Area 51—in case you haven’t guessed yet, The Dark Planet is Earth…

I forgot for a second that this review is in text form and was patiently waiting for a “Dum Dum DUMMMM!!!" or even a thunder strike.

I bet he got a thunder strike or dramatic musical tone.


Now it’s up to Gary to go to Earth to save his brother…except he gets caught too. Oops. However, they soon learn that the General is using aliens to build a secret project that could spell doom for aliens all over the immense galaxy.

Escape is, when you boil it down, just an unimaginative, generic animated movie that will appeal to the younger viewers (because kids are stupid, duh!) than it will to a mixing collective of kids and adults like, say, a Pixar film would.

It's probably not the best idea to show your vastly superior competitor in
your cheap animated movie.

The movie has a fantastic cast of great actors working on the film (and for some reason, William Shatner and George Lopez). It was nice to see Rob Corddry providing the voice for the lead character and it was also great to hear Fraser backing him up as Scorch. The movie also treats us to some humorous scenes with Ricky Gervais as a snotty computer program, Steve Zahn and Chris Parnell as some (possibly stoned) alien enthusiasts, along with Craig Robinson and Jane Lynch (who’s legally required to be in at least three animated movies a year now) as some aliens in Area 51. Unfortunately, for each great actor we have bringing their character to life, we have the mysterious inclusion of actors who are barely relevant anymore or don’t really fit the character they are hired to voice.


If only they knew about the probing stereotype...or maybe they do.


Jessica Alba, who is shockingly doing a voice over role (shocking when you consider her career only exists because she has the ability to make men’s pants a size smaller due to her looks—and NOT her acting ability), plays the role of a turncoat on the planet Baab and her performance is about as attention capturing as you would imagine from a girl who is only known as being something pretty to look at. It didn’t help matters that the character, despite the level of promise it held, was pretty weak and forgettable.

So...A.I.M. works for Area 51?


Then you have George Lopez, who apparently still has a career somehow after riding the wave a single group of stereotype jokes his stand-up career produced and bad sitcom premises his show had, could not have sounded more out of place as he voiced the slug-like alien of Thurman. Lopez’s performance isn’t terrible or uninspired like Alba’s but his voice just didn’t seem like it belonged to the character. It’s like when you see a big bulky bodybuilder of a man and find out he talks like Mickey Mouse. The image and the voice just didn’t seem to go together.

Thurman, seen hear question how the man who voices him has a career.



Jesus, even Shatner's animated form is overacting.
 Finally you have William Shatner, the crowned prince of over-acting, playing the devious General William Shanker (very subtle). Despite not being a fan of Star Trek, I’m a fan of Shatner because he redefined what the word “acting” meant. He basically took the word and made it his bitch as he showed that to be an actor, you don’t actually have to act at all and he made the scenery-chewing, hammy style of overacting that was usually reserved for community college drama departments and local theaters and made it something that could actually turn one into a full-fledged star. That being said, his voice was another voice that didn’t really fit the character. General Shanker is meant to be a horrendous human being who uses aliens for his own personal gain—and he looks the part—but when he opens his mouth, he sounds less like a gruff General that is victimizing far-flung species from other worlds and more like a dweeby guy name Mort who works the pretzel stand at your local mall. Like Lopez, Shatner isn’t performing poorly; rather, it’s just another case where the character design doesn’t fit the voice.

Incredibly subtle homage with the name of the General.


And speaking of character design (like that transition?)…

There’s nothing particular wrong with the character design and animation in Escape from Planet Earth but it doesn’t do much to really be that spectacular either. While many of the backgrounds and objects in the film look and are rendered fantastically, the characters themselves are kinda bland and vanilla in their presentation. Overall, (other than looking entirely like this film is a sequel to—or at least, set in the same universe as—Planet 51) the movie looks like a generic Nickelodeon computer animated cartoon. Rainmaker Entertainment, despite this being their film debut, doesn’t really seem like they have the chops to compete with the likes of DreamWorks and Pixar and look more like they are molded for a life of Direct-to-DVD features or TV (oh wait, they already are). I’m not saying the animation is bad but, like the film’s plot and story (and some of its casting choices), it lacks imagination and felt like it was giving out the most minimum of effort. The animation won’t make you disgusted but it felt like Rainmaker could have pushed the envelope a little harder to prove they can run with the big dogs.

Come on, you just stole that design for that gun from NERF, Rainmaker Entertainment.


Escape from Planet Earth isn’t a terrible animated film; it won’t make you give up on this golden era of animated movie were in. The sad truth is that this film is more for the younger audiences and isn’t something the whole family can experience and have popcorn fights after enjoying the animated goodness (other people do that, right?). Kids might find the film amusing and hilarious but more adults will probably be like me and find that much of the humor was forced and rarely was there even a chuckle moment (those moments were, of course, provided by Ricky Gervais—that’s just science). While it was nice to see Rob Corddry getting a starring role (because the man deserves it, he’s awesome—also science), the film just wasn’t that spectacular enough to warrant his presence (once again, science). Overall, the film is a decent kid’s movie that just isn’t inspired, unique, imaginative or technically that advance enough to be a film that an adult could appreciate alongside their kids, their niece or nephew or feral child that has made its nest in your family room and you are too busy soiling your undergarments to do anything about it.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Warm Bodies

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Um...brains?



Warm Bodies – 3 out of 5

It’s hard to come up with a true, unique and genre-bending zombie movie that isn’t just humans trying to shoot some zombies in the head and not have their brains munched on. Sometimes they go the comedy route (like Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland) and they work but, still, are your typical zombie movie. Does Warm Bodies blow the doors off the zombie film genre and do something truly original?

Relax zombie, I will answer that question later in this review...possibly towards the end--
but don't skip to the end to find out.  Read the entire thing, zombie.


Based on the novel of the same name by Isaac Marion and loosely based on Romeo and Juliet (you know, that movie with Leo), Warm Bodies tells the story of a strange zombie (later referred to as R and played by Nicholas Hoult) who feels like he doesn’t belong with the rest of the shuffling horde. R, explained in his internal monologue, seems to be trying to find the humanity he lost as he spends his nights in a furnished airplane and tries to hold conversations with his zombie buddy M (Rob Corddry). One day when the human population sends out some younglings to look for supplies, R ends up mauling and eating a man named Perry (Dave Franco—James’ very untalented younger brother) and his decaying eyes come across Julie (Teresa Palmer) and his heart starts to beat again and he falls in love. R quickly saves Julie (get it now? R and Julie? Romeo and Juliet.) and protects her from the rest of his walking dead compatriots. Through the use of, for lack of a better word, music video sequences, R and Juliet start to warm up to each other and their connection wakes up something in R and it has a ripple effect throughout the zombies as their hearts start to beat again and they begin to search for their lost lives. This new phenomenon means that humans and the zombies can now live in peace but it means danger to the zombies as the humans will prove to be reluctant to trust them and the farther gone zombies—the ones who are so deteriorated and decomposed that they are basically just walking, feral bag of bones (nicknamed Bonies) that feed on anything with a heartbeat now have a hunger for both humans and zombies like R and M.

"So...you humans wanna get a pizza or something?"


For the most part, I enjoyed Warm Bodies and found it to be a slightly humorous, sweet, endearing and cute (did I really just call this movie cute?) zombie romantic comedy (a zom rom com, if you will). The film is never really flat out funny and really only elicited me saying, “That’s amusing,” rather than actually laughing at all. Not to mention that the evolution of the zombies and seeing them rediscover what they lost when they turned was surprisingly emotional and touching to see. However, the film has a few problems that kept the movie from being something beyond a zombie comedy and keeps it at being just a middle-of-the-road, okay film for me.

She's not recoiling because he's a zombie...but because he didn't wash his
hands after using the bathroom...5 years ago right before he turned into a zombie.


Imagine if a zombie stumbled into that door in
Being John Malkovich.
First off, Nicholas Hoult is great as R—especially when you consider how difficult it must be to play a zombie that doesn’t want to be a zombie and is conscious enough to realize it and he is backed up with a tremendous performance from Rob Corddry—I enjoyed Corddry’s performance so much that I wanted to see more of him and have his character have an even larger presence in the story. The film even rounds out its cast with the veteran John Malkovich who, despite not being in the film very much, does a decent job. The real downside to the cast comes in the fact you have to deal with James Franco's typecast brother playing the same role he plays in everything he’s in (you know, the snarky and sarcastic douche bag but, thankfully, he isn't in the film very long) and Teresa Palmer just wasn’t that spectacular in her role. 

"Hey...you got something on your shirt...leftover flesh...wait, is that a piece
of asshole?  I thought you were on a diet."


Palmer isn’t flat out terrible but she’s just a generic blond-haired, blue-eyed white girl who does little to stand out in this film and probably could have been played by a thousand different ladies in the realm of the acting game and the character could have had even the smallest improvement. A majority of her scenes, she just looks like she was guided in by the director and was instructed to read the lines from the script and not much beyond that. At no point did I really see her try to stand out or even give credence to why R would have fallen in love with her and spare her from his natural instinct to consume human flesh.  Even when the credits hit, I didn't fully understand the exact nature of R's attraction to Julie since the woman didn't really to seem to have much going on for her.  I found myself saying, "Her?"

This is probably the most emotion you get from her the entire movie.


Secondly, there are some really poor special effects going on. I speak solely of the Bonies. While they look cool, the instant they move all illusion of coolitude is lost since they flow about as well as early 90s computer animation. Things become even more unbearable to witness when they attack and fight their more intact zombie brethren. It just looks sloppy as it’s rare when the movement of the zombie actors match the Bonies (damn, my fingers keep trying to type “Bronies” for some mysterious and possibly frightening reason). There’s even a scene where I clearly could see a zombie extra struggling with a Bonie but there wasn't a Bonie rendered near him—so he was basically wrestling the invisible man...or invisible Bonie.

Hmm, the Bonies look like a girl I once dated.

There are some romcom rules that even zombies
can't eradicate.
Finally, the one thing that hurt the film most for me was the way a majority of the film’s narrative is expressed through long sequences that are, pretty much, music videos for really shitty hipster rock bands. I understand that R has difficulty communicating with Julie and you can’t have all of R’s emotions and thoughts expressed through his internal monologue but just playing some generic pop rock acoustic song while watching R and Julie do something ended up making the film look cheap to me. As these sequences pile up (and we are even treated to a make-over musical montage because, even with zombies, you can’t escape the most basic of romcom clichés), it starts to make the film feel low on the creative scale as it looked like the director said, “Just slap another bad Top 40 rock song over this scene so we understand how R is feeling…I’m trying to create a Warm Bodies drinking game here, people.” I realize this seems like an annoyingly specific complaint but the overuse of the film’s soundtrack to create emotional cues not only became way too repetitive but ended up really showing how little emotion and skill Teresa Palmer had going into this film and how underutilized Nicholas Hoult was being used with his tremendous performance.

Seriously, just look at him staring...he's staring the fuck out of his performance.


Warm Bodies isn't a genre-defying, mind-blowing zombie movie but it’s a lot more than “just slap some zombies in it so the idiots will throw their money at us” like say…oh, I don’t know…Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (yeah, I know a lot of people liked it but that shit felt phoned in to me). It wasn’t as funny as I hoped it would be but it was definitely more heart-warming and endearing that I anticipated. There’s no doubt about it that this film has its problems (and those problems stop it from being the genre-exploding film it could be) but these issues don’t completely obliterate the film. While these issues may be annoying, Warm Bodies is still a pretty decent, unique zombie movie that has some heart and is capable of pulling the plug on the tear ducts and letting the salty river of liquid flow.

Zombiez

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Please, if you plan on watching this film I beg you, download it illegal.  DO NOT pay any money for it.  The filmmakers don't deserve your cash.



Zombiez – 1 out of 5

For reasons that are even a mystery to me, I stick to a very strict rating system with my reviews. As you know, my entertainment value from the movies I watch are judged from a 1 to 5 scale—1 being absolutely atrocious (although it may have value as a film to make fun of) and 5 being something just outright fucking awesome! I don’t do half points (no, 1.5 or 3.141592653) and I don’t give out zeroes. Although there have been times I’ve been tempted to give out a good ole goose egg to some films but I never do it…HOWEVER, I have never been so tempted to break my rating system than after watching the 2005 Direct-to-DVD video Zombiez (yes, they added a “z” at the end).

A bigger mystery than the "z" at the end is the fact they felt the need to establish that
this locale was 20 miles away from a working toilet...and it never comes into play in
the story!


**Warning: As hard as I will try, this movie was so bad there is literally no way that I can have even a small semblance of courtesy or kindness in this review. It’s going to get mean spirited and mean spirited fast!**

FUCK THIS MOVIE!!!  Oops, it got mean spirited faster than I thought it would.


"Aren't you going to compliment my scarf?"


Let's get back on track.


"Yeah, my scarf is clearly making this film."


I’m going to do my best to try and give a synopsis to a film that, basically, had no story (and don’t even think for one god damn second they actually had a plot—I’m pretty sure the filmmakers thought the word “plot” is another word for taking a dump or probably a word that is even more foreign to them and frightens them like cavemen who just discovered fire—cowering in fear over the new, scary word while grunting at it furiously while one may build up enough courage to take a swipe at it)…So, the film centers on a girl named Josephine (Jenicia Garcia—like it really freakin’ matters if I mention the actress because who has really heard of her?) who finds out that there are kill hungry zombies out to get her. She’s first attacked at her work and, afterwards, seeks the warm embrace of her husband at home in order to forget the trauma. After stripping to her underpants in order to tell her hubby the horror that happened to her at work (yes, that happened and it made no sense), the zombies (or zombiez) kidnap her and her husband. Eventually she breaks free and the real meat of the story takes place as she goes on a mad spree to locate her husband—and by real meat of the story, I mean that the next portion of the film is a whole series of her running around being chased by people who are zombies only because you are told they are zombies.

"Now that my clothes are off, I feel comfortable enough to confide in you the
trauma I experienced today."


Eventually, Josephine finds her way back to her job (a majority of the chase takes place in some woods because the production could only film in an industrial park and a public park apparently) where she discovers that a man who calls himself The Dr. (played by Jackeem Sellers—but, once again, who cares who plays these parts because they literally have no development whatsoever to them and the only reason I know their names is because of IMDb—most of the movie I thought they were named The Girl and the Bad Guy). It seems The Dr. has unleashed the zombies out in the world (that’s right, they’re the Voodoo-type of zombie—or zombiez—not the undead kind, so they talk, taunt, constantly look at the camera, grab their dicks when running—or maybe they’re just trying to keep their pants up?—and act incredibly poorly) anyway, he unleashed these zombiez into the world in order to rule the streets. Oh, and there’s a twist at this point but you really can’t call it a twist considering it is barely in the film as it is—not to mention they only focus on this so-called twist for about 20 seconds before NEVER COMING BACK TO IT AGAIN!!! So, it now becomes time for Josephine to get her husband back from The Dr. (the reason The Dr. leaves him alive while killing all other people who comes his way is never explained…but not explaining anything is 90% of the film. The other 10% is watching Josephine run—leaving her ass the entire focus point—and very obvious plastic knives and weapons bought on wholesale from a Halloween Express).

Yes, very convincing weapon.


To put it simply, this is one of the worst films I have ever seen. If you make it through the entire film without slicing your wrists and giving up on the idea of ever finding beauty in this world again the producers should send you a check for $10,000 and then pay for your therapy. It is that bad. I would rather sit through Avatar again while someone continuously pokes me in the eye and twists my nipples (and, if you follow the blog, I HATE Avatar...strangely I'm okay on the eye poking and I'm on the fence for the nipple twisting). The only way to get through this mess of a film is to be high on marijuana that was grown on another planet and produces a high that actually creates a better film in your brain. You basically have to make fun of the film the entire running length or you’ll go mad and start throwing your own feces and pulling out your hair in the first 15 minutes.

Here, enjoy a shot of a river...don't worry, it'll make sense when you read
the next paragraph.


I’ve already explained the film barely has a story going for it and there isn’t a plot in sight. The movie just lazily jumps from chase sequence to chase sequence with no real motivation or explanation. Hell, there’s even a sequence where I guess Josephine crossed a river and this is only a guess because you don’t see it. Instead, you see a shot of a river and then it cuts to Josephine all wet, so we are left to assume (see, I told you the river shot would make sense). Even after the first zombie attack, Josephine is questioned by a cop but the officer handcuffs her to a truck while questioning her. The problem here is that we never see this. The zombies zombiez are around, we hear some sirens (but never see a cop car because it’s very obvious the production couldn’t afford a cop car or even an unmarked pre-owned Crown Vic), the zombiez run away and then it fades to black. Once we return, we see Josephine handcuffed and we are suddenly left to fill-in-the-blanks because this movie follows the seldom adhered to rule of “Don’t Show, Don’t Tell and just let your audience guess what you are trying to convey."

They won't show us a cop car but they're kind enough to show this zombie
eating this man's asshole.


Then you get to the copious amounts of continuity errors this film throws at you. It’s clear editing was about as complicated and foreign to the editor hired for this project as not being a date rapist is to a person belonging to a frat. A cat just walking on a keyboard while an editing program is open could accidentally edit a better film and probably create one with a more coherent and intelligent story. The most amusing continuity error has to belong to the underpants of the character Josephine. While this may make me look like a pervert, you can see that Josephine is wearing at least a half of dozen different pairs of underwear throughout the film. Mind you, the film’s story takes place over a single day and we see Josephine in her undergarments (because of the mysterious scene where she has to remove her clothes to tell her husband that she witness a man killed and eaten—but, then again, I tend to get fully nude when bad stuff happens to me, like when I got the wrong change at Subway the other day) and, because of that mysterious scene, it’s establish what style and color of underpants she is sporting. As I mentioned before, the chase scenes LOVED having Josephine’s ass dominate the shot and, thanks to a lack of a belt and the jeans she’s rocking, we constantly get glimpses of what is underneath—and it changes about every 10 minutes.

"You're not getting another close-up on my ass, are you?"
"No, of course not."



I guess it's suppose to be gore but it looks more like
his gut is taking a shit.

Next up…the make-up. While it’s kinda/sort-of established that these aren’t the undead, decaying bodies, assholes falling out the back of their pants zombies but rather the Voodoo sort where they are under the influence of a drug and being controlled to be killers who like to wield plastic sickles and butcher knives. But, despite this, there still needs to be some sort of gore because one of the things that people love about zombie movies is the gore, so you have to throw it in—besides, it’s not like the movie is putting anything else into its film; you know, things like effort, money, passable acting, a script, technical know-how, decent editing, lighting, bearable sound, a story, plot…etc. The problem with the gore is the fact it looks just like the rest of the film; read that as the production was clearly not trying. The film opens with the zombiez having some red corn syrup smeared on their faces and their clothes torn—occasionally, you get some sausages thrown in to be intestines and chunks of jellö are tossed in order to showcase that our bodies are filled with... jellö, I guess—the best part of these “gore” scenes is the obvious fact that the bodies are not ripped open to get to the innards of the “victim” but just placed on top of the actor because fuck realism. I imagine the man they found wandering the park and made their make-up designer took the fake blood, dipped his fingers in it and put it on the faces of the actors and said, “WALLA! Here are your zombies!”

So...yeah...these are suppose to be zombies.


Pictured:  Zombiez.
 Towards the center of the film, they clearly just stopped giving a fuck as we see some zombies that have perfect clothes intact and not a single drop of bargain basement Halloween blood on them. Then, as if remembering that they were actually making a movie and not just filming themselves goofing around, the zombies now get blood-stained clothes towards the film’s end (but nothing on their faces...with the exception of the pirate zombie with an eye patch). But, by this point, death has become the object of the viewer’s desire and not a single fuck is given towards this half-assed attempt at making a zombie actually look like a zombie (even a Voodoo one).


Something tells me the eye patch guy brought his own eye patch.


Then you have the atrocious acting—as if this film didn’t have enough problems going for it. It would be easy to pick on poor Jenicia Garcia as Josephine because she is terrible and seems physically impaired when it comes to an attempt at real human emotion but, the reality is, her part was mostly running, some very unconvincing fighting, a limp that comes and goes after she breaks her leg (it’s never actually established if she breaks her leg because that scene is just a confusing mess…like the rest of the film) and making sure her ass is pushed back enough when running to fog up the camera lens and possible crack the damn glass on the thing. So it’s no surprise that she can’t act for shit. The rest of the cast is filled with people who were either escaped mental patients who are too mystified by the fact there is a camera in front of them to even try (besides, they can’t stop looking at that sexy, sexy camera anyway) or people who either are friends with the director or have some blackmail materials on him and scammed their way into the production.

"What's that, Mr. Director?  Compliment the scarf some more?"


The true top choice of bad acting this film has comes in the form of Jackeem Sellers as The Dr. Not only is there absolutely nothing established about this character before he arrives (and nothing really is established afterwards either) but Sellers performance is so laughably bad that it becomes the only reason to watch the film—even though doing so is risking death. It’s clear Sellers believes he is a legitimate threat in the film—despite, like the rest of the film, it’s never established that he is, indeed, any kind of threat. However, the humor comes from the fact that Sellers, most likely, has lived a sheltered life and is unfamiliar with how a threatening person is suppose to compose themselves. To Sellers, to be a frightening person means whispering all your lines (and they gave him way too many or were way, WAY too lenient on the allotment of improvisation going on-set) and always putting your hands out to the side.

"I love you 'this much'--I mean, I'm 'this tough.'"

He's got one move and, dammit, he's going to get all the use out of it he can.

"I don't know what else to do with my arms!!!!"

Okay, it's just ridiculous now.


Sellers, through his immensely bad acting, pretty much saved the film—but not in the way the production would have wanted him to. It’s obvious he believes he’s a very talented actor and thinks he’s a badass in his performance and, it’s in this false sense of superiority, that makes the film something to watch because it rewards the infinitely patient (possibly deranged) viewer for sticking around through this downright awful piece of shit. Granted, every single second of this film is mock-worthy but Sellers’ takes it to a whole new level with the hammiest performance this side of a community college drama department. Even Helena Bonham Carter found his acting to be a little heavy-handed as Sellers make William Shatner look downright dramatic and realistic.

And then this happens…

*SLAP*

"Goodness, I've been struck across the face by that woman's palm."

"Hopefully no harm has come to me...let me check.  Yep, I'm alright...
Now I shall check with the other hand."

"Oh dear me, a fountain of blood has suddenly, and mysteriously, erupted
from my mouth region."

"It's almost like I had a mouth full of fake blood that I spit out unconvincingly
while my hand had my mouth concealed."


I could figuratively go on forever about how truly, absolutely, indisputably terrible Zombiez is. Everything about this film either was done to below (far below) the bare minimum, phoned in or just abandoned outright. There is not a single thing that works in this film and if you are able to make it past 15 minutes of the terrible acting, bad editing, lack of story and plot and all around shit this movie craps out and expects zombie fans to ingest, than you are a borderline superhero who deserves a parade.  A deaf, dumb and blind kid (even without immense pinball skills) could make a better and more coherent film. 


In case you're wondering, yes, that zombie is holding his dick while running.


I’ve seen enough bad movies in my life to make me want to crawl into a hole and cry for days on end and, when I emerge, be filled with a desire to make a rocket and fly to a planet where I can start a new world free from bad filmmaking but this, this movie takes the cake and proceeds to rape it until it is no longer recognizable as the original cake-taking bad movie. I can say, without a doubt, this was the worst film I have ever seen…and I’ve sat through every Adam Sandler movie that has ever come out.