Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Top Ten Worst Movies I Reviewed in 2013

2013 is coming to an end and I don’t know about you but it sure flew by. Like every year before I go off to ring in the New Year with friends and family and a whole lot of Doctor Who episodes (Doctor Who marathon every New Years Eve, baby!), I like to revisit my reviews of the year and countdown the best, worst and awesomely bad that I got to enjoy, laugh at or have my ability to find happiness destroyed.

Let’s talk about the bad. These are the movies that I just couldn’t stand. I found no entertainment in them and, more often than not, they either just annoyed the shit out of me or insulted me with boring stories and poor production value…or they had Adam Sandler in them and that is so awful that it actually starts to physically hurt. So, let’s get started, shall we?

Here it is…

The Top 10 Worst Movies I Reviewed of 2013

Honorable Mentions

There’s always a few that aren’t bad enough to make the list but still need to be mention. Here are the Honorable Mentions

Bikini Spring Break

The Asylum is no stranger to shitty films—in fact, their company is built upon it. This movie gets special mention not just because it is really awful, filled with tons of continuity errors, terrible acting, Robert Carradine showing up and deciding against just accepting that Revenge of the Nerds was the height of his career, or the fact it has the most ridiculous looking CG hurricane ever committed to film but because it is a mockbuster of another shitty film that actually made the list…which, if you’re connecting the dots, means that The Asylum actually made a mockbuster that was slightly better than the film they are ripping off.

                                                                                                                              The Asylum
Whoa, girls in bikinis in a movie called Bikini Spring Break?  There was no promise
of this in the title.

A Good Day to Die Hard

It pained me to give this film a bad review because I wanted to like it so much since I am such a fan of the character of John McClane and the Die Hard franchise. Even at its seemingly worse (*cough—Die Hard 2—cough*), I still loved the franchise but this one went off the rails. McClane is now an unstoppable superhero with nothing slowing him down and is no longer the relatable any man he once was. Granted, the series was pretty much at that point already but by this Russian adventure, he was nearly at the point of having God-like powers. Along with the lack of a charismatic villain, barely passable action and the fact it pretty much killed the franchise, this movie proved to be a big disappointment for me. A Good Day to Die Hard only deserves special mention because I wanted to like it so much but was just plain disappointed and disillusioned with it.

                                                                                                                       20th Century Fox
He honestly doesn't give a shit anymore, does he?

Iron Sky

I followed the production on this film for awhile because I dug the idea behind it. Nazis on the moon?!? I'm in! The movie could have easily been a brilliant work of satire that lampooned Sci-Fi films of old but the final product was just an unfunny mess that shoe-horned in terrible Sarah Palin parodies and way too many dick jokes for a movie involving Nazis.

                                                                                                                 E One Entertainment
Had I scene this picture before I watched it, I would have saved myself.

Alright, just three Honorable Mentions for the Worst Films and, now that they are out of the way, let’s get down to the core of the matter.

Here we go…

Let’s start with 10 because that’s a good number to start on…besides, it would be silly to start with 7 or 4 (because no one likes you, 7 and 4).

10. The Man with the Iron Fists

What happens when RZA’s ego detaches itself and makes a Kung-Fu movie? Why, you get The Man with the Iron Fists. The entire film was one second away from the story just stopping and RZA walking in front of the camera to say that he is the greatest thing in all of creation. The problem being (and it’s not a shocker), RZA is a terrible director, an atrocious writer and, if it’s possible to be this bad, an even WORSE actor. The entire film is just a sloppy mess of bad storytelling, an incoherent plot and RZA thinking that whispering and making his character look like he just came out of a coma is what it takes to make an exciting martial arts/fantasy film.

                                                                                                                       Universal Pictures
I admire his restraint however.  You know he wanted a scene where he tells all
the other characters that he is the greatest thing walking and can kill a man with
a single punch and can make entire biker gangs cry with a single glance.

9. Blubberella

It’s way too easy to pick on Uwe Boll and, even if the rumors are true that he intentionally makes bad films for tax reasons, it’s really hard not to because his films are terrible. So, with acknowledging just how truly awful his third film in his BloodRayne trilogy is, how reality-destroyingly bad can a parody of the film be? A parody that, you must keep in mind, he is making. Well…it's pretty fucking bad.

                                                                                                                             Phase 4 Films
Yep, this pic perfectly illustrates the level of humor you are dealing with.

The film is a shot-for-shot parody of BloodRayne: The Third Reich but instead of BloodRayne, we have Blubberella. I’m sure you can tell from the 4th grade level of naming characters, what exactly this character’s main selling point is. The entire film is an unfunny mess of fat and homophobic humor that ultimately felt more mean spirited than filled with levity. However, it did prove that Uwe Boll is capable of making his already shitty films even shittier.

8. A Haunted House

The parties originally responsible for the Scary Movie franchise, apparently, decided to get back into the spoof-making business but it was clear there were some cobwebs that needed to be cleaned out. With a disturbing lack of even remotely interesting or bearable characters, a lot of dead air that seemed to be missing jokes and spending more time recreating scenes from “found footage” movies rather than parodying them, A Haunted House ended up feeling less like a comedy and more like they were just trying to make another Paranormal Activity movie…only with some really unfunny humor added here and there.

                                                                                                                         Open Road Films
It's okay, movie...we don't need comedy in your comedic movie.

7. 21 & Over

I can’t help but think the only reason this movie didn’t work for me is because my college days are over and I’ve never really been a party guy—unless you count an all night marathon of Dungeons & Dragons! The movie felt more targeted for people who answer your question of, “How are you?” with a loud and boisterous, “WHOOO!!!!” or people who make it routine to drink in the shower. The characters were impossible for me to relate to, the misadventures they get into are more grating than humor building and the jokes are just recycled, cliché garbage that has been done better a million times before. I’m pretty sure showing this at AA meetings will instantly make alcoholics give up the booze—not because they see the bad things drinking can lead to but the complete void of anything resembling humor that is in the film will make them realize that no amount of narcotics or mind-altering substances will bring back their ability to laugh.

                                                                                                                        Relativity Media
21 & Over
, the movie those loud douche bags in your neighborhood bar will love!

6. Spring Breakers

Here’s the movie I referenced in the Honorable Mentions with Bikini Spring Break. First off, I’m an NOT a fan of Harmony Korine. His films have always felt pretentious but lazy at the same time; like he’s putting in the most minimal amount of effort in his directing and writing and then using the all purpose cover of “it’s art” as his way of explaining why his stories suck and the films are boring as shit. However, it’s working because critics go ape shit over his stuff and act like watching his movies are the equivalent of getting a handjob from an angel. Spring Breakers didn’t work for me because the acting was horrendous and the story (what little there was of it) was boring. The entire film felt like an excuse to show some girls in bikinis (and some boob meat), have some needless violence and for some former Disney stars to show off they are no longer on a kid show.

"Um...your sentence is taking your tops off--FOR ART!"

5. Scary Movie V

At least I laughed once (okay, twice) in A Haunted House, I didn’t even get that in Scary Movie V. This movie is special because it forced me to reinvent my rating system and start to include a score of zero. There are no real parodies to speak off in this film because every time they attempt one, it ends with a sad punch line of someone falling or getting hit in the nuts. The story was just a quickly put together mess of hacky skits that, I guess, were meant to stand in for the horror film satire. To make matters worse, the franchise has clearly pumped their well dry as they were clearly digging for anybody willing to be in this shitty film and, even then, it doesn’t look like they really care or are even trying.

                                                                                Dimension Films/The Weinstein Company
Somewhere, someone involved in Scary Movie V thought this was hilarious.
Drugs are bad, kids.

4. Escape from Tomorrow

I can forgive Escape from Tomorrow for being poorly made, I can forgive the bad acting and it’s terrible story that can’t balance the humor with the horror and the trip-inducing “What the fuck?” moments but I can’t forgive a film that is clearly a publicity stunt. Watching the film that made waves because it was filmed in Disney parks without the permission of Walt’s frozen head, I realized that no care what was put into the production because the whole point was to create buzz for the director because he secretly filmed in an area that is notorious for it’s tight leash they keep on their intellectual properties. I think even Disney realized this obvious ploy and that’s the reason they refused to seek legal action—doing so only would have meant the director gets his name out there further. Shit, I’m refusing to even type his name in this write up.

                                                                                                  Producers Distribution Agency
Watching the movie is like passing a kidney stone...which the film's star was kind
enough to demonstrate here.

3. Grown Ups 2

Hell, it wouldn’t be an end of the year worst movies list if I didn’t include a Sandler film—Shit, he was on the list TWICE last year. As if the first Grown Ups wasn’t uncomfortable enough, the second film shows they can do worse as the end product looked like a collection of deleted scenes from the first film. There’s absolutely no story and no humor to speak of and the film is the very definition of pointless…Hey, but at least Sandler will come out with something even worse next year. It’s even more depressing to know it actually made decent money at the Box Office. However, financial success doesn’t automatically make a film watchable, it just means that we have shitty taste in films and will swallow the latest garbage Adam Sandler makes.

                                                                                                                      Columbia Pictures
Even if these bad movies are just Adam Sandler's way of making fun of Hollywood
and audiences all over the world, it still wouldn't make sitting through them worth it.

2. After Earth

What can be said about After Earth that hasn’t already been brilliantly articulated in the Honest Trailers video?

This film is awful and not just the worst thing I’ve seen in 2013 but maybe one of the worst things I’ve seen in all of cinema. I’d rather sit through a 24 marathon of The Room with extended sex scenes, I’d rather watch both the Birdemic films while someone punched me in the nuts, I’d rather watch all of Ed Wood’s work and be stabbed with a salad fork if I even uttered the simplest of riffs during

The only saving grace the film had was some decent special effects and pretty visuals but the rest of the film is filled with M. Night Shyamalan usual boring pace, Will Smith showing he no longer cares and decent to just buy his son a role, and, even worse, dealing with Jaden Smith’s inability to act in every way possible. After Earth feels less like a film and more like a punishment from a God who is very angry at the human race.

1.  InAPPropriate Comedy

Without a doubt, this has to be one of the worst comedies I have ever seen.  The movie tries way too hard to be offensive and, with this preoccupation, it completely forgets to add jokes and is the movie eqivulent of the guy who thinks calling another person "gay" is the height of comedy.  The film is a series of unfunny skits, each one built upon a single joke that beats the only joke over and over again like the joke owes it money and possibly slept with its girlfriend.  Of course, this shouldn't be surprising when you look at th awful pun in the title; it pretty much sets the standard very low and things only get lower when you see Rob Schneider, Lindsay Lohan and the freakin' ShamWow guy is in it.

                                                                                           SquareOne Entertainment
That sewer grate killed itself moments after filming this scene.
Shit, the horrible pun alone is enough reason to put this film at the top spot.

So, there ya have it, The Top 10 Worst Movies I Reviewed of 2013! I thank you for reading and I hope that you have yourself a fun and, most of all, safe New Year’s and I hope you are all looking forward to all the bad movies we will get to suffer through in 2014!

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