Thursday, November 7, 2013

Grown Ups 2

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! There isn't a crime in existence that is horrible enough to punish a person by making them watch Adam Sandler's complete works.




Grown Ups 2 – 0 out of 5

The first Grown Ups film was one of the most uncomfortable movies I’ve ever sat through. The movie was never funny and the impression I got from watching Adam Sandler’s lackeys was, despite the rumor that they are all friends in real life, they absolutely hated being around each other. Every single second of the film looked like a group of people pretending to be buddies but deep down harboring a burning hatred for one another and they all looked like they couldn’t wait for the director to call “cut” so they can escape to their trailers. All their camaraderie felt painfully forced and it only made the already unfunny gags playing out in the story look that much more unfunny.

And then for some reason they decided a sequel was needed.


Maya Rudolph is a strong person because I couldn't even muster a fake smile like
hers for this movie.


Lenny (Adam Sandler) decides to move out of the big city and return to his home town. There he just hangs out with his friends Eric (Kevin James), Kurt (Chris Rock), and Marcus (David Spade)—Rob Schneider was unavailable to reprise his role because of “scheduling conflicts” (Ha ha, right, like Schneider has anything going on right now). There he…well…he just kinda goofs around with his friends and the film literally has no story in sight.


"Get in, we're going to look for the story but get distracted when we see two dogs
doing it on the side of the road."


I no longer fear death because I sat through Grown Ups 2. This film is, without a doubt, one of the worst comedies I have seen in a long time and to even call it a comedy is an insult to even the worse joke writer in all of the land. The entire film feels like bad, unfunny deleted scenes from the first film (were there actually funny scenes in the first one?) edited together to create a film so painfully unfunny that it threatened to rip apart the fabric of time and space. There needs to be a Doctor Who episode where the Doctor stops this film from damaging the cosmos.


And while we're at it, let's make Steve Buscemi the companion on this Doctor Who episode.
It'll add an interesting dynamic when he's forced to stop his friends for the good of
all of existence.


Where do you even begin with this steaming pile? It has no story or plot to speak of. It’s just Sandler, James, Rock and Spade wandering from poorly contrived skit to the next and most of them just build up to an callback to a joke that wasn’t funny early, a terrible punch line that is capable of destroying a person’s ability to feel happiness or cutting to Nick Swardson trying, as usually, way too hard to be funny and failing in numerous and incredibly embarrassing ways. Once again, Adam Sandler proves that he is capable of outdoing himself in the shitty film department by once again releasing his yearly curse upon the world and, again, proves that legal action must be taken in order to stop him from making movies. That Doctor Who episode should be a two (maybe three) parter as he hunts down Sandler and does the universe a favor and tosses him into a sun (very un-Doctor like but something reality needs).


A single second of Nick Swardson makes me want to watch Jeff Dunham, Larry
the Cable and Dane Cook in a triple bill, extra long stand up showcase.




Stone Cold...meet your new low point.
The film sets up a dozen plotlines and doesn’t develop any of them into a single coherent story. For example, Lenny’s wife is pregnant with another child, Kurt’s wife forgets their anniversary, Marcus finds out he has a son, Eric is spending too much time with his mother, their kids are finding love or finding out they have secret talents, like singing, and we learn some stuff from the guys’ past like Lenny has a problem with a bully (who is played by Stone Cold Steve Austin because he no longer cares about his own dignity), Lenny’s wife has a gay friend but it looks like he’s straight and wants his wife, an old flame of Lenny’s still burns for him and, finally, the group of buddies piss off some frat boys (one of whom is the werewolf kid from Twilight pounding the final nail in his coffin and burying his career) and it culminates in some of the longest and tortuously unfunny sequences ever committed to film.


Somehow, Taylor Lautner made the Twilight films even more watchable by being
complete unbearable in this one.  That robot baby is easy to watch than this film.


Here’s the problem with establishing all this pointless bullshit, a majority of it goes unresolved or forgotten about until it is awkwardly shoe-horned back into the film and every single bit of it feels unnecessary. The best example is the daughter of Kurt who, for mysterious reasons, is revealed to be a person who loves to sing. Out of nowhere in the film, she mentions it in a shitty little scene that abruptly ends with a god-awful non-sequitur punch line and then is forgotten about until, once again out of nowhere, it comes back and then nothing comes of it. That’s basically the entire film, sloppy sequences that, thanks to a crapshoot of the metaphoric dice, may or may not come back into the film and will almost certainly go nowhere.


"I know I haven't been in your life for your entire existence, son, but I'm sure this film
will treat our story with some respect and won't get wrapped up in a single meaningless scene
that feels thrown in at the last minute because production forgot about our storyline."




Tim Meadows...because he desperately needed
the work.
Sandler threw in as many of his friends into this film as he could but all it does is showcase how the only work these actors get is in the latest shitty Adam Sandler movie; with the exception of Steve Buscemi—a man who, despite being friends with Sandler, has been able to remain out of the man’s black hole that sucks up and destroys talent and has been able to still have a respectable career. It doesn’t matter how many SNL alumni that can’t find work that was included into this film (sorry, Colin Quinn will never be marketable in the movies or anything), it doesn’t change the fact that this film was the bottom of the bottom of the barrel.  Possibly even some sort of fungi or bacterial growth underneath the bottom of the bottom of that bottom of the barrel...and that still isn't enough to describe the lows this movie takes. 

Oh hey!  Colin Quinn being a sarcastic jerk.  He really strayed from his comfort
zone with this role.  It'll go down in history with all his other memorable roles like...
um...like...hey, remember when he was on Remote Control?


The vomit was supplied by the test audience of this film.
Fans of toilet humor can’t even get behind this one because even the simplest of jokes for the simplest of minds is dumbed down to levels unforeseen in the world of humor. Farts can be funny but the simple act of farting isn’t enough to cover up that there clearly wasn’t a joke in the last skit that was suppose to be a scene in this supposed movie. Oh, and don’t worry, because Grown Ups 2 doesn’t understand what a joke is so they made sure to include pretty much every bodily function to act as a joke fill-in and they made sure to do it often. Just for context, the movie opens with Sandler getting pissed on by a deer and, in doing so, sets the bar incredibly low. But you have to hand it to the film, it dared to go lower.

Statistically speaking, someone beyond Adam Sandler must find this funny.


To call Grown Ups 2 a movie is just insulting and broadening the definitions to a stretching point that is on the verge of snapping and causing a ripple effect across the entire spectrum of film, somehow rectonning past masterpieces and turning them into childish gibberish (on that Doctor Who episode, we can have a scene where the existence of Grown Ups 2 changes the past and makes Citizen Kane a movie where a guy farts “Rosebud”). The movie actually feels like it is trying to not be funny and, at the end of it all, just serves us a reminder that, next year, Adam Sandler will be in something even worse.

I’m a proud atheist and don’t believe in anything supernatural but Sandler’s career and his movies are enough for me to believe that he, years ago, made a deal with the devil at the crossroads and now has a career despite the fact he shows us, on a yearly basis, that he doesn’t deserve one. My only question is: When is the Devil coming to collect Sandler’s soul as payment? Because he is taking his sweet fucking time!

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for this. There needs to be as much hatred spread about these movies as possible. If I could give the first one negative one million I would. I hope to never see the sequel.

    Good call on Sandler's deal with Satan. Might be the only explanation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the only explanation I can think of over the quesion of why Sandler has a career when he constantly proves he doesn't deserve one.

      Delete
    2. Have you seen "Little Nicky"? Maybe that´s were all started.

      Delete
  2. I read your review twice. I'm still so baffled that they made one, let alone two of these.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The idea that a third one could possibly happen is the scariest thing in all of existence.

      Delete
  3. Timmy, Colin, what the hell guys? You were both part of the Season 24 cast of SNL, one of the best casts and best seasons in the show's history.

    ReplyDelete

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