2013 is being put to bed while 2014 is on the verge of waking up and ready to face the day with wide-eyed idealism! (Even this metaphor is weird because is 2014 in a room with a bunch of other years sleeping in a bunch of beds waiting to wake up?) Anyway, before I can pull the covers up on 2013, I’m going to read it a story and that story will be one where I look back at the year and go over the top ten awesomely bad movies I watched and reviewed.
What’s an awesomely bad movie, you ask? It’s not a great movie but it’s certainly a bad one--but it’s bad on the level that makes it awesome. Get it? It’s one of those movies that are terrible on all accounts but you can’t hate it because you find them entertaining to watch on some level…even though that level is making fun of it.
Bad movies are hard to sit through but if you can pretend you’re trapped on the Satellite of Love and make fun of those bad movies then all is right in the world, from my perspective. So, let’s get to it! Here it is...
The Top 10 Awesomely Bad Movies I Reviewed of 2013.
Let’s start with the usual Honorable Mentions…
It’s the zombie movie that white Conservatives fear. The real magic of this movie is not the fact that paranoid, Caucasian-filled zombie movies cross the street when this movie walks by but the truly awful production of the film. The acting is shitty, the story is sloppy and is pretty much just about a girl running away from guys who kinda/sort of look like zombies and are carrying plastic weapons purchased on wholesale from a Halloween Express, and contains a antagonist who, foolishly, believes that by constantly raising his arms out to his sides means he is being intimidating. I guess he watched too many animal documentaries and thought that if he made himself look larger than his predators would think twice. All these elements come together that makes something truly hilarious.
| Purgatory Blues|
Get used to the view. Her ass is what you see most of the movie.
I love shark-based horror films and this is the first of three to appear in this entry. Jaws is pretty much the only film to master the horror of the underwater predator and all films since have been cheesy…but that’s why they are awesome! Shark Hunter not only gives us Antonio Sabato Jr. but the special effects are terrible and many of the underwater sequences were filmed on a dry set with some “snow” falling from the ceiling to try and create a failed illusion of water.
| Shark Hunter Productions|
And, of course, this one is about Megalodon.
Tintorera: Killer Shark
Bet you didn’t think another shark film would show up so soon on the list, did ya? Tintorera is a shark movie that came out very quickly after Jaws (in an effort to capitalize) and is supposedly based on real life events of a marine biologist. What makes this movie mock-worthy? The fact that there pretty much isn’t a shark throughout the running length and all the accidental homoeroticism between the two male leads. The film is less about a shark terrorizing a resort and more about the forbidden love that two men willfully try to ignore.
| United Film Distribution Company|
Yep, the poster is very misleading.
Alright, the Honorable Mentions are out of the way, so let’s get to the heart of the matter.
LET THE LIST BEGIN!!!!
10. The Old Marvel Movies
After, I don’t know, my thirtieth viewing of The Avengers, I decided to go back to a dark, dark time in the world of comic book adaptations. Back when movie industries said, “Fuck the fans,” to the comic properties they purchased and when the comic industry said, “Yes, we’ll take your money and allow you to rape our characters into a shell of what they were.”
Captain America and Captain America II: Death Too Soon took the beloved patriot shield-tossing hero and made him an unlikable pile of personality-devoid mush wrapped up in the form of a surfer. Things didn’t go better for him in the 90s either, thanks to a really ill-fitting suit and cheesy atmosphere.
| Universal TV|
"Hello? Yes, my helmet does make me look stupid."
Then there’s the time when they took the Sorcerer Supreme and made him look like an out-of-work bass player in a 70s band who is moonlighting as a porn star…
| Universal TV|
"My hands don't know whether to groove out a bass line or groove out a lucky lady."
Then, in the late 80s, Dolph proved to us that just dying your hair black can’t make you The Punisher and that shooting henchmen that are currently rushing down children's slides will never make an action hero look tough.
| New World Pictures|
Still, it's hard to hate on the man who was Ivan Drago.
Finally, I watched David Hasselhoff proved that his career knows no depths for hacky acting when I finally watched him in Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I actually should probably go back and watch that again because it will make the first half of Season 1 of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. watchable.
| 20th Century Fox|
"Help, the leather is doing little to keep my moobs from sagging!"
These movies are all awful and I had to incorporate them into one entry because it would take up too much of the list to put them in individually but also due to the absolutely ridiculous look and nature of each and every single one of them. Each one is so stupendously shitty that they practically riff and make fun of themselves.
I know I gave this movie an average score and that denotes that it isn’t necessarily bad but the reason it has a place on this list is…well…I didn’t actually watch many awesomely bad films this year and I didn’t want the whole list to be bad shark films and old Marvel movies. Plus, the movie is just fucking crazy! Like a lot of Bollywood action films, the action is just plain insane and when you add in a protagonist who is kind of an asshole and likes to slap people, along with the numerous song and dance numbers, you have yourself an awesomely bad flick that is fun to watch. Just watch this...
8. Red Dawn
If the original wasn’t ridiculous enough (WOLVERINES!!!), the remake that sat depressingly on a shelf for a great deal of time tries to show it can do better—and by better, I mean far more ridiculousness. I don’t know what’s easier to make fun of? Seeing Josh Peck cry a lot or the fact that the production changed the film’s antagonists from Chinese to North Korean and probably did so under the totally believable idea that most Americans are too deep down racist to even notice.
"Everybody, squint your eyes and we'll blend in...because America!"
It’s Japanese and that should be all I need to say there. But I’ll feed you some more, baby birds. A chainsaw sword and zombies of all sorts that no one whose mind wasn’t negatively impacted by hallucinogenics could create is what makes this film awesome in a bad way. The story is sloppy and is about space zombies but the magic comes in the usual “What the fuck?” territory that Japan is known for with their entertainment.
| Something Creation|
But seriously, a chainsaw sword is fucking awesome!
6. Movie 43
This movie is completely hit or miss. There are skits within this anthology film that are genuinely funny but there are points where…um…they just aren’t. However, the appeal of seeing A-list celebrities wallow in a thick pool of dick and fart jokes makes the film something to behold and when the film didn't get me with its sophomoric humor, making fun of the sophomoric humor did!
| Relativity Media|
Seeing Gerard Butler as a leprechaun is enough reason to see this movie.
5. Howard the Duck
I should have included this one in the Marvel entry but Howard is so bad, it had to get its own entry. Also, the fact that there’s duck boobs in it certainly helped my case to give it its own spot. Anyway, the comic book is some fantastic satire that poked fun at more innocent comic books but the film is just a mess of bad gags that seems to work completely against the spirit of the pages. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that it’s amusing that people actually love this movie and think it’s the Citizen Kane of comic book adaptations…yeah, they’re out there.
| Universal Pictures|
This movie is kinda due for a second coming. Seeing a human and a duck enter
into a physical relationship has the modern day internet written all over it.
4. FDR: American Badass
One thing that makes a bad movie become awesomely bad is the very apparent idea that the filmmakers were trying to make something amazing. It’s even better when the film is a comedy and the production has actually fooled themselves into thinking they actually know what funny is. I’m not saying I’m an expert and only I can declare with certainty what is funny and what is not but FDR: American Badass is exactly like that friend everyone has that thinks he’s really funny but doesn’t understand that swearing isn’t an actual punch line. That’s basically this movie…guys who think that saying “Fuck” is the perfect stand in for actual humor. The best laughs that come from this is from the jokes you write yourself while making fun of this one.
| Screen Media Films|
Our nation's history will never stop being bastardized for entertainment...
just wait till the day we get a 9/11 comedy. It's going to happen. Give it ten years.
3. Big Tits Zombie
No, I didn’t add a porn to the list. This is just another Japanese film—and once again, I could stop there but I’ll keep going. First off, the film is based on some Manga but that doesn’t make it easier to watch as you never get to see a single zombie with a large chest (although, it could be debated you do); also, you get to see zombie sushi and you get to witness a woman shoot fire from her vagina. If you can’t make fun of that, then there is no hope for you, my friend.
| Big Tits Dragon Production Committee|
I already put a pic of the fire-belching vagina twice in my actual review. Did you
really think I was going to put it here, too?
Gymkata is a movie that I’ve heard about over and over again over the years but have never taken the time to actually watch it for various reasons (most of them involved trying to stop evil scientists from taking over the world. You’re welcome, Planet Earth.); however, this year I decided to rectify that and finally watch the film about a gymnast who becomes a secret agent and ends up fighting evil in a small town that was engineered by a city planner who thought random parallel bars and pommel horses needed to be placed around the area for some reason. The movie is clearly engineered to be made fun of (well, actually it isn’t but wouldn’t it be great if it was?). My favorite part is where you can clearly see some extras nearly killed by some actors on horses. This movie just didn’t give a fuck.
And the inclusion of this picture is my way of ruining your day.
Everything about this movie is a gigantic turd. The acting is the shittiest that coupons from Subway can buy (no doubt in my mind that THAT is how the actors were paid for this one), the special effects are so bad that NOT having them in general would have look better and appeared more convincing, the story was created by looking at the doodles of a small, ADHD-addled child, there’s absolutely no plot to speak of, there’s continuity errors up the Ying-Yang (a painful place to put those errors), The Asylum produced it (that fact should really be all you need to know on this one) and Ian Ziering’s character has a massive murder boner for killing sharks and it’s clear his character can’t find any happiness without shark blood always being on his hands. However, as shitty as this film is (and it is really, super shitty), it’s a blast to watch because it’s a non-stop ride of hilarity. While clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek, the humor never comes from anything the film is intentionally trying to do but rather because of how badly the production failed at trying to create something even remotely looking like a movie.
| The Asylum|
This movie will be written in our history books...under the subject of how
we have too much money to spend on stupid movies.
Well, there ya have it! Those were the Top Ten Awesomely Bad Movies I Reviewed in 2013. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a fun, and most of all, safe New Year’s and I can’t wait to see what hilariously awful films await me in the year 2014!